Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 3

Do you love Jesus?


If you love Jesus then you love America, freedom and Black Friday. It’s just that simple.  You’ve already learned two of the three tips to having a successful Black Friday: preparation and optimization techniques.  You know your basics and you are 2/3 of the way there.  Perhaps the most important part of any shopping spree is getting ready the night prior. What you do on Black Friday Eve, also called Thanksgiving by some, is crucial. 
First and foremost you need to start drinking.  Heavily.  The amount you drink is important as you do not want to drink so much that you pass out. Instead you need to maintain a decent buzz that will last you until the store opens.  I recommend drinking whiskey or wine. Beer tends to bloat one up and causes frequent bathroom breaks.  Interperse alcoholic drinks with a Red Bull (it gives you wings!) every third drink or so.  Illegal drug usage is acceptable but not recommended.  You do not want getting all jittery before the store opens. You need to be feisty enough from the whiskey that you do not mind throwing ‘bows but level-headed enough to remember you want that Nintendo Wii Console with Wii Sports Resort Value Bundle at the unbeatable price of $279.00! 
DO NOT GO TO SLEEP!  If you fall asleep and get up early then you have already lost.  Sleep deprivation adds to the sense of excitement and urgency.  Pop caffeine pills to stay awake if necessary a la Jessie Spano in Saved by the Bell.  Arrive at the store at LEAST four hours before it opens.  Do not bring extra equipment (i.e propane stoves, grills, etc) with you while wait in line.  Do bring more alcohol, cigarettes and music-death metal preferably.  Bring snacks.  Beef Jerky is a good choice as are pre-cooked Lil Smokies.  Do jumping jacks to remain alert. Heckle others in line. Warn them that you are about to “bring it”. 
Send undercover ops into the line to feel out what they are going for and adjust your plan accordingly. About twenty minutes before the store opens take three shots of whiskey to get warmed up. Dispense walkie talkies to your Patriots. Remind them of the goal at hand. Do trust falls to increase team morale.  Huddle up and pray five minutes before it is “go time”. Ask JC to bless you and make your shopping trip successful.  He is not too busy to answer your prayers!
If you follow these three easy steps then success will be yours. You will have more KitchenAid Professional 5 Plus Stand Mixers for $250.00 (normally priced at $320.00!) than you can shake a stick at. 

Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 2

Do you love Freedom?

Do you love Freedom?  Do you hate freedom-mongers?  Then by transitive reasoning you need to get out there on Black Friday and wear your dollar on your sleeve.  Tell the world you are proud to be an American. Do not let the terrorists win!   They don’t want you to buy that Fuji FinePix J28 Camera, 2GB SD Card & Case for the unbeatable price of just $80.00 but this America, damn it and we do what we damn well please! 

Black Friday is in two days. Are you ready? Of course you are not ready. You have only learned the first in the trifecta of Black Friday shopping rules. Yesterday you learned the importance of preparation and the importance of deeming which items are worth your time in obtaining.  Today you will learn about store optimization techniques.   

If possible plant an undercover agent as a hired employee several months prior to learn the inside tips and tricks to opening procedures.  Who hold the keys? Who is in charge?  Do all doors open simultaneously?  Are all registers staffed and open at the same time?  Have your undercover agent tediously detail all store procedures in a notebook that may be referred to on Friday. 

Obtain store blue prints. Memorize them.  It should take you no longer .2 seconds to tell which aisle has the Yankee Candles and which aisle has the plasma screen TVs.  Once the store’s layout has been committed to memory sketch color-coded foot trails based on deal juiciness. Memorize them.  Sketch and memorize alternate routes in case of roadblocks caused by piles of frenzied shoppers. 

The Leader of the group will dispense walkie talkies to other Patriots prior to the store opening. Once the store opens the Leader needs to obtain a bird’s eye view of the store where he or she can direct the rest of the teammates’ actions.  There needs to be at least two Runners. These Patriots need to be small in stature and fast-footed. They can not be afraid to throw a punch and be a good tumbler.  Tasers are not required, but recommended.  You will also need a Shopping Cart Czar who is to be positioned at a key location in the store where they remain stationed with the shopping cart. The cart must never move its predetermined position and its placement must be equidistant from your desired items.  The Shopping Cart Czar should preferably be trained in mixed-martial arts and not be afraid to use nunchucks in extreme situations. 

All team mates should practice agility exercises in the anticipation of bottlenecks caused by narrow aisle ways. Yoga, Pilates and strength resistance training are key.  Watch nature videos of monkeys in their natural habit and learn to climb.  This is particularly important if you plan on going to Costco or Sam’s Club.  Go rappelling to get over your fear of heights. Get over any fears of enclosed spaces by getting unnecessary MRIs several weeks prior.

If you follow these simple tips then you will find you are 2/3 of the way to success.  You will get the last DieHard Wheeled Battery Charger/Start for the basement bargain price of $69.99. Trust.  Up tomorrow: Black Friday Eve Rituals.

Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 1

Do You Love America?

Black Friday will here before you know it. It is the most important shopping day of the year and in case you did not know, we are in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression.  What better way to help bail out the banks than going out and buying a bunch of useless crap you do not need and can not afford?  Far be it from me to call someone Un-American but if you do not go shopping on Black Friday then you are, at the very least, a Communist Socialist.  

To prepare you for the shopping bonanza that will shortly ensue the CD will have a three-part series instructing you how to get ready for Black Friday.  Do not be fooled by other Black Friday shopping guides! They are all Socialist Communists trying to trick you into staying home and save your rubles…er…um…dollars.   

Today we will focus on the first step: preparation.  Before you can effectively spend money you must identify which items you want to purchase and where said items will be located.  Do you want new bathroom towels or Rock Band?  Tickle-Me-Elmo or a new lap top?  Which big box chain is selling said item? Wal-Mart? Target? Best Buy? 

Ask yourself if you are attempting to obtain the “hot” item the store is selling and weigh out the benefits and consequences of attempting to procure said item. Sure, everyone wants a $3.00 coffee pot but at what cost?  If there are only 15 $3.00 coffee pots but forty five people trying to obtain said coffee pot then perhaps your odds of getting your alternate “must have” item on your list is the better option.  Clearly I am referring to the Nash Equilibrium TheoryEveryone wants the best deal but if everyone goes for the best deal then many people leave empty handed.  Instead, pick the second and third best deals. (I.e. the Comfort Seat Cushion with Heat & Massage for the unbelievably low price of $17.49 or Country Style Holiday Doormats for the everything-must-go-bargain price of $2.99). 

If you want to really make Black Friday your bitch you will need to make it a group effort.  Enlist fellow patriots to help.  Make sure there is a clear leader of the group and delegate responsibilities accordingly ahead of time to avoid confusion.  Make it clear from the beginning that this is not a democracy. There is no time for “group think” on Black Friday.  Have a back up plan in case someone gets lost or trampled.  Bring extra body bags to prevent slippery floors caused by bodily fluids.

Plan, plan, plan. I can not stress this enough. Expect the unexpected.  Anticipate roadblocks and deal with them accordingly. Mental preparation is key.  Visualize your items and make it happen. If you follow these steps then I promise you walk out of that K-Mart with the $25.00 Martha Stewart comforter of your dreams. 

Tomorrow we will focus on store optimization techniques.