It’s been way too long since I’ve answered your questions. I apologize. I’ve been busy obsessing about the BP oil spill, but oily pelicans are no excuse to ignore you! Let’s get to it, shall we?
Dear Café Darkness,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up, but I was thinking we could still be friends. Is this a good idea?
Friends in the Fan
No. Next question.
Dear Café Darkness,
Lately it seems every guy I meet becomes totally obsessed with me and won’t leave me alone. How do I let them know that I don’t want them to call, text, come over, stay over and be around me 24/7?
Too Hot To Cool Down in Manchester
Dear Hot Stuff,
I get it. Trust me. You brought your milkshake to the yard and boys were all, “oh hells yes” and now they won’t leave you alone. I, too, suffer a similar affliction. I call it “being awesome”. So what can you do to make sure your male suitors don’t fall in love with you? First of all, tell them such. I make sure I dispense this bit of info on the second date. Just a simple “don’t like me” will suffice. It won’t work, but at least you got it out there. Second, make sure you don’t answer (most of) their phone calls and texts. This will let them know they’re not a top priority in your life. Thirdly (and this is the most important one of all) after making the sexy make sure they know that you’ve had better and you’re considering not doing that with them ever again. If you follow these three simple tips, you’ll enjoy a summer of breaking hearts all over RVA! Enjoy!
Wow, it’s been a minute since we’ve answered your questions! Sorry, y’all! I’ve been busy drinking wine and taking shots of tequila on a school night. (Blech). Anywhoos, after sifting through nonehundreds of your questions, here are the ones I feel require the most attention. Side note: I’m punchy today because of tequila, so I apologize for my sassitude.
Dear Café Darkness:
Why does TLW only speak in a cockney accent when she’s deep in her cups? It’s annoying and not nearly as funny as she thinks it is.
Over it in the Southside.
Dear Over it,
First off, you live in Southside, so stfu. Second of all, we couldn’t agree more. It’s irritating and we’re not quite sure what to do about it. There is currently a small group of people talking about going all Intervention on her ass like they did back in the fall about her semi-ferals. I.e: Your addiction to speaking in cockney has affected me in the following ways: It makes me want to slap the shit out of you, it makes boys look at you funny, etc. If you want to get up in on it, hit us up at email@example.com!
Dear Café Darkness,
It’s Memorial Day weekend and I don’t have any plans. What should I do?
Lonely in Lakeside
I don’t understand you people. How many times do we have to tell what you need to do to make some friends? Jesus. Christ. Turn off your god damn Xbox and get your ass out and about! Shake what your mamma gave you! Buy some people some shots! I’m not answering questions like these anymore because you have the tools (liquid courage) in your tool belt (this blog) to help you. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Jesus Christ I love it when we receive real, live reader questions. This ditty came via DM from the Twitter and it reads:
Dear Café Darkness,
How does one cope with separation anxiety at the end of Moustache March?
Already Missing my ‘stache South of the River
Dear Missing my ‘stache,
I totally get it. You’ve grown accustomed to that lil’ cookie duster for the past 31 days. What started out as just a pencil thin lady tickler has blossomed into a full on Burt Reynolds badass flavor savor! First of all, you need to realize that all good things come to end. It’s the circle of life, my friend and the sooner you accept the fact that you must part with your moustache, the better. After all, it wouldn’t be the hipstery ironic fun time (!) we all know and love if it were “Moustache 2010”, now would it?
Now go ahead, hop on your fixie and get yourself a razor and a PBR tall boy straight away. After all, Slaughterama is this weekend and you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a loser, now would you?
Do you want advice from Cafe D and Ms. Testes-Harder? We’re here to dispense our invaluable wisdom on topics such as: what to do when you get yelled at by someone who read about themselves on your blog and is now confronting you on a Friday night when you are M to the C Hammertimed (yes, that just happened) , the best ways to gossip and not get caught (if glove don’t fit, you must acquit) and how to steal free cable (porn included!).
We clearly know what we’re talking about when it comes to drinking wine on a school night, smoking like ladies and all around badassery. As such, those crazy cats over at RVA Magazine asked us to dispense our invaluable advice on their site, too! Squish! Check it out at your workday leisure.
Do you want our advice on how to make the sexy, get away with workday hangovers or how to rock Snuggies on a Friday night? Hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org We make zero guarantees regarding the actual outcome but do promise that 90% of what we say is (mostly) legal in Costa Rica, the Dominican Republic and Honduras!
Yesterday Barista wrote about the do’s and don’ts of office romance. What should you do when you find yourself in a fit of uncontrollable passion which causes you to throw all the papers to the ground so you can make sexy on an oversized mahogany desk? (Still waiting to scratch this off my bucket list, btw. If you can make it happen-email me!) Anywhoos, as always with our posts, it sparked some questions, most notably the question of what should one do if they are the boss and their employee-an underling if you will-flirts with them. The answer to this question is so simple it shouldn’t even require answering but since we are loyal to our readers I’ll take the time out of my super duper busy day of playing Words With Friends to answer it.
Do: decide if this employee is shagable
Don’t : tell them this.
Do: feel them up and assess their goodies. Boob and package size are a must know before taking the next step.
Don’t: do this in front of other people.
Do: make sexy. Now.
Don’t: record it, text about it or in any way incriminate yourself that could be used against you in a court of law. I’m looking at you Big Tig.
Do: get kinky.
Don’t: do missionary.
Do: be creative!
Don’t: Google “how to be creative when making sexy” from your work computer. Dumb ass.
Do: tell your friends
Don’t: tell your significant other.
Do: realize how rad it is to get laid on the company dime.
Don’t: charge connies to company credit card.
If you follow these easy tips and tricks you’ll be banging that flirty employee in no time-maybe even in the elevator or stairwell which would be ridiculously hot, now wouldn’t it? Meow!