Archive for the ‘help wanted’ Category

Dry Spellitis

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I rarely get sick. I thank my mother for subjecting me to an onslaught of germs at a young age and refusing to take me to the doctor to get antibiotics, thus bolstering my immune system to super human strength.  I also credit my unwillingness to rid my shower of mold, which I believe aids me in not getting AIDS.  The last time I was sick was back in February when I had a wicked case of Cabin Fever caused by the fifteen god damn snow storms we had.  Unfortunately, poppets, I’m sick again. This time I’ve caught myself a terrible case of Dry Spellitis. 

Dry Spellitis is a medical condition caused by not getting any action ever for an extended period of time ranging from one month to infinity.  Symptoms include being sexually frustrated and being convinced everyone is getting more sexy times than you (because they are).  The initial stages of Dry Spellitis are the most severe as sufferers who were at one time used to getting laid, now do not. As the Dry Spell continues the patient begins to accept their condition. In the latter stages of the disorder it is common to find those with Dry Spellitis slowly hoarding newspapers and semi-feral cats. 

There is no known treatment for Dry Spellitis beyond making out with oneself, which only temporarily alleviates the symptom of the disorder.  Loved ones should be aware that although Dry Spellitis is not contagious, it is best to not speak of one’s own sexual conquests in front of them lest the patient rip your fucking face off.

Thank you!

Because I am a true, Southern lady I write thank you notes for all gifts received.  Please see the letter I crafted to my employer for the kick ass paperweight I received this morning.  Day = Made. Duh.

Dear Steal Your Soul, Inc.

 

Thank you so, so much for the paperweight you gave me this morning.  I have never owned a paperweight before as I am not normally in a very windy office and it’s not 1964, so this will really come in handy when the recycled air that provides the background noise to my life really cranks it up a notch.  I would be remiss to not also thank for you not giving me a raise since November 2007 and cutting my pay 6% last year whilst doubling my work load!  While you may call my paperweight a “token of appreciation” I call it a symbol of all of the hard work that’s gone unrecognized and unpaid for!  To be honest, the only person in this entire company who appreciated your paperweight was Tsaur who (literally) uttered the words, “sweet!” upon opening his new lovie.  Even though I wish I could keep the paperweight, its new home is in my trashcan. 

 

Love always,

 

TLW

Mistakes: We gonna find you, we gonna find you.

For the past several months my job, which I already loathe tremendously, has been even more tedious and excruciating due to the presence of the most loathsome people on the planet. These people are called “auditors” and they are the most vile, despicable excuses for human beings I’ve ever encountered.  At first I was semi-pleasant to them. I gave them dead eyes, which is about the most cordial I can be on the daily here at Steal Your Soul, Inc.

Two months and several hundred emails later I now have dreams of punching these people in the face (for serious).  And it feels SO good.  This morning I needed a drink by 8:02 AM when I read the onslaught of emails sent after I left for the day.  I’m telling a coworker in the break room how I now finally *get* how people completely and totally lose their shit at work and just go ballistic (a la Steven Slater my new hero!) when in saunters T Saur, a full thirty minutes, early per the norm.  He interjects his words of wisdom and says that perhaps they’re not used to working in a “corporate culture”.  “Huh? What? They work for a CORPORATION. THEY’RE AUDITORS. What the fuck.  Do you think they’re like Gollum trying to find their precious and all of a sudden they’re in some corporate office unawares of how they got there?”  Side note: what’s up with me and Lord of the Rings references recently? Christ, it’s like I hot tub timed machine back to 2003.  If that’s the case, “No, I will not marry you!” Booyah!

Anywhoos, after I explained that auditors work in offices just like the rest of us losers he interjects in his non-sequatorial style that he recently purchased some whiskey and he was going to try whiskey sours this weekend.  Seriously you guys, I think I’m part of some weird Tuskegee style experiment (except minus the syphilis and racism) to see how long a person can be surrounded by the crazy and not lose it. Either that or I’m on a Hidden Camera reality show that I bet is huge in Germany and South Korea. Either way, releases the Kraken. I’m donezo.

Help Me Make it Rain!

