Archive for May, 2011

Cafe Darkness Does Declare 6.0

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cafe Darkness has finally revealed that roughly 7 weeks ago, TLW and Barista officially proclaimed The Year of 2011 during an irrelevant conversation where TLW was schooling Barista on the proper use of  hash tags and turn signals.   In a press conference held at Delux, Barista and TLW made a joint statement acknowledging this is the latest public announcement of any Cafe Darkness year on record saying, “Oh hi. We kind of forgot we had a blog with which we could make public announcements”. 

Prior to naming the Year of 2011, Cafe Darkness wasted 15 minutes reminding us of their cleverness dating all the way back to 2005.

“2005 – The Year of Bad Service.  Get it?  We got bad service literally every time we went out.  But the weirdest part of 2005 is that we actually had money to go out,” said Barista. 

“2006 – A Very Merry Passive-Aggressive Year.  I’m still not allowed to speak on this one, which is kind of passive aggressive, which is kind of the point,” commented TLW.

“2007 – The Year of the Cocksucker.  It’s just funny to say cocksucker,” said TLW. 

“2008 – The Year of What You Mean?  I forgot how we came up with this, but it really came in handy when TLW split up with her husband later that year,” noted Barista.

“2009 – The Year of Best Practices.  Get a divorce, start a blog, exchange pregnancy tests for tampons.  Do you.  Hash tag duh,” said TLW.  Barista chimed in with “Number sign! That makes a hash tag line, right?” 

“2010 – The Year of That’s Not My Problem.  You’ve got ninety-nine problems.  I’ve got none,” said TLW. 

After what seemed like ages, the Year of 2011 was declared as 2011 - The Year of It’s a Thing

Things that are now a thing include saying it’s a thing, Kanye West, the State of Maryland threatening to withhold Barista’s federal vendor payments even though she has no idea what the fuck that’s all about, being classified as no frills or being told to bring it back to basics, trivia, warrants and priors, train wrecks, slips and falls, home ownership,  woo woos and vodka limeaids.

It’s Raining Something Fierce

Forgive me for easing my way back into this blog like an old man settling into a lukewarm bath.  But if you will be so kind as to indulge me, I’d like to take a gander at some live, local tweets about everyone’s favorite topic, The Weather.  We love weather.  We hate weather.  We love to hate people who don’t love Jim Duncan.  We share our thoughts on weather via the internets like we are co-pilots with Mother Nature.   Here’s what Richmond is saying right now:

@kenyasaidso Can it rain any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
@AmandaLGalloway  Serious rain headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is raining so hard on 64.
 
@richmondscene The Listening Room tonight! Rain or wel..l rain… It’s going to be a great night.
 
@NKF_YPC  What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA rain?
 
@mtnbke  Wow, and here comes the rain and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
@mikethentrovert Watch yourselves in all this rain #RVA
 
Wow.  Can it get any better than this I ask?  Could it?!?!  What if we read those same tweets again and replaced “rain” with “sex”.  Would it make weather more interesting and dangerous and omg would Jim Duncan send us a glossy 8 x 11 autographed photo finally?  Let’s see.  
 
Can it sex any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
Serious sex headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is sexing so hard on 64.
 
The Listening Room tonight! Sex or wel..l sex… It’s going to be a great night.
 
What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA sex?
 
Wow, and here comes the sex and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
Watch yourselves in all this sex #RVA
 
You decide.  Tweet on. 
 
PS  – We’ll be waiting for you Jim.

Where in the world is TLW?

Oh hai guys!

1-Did she cash out her 401(k) and go on an Eat, Pray, Love adventure to find herself and eventually ‘the one’?  Is she currently getting really good at meditation and yoga and gluttony and narcissism?

2-Did she get a new job that doesn’t allow her to blog and express herself freely but it’s ok because it’s a job that actually puts her skills to use instead of the mind-numbing repetitive nature of her job at Steal Your Soul, Inc

3-Did she get bit by a rabid raccoon and has been undergoing a series of very painful treatments to cure her “foaming mouth” disease?

4-Did she meet the man of her dreams and has been so busy “nesting” and planning her upcoming nuptials she hasn’t had the time nor desire to write self-deprecating blog posts about drinking too much and making out with people?

5-Has she run out of new material mainly because too many people she knows “in real life” read this, thus making it next to impossible to write about what’s “real” and “funny” and “zany” anymore?

Hint: The answer is 5! I’m right here y’all!

Happy 2nd Birthday Cafe Darkness

Dear Cafe Darkness,

You are the only fruit of my soiled loins and upon this, your second birthday, I vow the following:

I will pick you up and spend an hour or so with you once every other week, as the courts have recommended I do. 

I will not give one half a fuck if my coworkers discover you, my beloved bastard.

I will never use your adorableness to get a free drink at Bar Louie.  I will use your charm to get free drinks anywhere else I can.

I will never, ever, ever take you to Mechanicsville.  I fear that’s where all the people with broken dreams and nice houses live.  Terrible influences on a young mind.

I will try to remember to pay child support.  Your other Mom, TLW, still is trying to shake me down since I let your domain name expire last year.  She’s crazy as a rabid lone wolf and also, she bites.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For piss sake, stop crying.  I won’t ignore you for another year.  I promise.

Love,

Barista

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