Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

It’s the most wonderfully annoying time of the year when Facespace updates are filled with pictures of Santa babies, your Christmas tree that no one gives a shit about and cookies you baked that I will not eat!  Behold the Top Five Most Annoying Things about the Holidays!

1-Holiday parties at the office!  On Wednesday I have four (4) separate and distinct Christmas “parties” to attend for Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Please note, these are not optional as I skipped them all last year and was warned to “never do that again”.  My bad, I was busy taking a three hour lunch while the rest of the idiots here were engaging in awkward Christmas chit chat.  Anywhoos, people here go absolutely bananas for Christmas office festivities as they are all fucking losers with no life.  I will never forget the zany antics from a few years ago when Annoying Coworker #45 almost flipped her shit at the Dirty Santa Gift Exchange!  She wanted that bottle of wine and gosh darn it, she got it! We still talk about it to this day!   

2-Facespace in general.  Christmas time on Facespace takes the annoying and cranks it up to a level that is almost unfathomable.  Not only do I have to see your baby, I have to see your baby with Santa.  And your baby in the snow. And your baby opening gifts it doesn’t need.  Add in the pictures of your Christmas Tree no one cares about with a dash of “baking cookies for Santa” status updates and here’s me seriously debating deleting my account all together as my blood pressure is already dangerously high from the inordinate amount of drinking and smoking I do. 

3-Buying presents. I hate buying presents.  Not because I don’t like giving people awesome things, but because I stress out and wonder if the present I think is radsauce will be regarded by the receiver as the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever gotten and why do they hang out with me in the first place and maybe we should revaluate our relationship immediately because there is no way in hell I want to associate with someone who thinks (fill in the blank) is an appropriate gift for anyone to receive ever. 

4-Spending time with family. Praise the Baby Jesus, this really doesn’t apply to me, but I have to hear all of you bitch about your Very Merry Passive Aggressive Christmas and to that I say, “I’m sorry your family sucks so hard and your mom is thinking about leaving your dad and your sister is pregnant (again) and due on your birthday which will no longer be your birthday but the baby’s birthday and the dog needs to have its leg removed and will be a tripod”.  Meep motherfucking meep.

5-Christmas ads.  Normally I don’t really have to see these as I don’t watch much television because I’m busy living my life, but the other day I caught this little gem and immediately wanted to murder everyone.  I can’t believe this is a real ad that someone thought of, made and then said, “Oh fuck yes, this is some good shit.  This is a game changer.”.”  Shoot. Me. Now.

9 responses to this post.

  1. Happy HOLY days to you! Merry Merry CHRISTmas. I sure hope you get what you wish for. But remember- you can give all your friends my latest EP “We Talk In Circles”. Available at PLAN 9. The gift that keeps on giving!

    GOD BLESS.

    Reply

  2. Posted by The Lone Wolf on December 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Stoked for your release party at the Camel!

    Reply

  3. Holiday commercials make me want to stab my eyes out. I bawled at a Home Depot commercial the other day. HOME MOTHERFUCKING DEPOT.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Nicki on December 14, 2010 at 1:26 am

    The Kay commercials are the best thing about the holidays, especially if you’re single and want to feel a-okay about it. They had one last year where there was a deaf chick and the guy learned to sign “Merry Christmas” for her.
    There’s another one this year where the dude is on a submarine or aircraft carrier and is hi-def video conferencing with the wife – inexplicably he’s all made up like Valentino. At the end they both touch their respective screens, and it’s like they’re sharing the moment she received her crappy diamond chip jewelry together.

    Reply

  5. I’m beginning to think TLW is a hipster.

    Reply

  6. Posted by straw-obberson on December 21, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    That Kay Jewelers commercial is the eeper-creeperest. Seriously: “AND I ALWAYS WILL BE”. Sounds like someone’s a stalker!

    Reply

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