Money may not to buy you class, but you know what it can buy you? A whole bunch of badass crap that makes you happier than a pig in shit.  I’m tired of being poor. That’s why I’ve decided I need to think of some more money making schemes ASAP. I have yet to receive one offer for my Friends For Hire business, which I think is bullshit since it’s a brilliant idea, but whatever.  Below are couple of other side businesses I think RVA would benefit from quite nicely:

Essay Writing.  I’m a fairly decent writer and already have a ton of old college and graduate school papers written and ready for your use!  My services were employed several times during my tenure as a college student. (Go Duke Dogs!)  Want me write about symbolism in the Scarlet Letter? Not a problem. Maybe you’re a bit more advanced and need a 30 page paper on magical realism in African literature? Look no further, because I’m your girl. Papers can also be custom written for an additional fee. Grade A! Trust!

No Bieber, No Problem! Are you tired of listening to same terrible top 40 songs and feeling like you have no soul or taste?  I’m not writing music reviews over there at Pitchfork (call me!) or anything, but I fancy myself fairly well versed in non shitty music. We’ll start off easy-like depending on your musical tastes (Modest Mouse, Passion Pit, The Postal Service) and then move on to the good stuff (too many to list) .  No Kings of Leon, though. I hate those guys.  So, so overated. Anywhoos, you’ll be amazed how much happier you are when you’re not listening to bad music all day at work! 

 

Personal assistant. (No funny business!)  I’ll come over for a nominal fee and do all the things you hate to do! If you’re anything like me these tasks include, but are not limited to, walking your dogs, laundry and checking your mail. I’ll also run a various assortment of errands for you but none that involve me leaving the five mile radius of the Fan. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have standards!

Cockney Tutor. (The accent! No funny business!) Want to trick people when you’re out that you work for BP Oil just to see their reaction? Then look no further because my skills will have you convincing people that you’re “awfully sorry about that Gulf!” in three sessions, money back not guaranteed!

If you’re interested in any of the above mentioned services, becoming an investor, my rich boyfriend or just all around super generous person who likes to donate money to the less fortunate, hit me up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

The Weekend in Review: May 21st-May 23rd

I love to hate you. Hard.

I hate when I actually have to work at work. Normally I can get away with the bare minimum (read maybe an hour a day) but lately shit’s been bananas and I’ve barely had a hot second to do what I do best: write awesome self-deprecating blog posts about my life that make most of you happy that you’re not me! Just to tide y’all over until I have more free time here’s the short list of the highlights of my weekend:

Friday: I cleaned my disgusting hovel of an apartment from ten in the morning until one in the afternoon. Thoroughly impressed with my responsible actions I treat myself to a nap and a happy hour at Legend’s which turned into drinks at Havana which turned into even more drinks at Sidewalk. I think I high fived people? Fun times.

Saturday: I woke up still drunk and met my mom for some classy art gallery stuff (don’t worry about it) and then lunch. The booze began to wear off as soon we were seated and I went from being mildy punch to cold sweating. Sensing the urgency of the situation, mom orders me a Bloody Mary straight away and orders me to drink it post haste.  The apple doesn’t fall far the tree, ifyouknowwhatimsayin.  I comply and treat myself to another nap after lunch. Saturday evening arrives and it’s time for some wine with the ladies which later turns into whiskey with a different group of ladies. Gross. I need to stop drinking whiskey on the rocks straight away.

Sunday: I briefly wake up around 10:00 to walk the boys. I even drink a cup of coffee and fool myself for a hot second that I’m going to get up and be productive. Ten minutes later I retire back to the bed where I don’t rise again until 1:30. I do some light fitness to (unsuccessfully) get back to good, but it’s not until my second glass of wine at The Republic when I start to feel normal again.  Sunday Funday, FTW!

So there you have it folks, my weekend in review. Sorry it’s not more detailed, but just you wait. Soon I’ll be back on my A game of working the bare minimum to not get fired!

We are turning one!

Happy birthday to us!

UPDATED AT 2:34 PM EST! 

Hi, guys. Guess what?  Our little baby blog is turning one on Friday. Can you believe it?  I would like to take a trip down memory lane if you don’t mind and revisit some of my favorite posts from the past year.  

I tickled myself pink when I created my own bar guide.  A year later it is still shockingly accurate. Kudos to me!  

We took it really hard when Terrell Brown left NBC 12 last summer. Barista and I still wax poetic about infamous time our main man did a snow angel on the side of Midlothian Turnpike in two inches of snow with his microphone still on. God damn, that was great.  

