It’s the most wonderfully annoying time of the year when Facespace updates are filled with pictures of Santa babies, your Christmas tree that no one gives a shit about and cookies you baked that I will not eat! Behold the Top Five Most Annoying Things about the Holidays!
1-Holiday parties at the office! On Wednesday I have four (4) separate and distinct Christmas “parties” to attend for Steal Your Soul, Inc. Please note, these are not optional as I skipped them all last year and was warned to “never do that again”. My bad, I was busy taking a three hour lunch while the rest of the idiots here were engaging in awkward Christmas chit chat. Anywhoos, people here go absolutely bananas for Christmas office festivities as they are all fucking losers with no life. I will never forget the zany antics from a few years ago when Annoying Coworker #45 almost flipped her shit at the Dirty Santa Gift Exchange! She wanted that bottle of wine and gosh darn it, she got it! We still talk about it to this day!
2-Facespace in general. Christmas time on Facespace takes the annoying and cranks it up to a level that is almost unfathomable. Not only do I have to see your baby, I have to see your baby with Santa. And your baby in the snow. And your baby opening gifts it doesn’t need. Add in the pictures of your Christmas Tree no one cares about with a dash of “baking cookies for Santa” status updates and here’s me seriously debating deleting my account all together as my blood pressure is already dangerously high from the inordinate amount of drinking and smoking I do.
3-Buying presents. I hate buying presents. Not because I don’t like giving people awesome things, but because I stress out and wonder if the present I think is radsauce will be regarded by the receiver as the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever gotten and why do they hang out with me in the first place and maybe we should revaluate our relationship immediately because there is no way in hell I want to associate with someone who thinks (fill in the blank) is an appropriate gift for anyone to receive ever.
4-Spending time with family. Praise the Baby Jesus, this really doesn’t apply to me, but I have to hear all of you bitch about your Very Merry Passive Aggressive Christmas and to that I say, “I’m sorry your family sucks so hard and your mom is thinking about leaving your dad and your sister is pregnant (again) and due on your birthday which will no longer be your birthday but the baby’s birthday and the dog needs to have its leg removed and will be a tripod”. Meep motherfucking meep.
5-Christmas ads. Normally I don’t really have to see these as I don’t watch much television because I’m busy living my life, but the other day I caught this little gem and immediately wanted to murder everyone. I can’t believe this is a real ad that someone thought of, made and then said, “Oh fuck yes, this is some good shit. This is a game changer.”.” Shoot. Me. Now.