RICHMOND, VA-City officials announced plans today to simultaneously repave every single road, street and alleyway within the next upcoming weeks. Bill Tinker, head of the Virginia Department of Transportation, says the effort to shut down every possible roadway in the City for a week or two, but maybe a bit longer depending on a bunch of stuff, has been “a long time coming” and hoped the City residents would understand the “slight annoyance” to their normal routine in the next few weeks. “We started off repaving just 80% of the roads in the beginning of November”, he told reporters earlier today, “just to see how everyone could handle it”. Reports show that while there has been a significant increase in thrown clots amongst city drivers, the number of times the average driver screamed, “Fuck this fucking shit!” and “Mother fucking roadwork can suck my d!”, only moderately increased.
At press time City residents were unable to run even simplest of errands including, but not limited to: dropping off their dry cleaning in time for their sister’s wedding, taking their dogs to get groomed to look extra fancy for their Christmas card photo and picking up a cheap bottle of Pinot after a long day at the office.
When asked why the City would decide to cut off every single artery into and out of the capital of Commonwealth essentially making life unbearable for the idiots dumb enough to work and live in this god damn town, Tinker just stared blankly at reporters and asked them if they would like a stick of Juicy Fruit.