Trying to picture a scene that’s hard to believe: Me. At a bar. Drinking. Okay, now that you’ve imagined the unimaginable let’s make it weirder. Let’s assume I’m there with some friends, (What? I have friends? Yes. I do. Fuck off). Let’s then assume that one of them is wearing a shirt with a college football team logo of some sort on it. Then picture a random stranger walking up to said friend and stating that he also went to that college and wow wasn’t that big win last Saturday bananas? (Stephen Garcia’s dick is huge, BTW). Conversation about said football team continues and this girl zones out and runs to the ladies room as I have the bladder the size of a baby squirrel.
ANYWHOOS, so when I get back to my seat I’m informed that this strange man “knows” me and knows my name. Seeing as I have never laid eyes upon him I immediately inquire from where do I know him? He mentions several friends of mine and I’m all yeah, ok, fine, but how do you know me? He tells me he’s seen my picture on their Facespace and I’m all, oooooookay, that’s the creepiest thing I’ve heard all week. He says no, it’s not creepy. He’s just seen my picture and wasn’t I at Gus’ a few Sundays ago watching football? I said that I was and this is getting real weird, real quick. He thought for sure he saw me there and was going to say hi but decided not to say anything because that would be weird. I ask him how right now is not weird, but a few weeks ago would have been weird? He didn’t really have an answer for that since he was super busy drinking his grape flavored Red Bull and Vodka. “All grape flavored drinks are just better” he told me.
Much to my disappointment he continued talking to me and told me he works for AT&T. I asked him to please make it so I could make phone calls in my apartment as that is my home and it’s a pain in the fucking ass to drop calls on the regs. Then he asks me where do I live on (fill in the blank) Street? KIM, I never told Creepster what street I lived on. So then there’s that. He eventually meandered away as he drunkenly realized I was not the slightest bit interested in him wearing my skin as a suit.
There you have it folks. Just a typical Thursday night out attracting the biggest freaks in RVA. HOLLER LOUDLY!