I rarely get sick. I thank my mother for subjecting me to an onslaught of germs at a young age and refusing to take me to the doctor to get antibiotics, thus bolstering my immune system to super human strength. I also credit my unwillingness to rid my shower of mold, which I believe aids me in not getting AIDS. The last time I was sick was back in February when I had a wicked case of Cabin Fever caused by the fifteen god damn snow storms we had. Unfortunately, poppets, I’m sick again. This time I’ve caught myself a terrible case of Dry Spellitis.
Dry Spellitis is a medical condition caused by not getting any action ever for an extended period of time ranging from one month to infinity. Symptoms include being sexually frustrated and being convinced everyone is getting more sexy times than you (because they are). The initial stages of Dry Spellitis are the most severe as sufferers who were at one time used to getting laid, now do not. As the Dry Spell continues the patient begins to accept their condition. In the latter stages of the disorder it is common to find those with Dry Spellitis slowly hoarding newspapers and semi-feral cats.
There is no known treatment for Dry Spellitis beyond making out with oneself, which only temporarily alleviates the symptom of the disorder. Loved ones should be aware that although Dry Spellitis is not contagious, it is best to not speak of one’s own sexual conquests in front of them lest the patient rip your fucking face off.