RICHMOND,VA-At approximately 1:15 pm Steal Your Soul, Inc.’s company Christmas gift exchange got incredibly motherfucking zany due to the introduction of a HoMedics “Envirascape” Rock Garden and Relation Fountain. Said fountain promises to create, “the perfect illusion of serenity, strategically combined river rocks, the glowing essence of internal light” and a “stream of pure flowing water”. The special effects lights will, “create a soft reflection of the water flow” and I’m going to completely lose my mind if I have to work here one more god damn day.
The gift exchange, which was “Dirty Santa” in nature, allows participants to either select an unopened gift or “steal” an already opened gift and sweet Baby Jesus, please let me get a new job.
The original fountain owner, Regional Sales Manager Dan Watson, who more than likely has a penchant for weird Japanense porn, was delighted by the fountain’s natural slate design and was assured it would be a serene addition to any room. That dumb bitch Accounts Receivable clerk Pauline Gilbert was the first to steal the gift because the water flow replicated the sight and sounds of a tranquil waterfall. Communications Specialist Brenda Smith and all around office cunt, was taken aback by the soft illumination of the fountain which created a more dramatic effect whereas that weird guy, who is maybe in IT but no one is really sure, wanted the fountain because it helps you relax by creating a stress free ambiance.
At press time local blogger and fellow Steal Your Soul, Inc. employee TLW was drinking the vodka she picked and no one stole directly from her office coffee cup.