EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Local lifestyle Instagram curator Ashley Blake recently returned home from Coachella, a little known music festival sponsored by Absolut., American Express, and H&M among others, with a renewed sense of commitment to her partner, Denver Schnelling.
Held most years since 1999 in Indio, California, Coachella is a unique experience for friends who plan to take Molly for four straight days until the only lasting memory of the trip is when Mike gets way too aggressive about wanting a soft pretzel before kicking over a neighboring teepee and leaving the group for good.
Blake, 24, confirms that recently she and Schnelling, also 24, had stopped communicating over the issues that matter most to them. “I’m starting to think he actually believes that Richard Simmons just decided he wants to be left alone. How can I talk to him when it’s so fucking obvious that his housekeeper has him tied up in the basement and he needs all of us to help him?”
Schnelling takes responsibility for his part, admitting that he did not notice Blake’s newest Uniglo bodysuits, saying “I used to think it was adorable when she wore the one with the blue and the green swirls, but lately I guess we don’t have as much fun as we did when we first started hooking up behind my roommate’s back.” They agreed that a trip to Coachella would allow them time to bond and purchase a new vaporizer.
It was during Calvin Harris’ third appearance on the main stage for a surprise collaboration with Billy Ocean when Blake and Schnelling realized they wanted to get out of their own metaphorical cars and into each others dreams for the immediate future and that this new vaporizer is the tits hahahahaha.
As of press time, Blake and Schnelling have been dating for 11 weeks and plan to enroll in the same abnormal psychology class at Bergen Community College this fall.
Hey girl. It’s been a minute or 7 years. And I’ve got the itch.
I want to tell you things that mean so little in the grand scheme of your day, much less your life. Let’s skip past the years for now and delve right back in to nonsense. You don’t need to know the details about that time in 2011 I came home to hear Mr. Barista say “miso sorry me no want no more marriage with you” in full UMOT style. You saw that coming.
You also knew everything would be better than fine in the end.
Today I want to tell you a story about my televangelist cousin. He’s a super nice guy as far as the teenage abstinence religious set goes. He podcasts about leadership and exercise and positive affirmations for fun! He’s going to London and needs his followers help to plan his trip (le sigh that followers is not a sarcastic comment in 2017. Please read it with heavy sarcasm for me. I’m committed to keeping my writing GIF free for now. Shit, is GIF free the new gluten free?)
His 12,497 followers came through with the suggestions! They all must have walking around money to burn when in London because they know exactly what to do! When in London you simply must go to Paris. You can take a high speed train and see all of Paris in an afternoon!
Spread the gospel. Obviously.
Spend most of your time in London being very careful not to be robbed. You have to pay attention to your wallet at all times. Do not go to the London Eye unless your wallet is in your right hip pocket, or else you might be pickpocketed and left for goddamned dead in the street.
Don’t stay out too late because someone will scam you with a lie. This is an actual quote. I personally stay out late all the time and the only scam I’ve ever heard is it costs $1 to take a picture of the man who walks around with a cat on his head, which in my opinion, is a hard but fair bargain.