Last night I decided to celebrate the upcoming birth of your Lord and Savior by getting mad zany with a couple of equally crazy bitches who enjoy drinking and all around bitchery just as much as yours truly. After several vats of wine a fella approaches us and asks if could be so honored to buy us a shot (in honor of the Baby Jesus), to which we replied, “Fucking duh”. Now the problem with accepting any form of alcohol from someone with a penis is that you’re then expected to talk to them afterward. Café Darkness does not like this and fortunately for me, I was not the one stuck having to make conversation (yay!) and continued being awesome while my friend fell victim to his rambling. However, being the good friend I am, I promptly responded to the third jab to my leg (which in girl speak means stop fucking ignoring the fact I’m getting ear raped by this douche bag and help me) and saved her straight away. That’s when a Christmas miracle happened and the most awesome exchange of 2010 occurred.
Me to Friend Who Needed Saving: I can’t believe Kelly is going to be at the Christmas party later.
Friend (Not knowing WTF I was talking about but knowing to just roll with it): I know, right? Whatta bitch.
Me: I can’t stand her. Even though it was years ago I can’t stand the fact she hooked up with Dylan in the pool when I was studying abroad in Paris for the summer!
Him: What happened? Who hooked up? What?
Me: That bitch Kelly hooked up with MY boyfriend in a pool when I was in Paris. She was my best friend but now I hate her!
Him: Oh my god, how long ago did this happen?
Me: High school, but still, I lost my virginity to him at prom! It was kinda a big deal.
Him: Oh my god, that is terrible!
Me: I know, right? I was so upset about it I ended up not going to same college as everyone else for a semester but then was so lonely I transferred back but then eventually left the show because I was too much of a bitch in real life to tolerate.
Friend (Who is about to lose her shit): Donna Martin graduates?
Me: Barely. But yes.
Him (Who is clearly the dumbest and drunkest person in Richmond): God man, that really sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.
Me: Then my parents moved to Japan and everyone randomly continued living in my old house which always confused me. Anyways, you ready to go to this party?
Him: Ok, I’ll let you ladies go ahead and go to your party, but I feel for you. Breakups are hard. Even from high school.