RICHMOND, VA-Researchers announced shocking findings earlier today. The study, conducted over five years, included every single Richmond resident with or without a valid driver’s license but who has operated a vehicle at some point in their lives. It conclusively proved Richmonders are incapable of using the turning signal of their cars an astounding 89% of the time. Furthermore, the study showed the location of the driver had zero impact on whether the turning signal would be used. “Whether the driver is speeding down 64 West to pick up their kids in time for soccer practice, stopping short to parallel park in a ‘surprise’ spot near Buddy’s to catch the tail end of happy hour or cutting over three lanes of traffic on West Broad Street to get into the double left hand turning lane into Short Pump Town Center, 89% of the time Richmonders will not use their turning signal”, James Peterson, head researcher of the study, told reporters. “Ever.”, he added. Findings also showed rain, fog, darkness or any other type of driving impairment increased the refusal to signal from 89% to a shocking 92% of the time. The remaining 11% of Richmonders who actually used that “weird thing sticking out of the left side of their steering wheel” were, in fact, drunk and more than likely were fumbling for a cigarette they dropped while turning up the volume of their music.
At press time Mr. Peterson made a sudden and unexpected hard left into the CVS off Ellwood thus causing the car behind him to slam on his breaks and the driver to scream “Shit! Learn how to fucking drive, asshole!”, so he could pick up a quick sixer.