We are good at generalizations and stereotypes (they save time). Nowhere is this more evident than our Virginia College Retrospective series. Barista’s tribute to Randolph Macon and my ditty about JMU are my favs.  Please note, these posts still receive comments which cause me to LOL/ROTFL/LMBO forever.  

Remember when I got Billy Mays? I do, too. Longest relationship I’ve had since my big D.  

Then we went on vacation!  

One of my favorite Top Fives!  

Remember when RVA was obsessed with naming our new baseball team? I still wish the Richmond Hambones won, but whatever. Screw it.  

Cat Scratch Fever took over my life in November. Barista had to get all intervention up on my ass with the help of a few of our friends. R.I.P Little Jerry Seinfeld!    

Stop bitching about the heat. Remember all of this bullshit?  

Bob McDonnell and The Cooch really step up the crazy, making my job a hell of a lot easier. Thanks, guys!  

I tried to leave UMOT out of it, but was quickly scolded on my decision.  The thought of getting called bitter one more time made my skin crawl.  But hey, it’s a great post. Plus also, two different people are now committed into buying me all the tacos I can eat if I get called something I deem nasty. Cheers!   

Here’s to another year of snarky badassery. See y’all at the club.

Cafe Darkness Top Five Ways to Avoid your Coworkers!

The coast is clear. Proceed with caution.

Working in an office forces you to interact with people you would normally cross the street to avoid in real life.  As such, there are social niceties that one is forced to abide by so as to not be fired.  Below are the top five offenders and what to do when you find yourself in these  super scary situations.

1-Elevators.  I will walk up 6 flights of stairs to avoid riding in an elevator with a stranger. The more strangers, the more shift-eyed I become, but sometimes you think you’re in the clear and suddenly you sense someone trying to catch the same elevator you’re already in.  How do you avoid taking an elevator with someone you work with?  First of all: breathe. You’ll get through this.  If you sense them coming, hit the “close door” button repeatedly. Hopefully they’re a fatty (likely) and will slowly shuffle up just as the elevator doors close in their face. 

2-Break room.  This is a top offender, especially early in the AM. You need coffee but the last think you want to do is talk about your coworker’s child’s soccer game. (PSA to all parents:  Trust me when I say no one cares. No One.)  Anywhoos, the best way to avoid engaging in mindless chatter is to put on your “busy” face. When they attempt to talk, simply nod and say you would love to hear all about it, but you must get those TPS reports out before your boss gets in.

3-Before meeting chatter.  Besides meetings being the biggest time waster on the planet, they are also ripe with opportunities to have to talk to people you hate.  The best way to avoid discussing American Idol is to arrive 5-10 minutes late. If your tardiness for the party is questioned, blame your Outlook calendar. Or Tsaur.  Works every time.

4-The pop-by. Sometimes you can’t control who stops by your desk to chat with you about their mile long runs (TSaur, I’m looking at you here), their granddaughter’s birthday party (Hulking Secretary FTW) or their millionth weekend getaway to the Homestead (Manager).  The best way to avoid these unwelcomed intrusions to your internetting is to make sure you constantly have your headphones on (it makes you appear engrossed) and piles of work scattered about your desk. They’ll take one look at you and just keep on walking lest you ask them to assist.

5.  Copy room and/or fax machine.  If you feel like partying like it’s 1999, you’ll take your bad self to the copy room and make yourself some copies or you could hot tub time machine back to 1984 and fax yourself some papers!  In these situations you’re trapped and there’s little you can do to avoid being bothered you when you’re busy daydreaming about unicorns.  (!!)  To extricate yourself from this situation, you’ll need strategery.  A good offense is required in this case so make sure you thwart any attempts by saying you think you had some bad mayonnaise at lunch and your stomach is acting up something fierce!  They’ll want to leave worse than Whitney Houston needs a new hit.  Trust.

The customer is very rarely right

I'M NOT PAYING FOR THE PICKLES!

Now don’t go spreading this around town, but typically I am not nearly as big of a bitch as I appear on the Internets.  I know, right?  As such, until I have labeled you a dick, I’m going to be nice to you. Unless you’re holding hands walking down the street. For some reason this drives me crazy. How is that an effective way of walking? It’s ridiculous and I’ve been noticing it more and more around RVA. So please, cut it out.  But I digress.  I am especially nice to those working any type of service industry job. Their jobs blow shit. I know this because I have worked them and any time a person thinks they have a modicum of control, they’ll exert their “power” in the most dick way possible. 
 
Fast forward to today. After a glorious bike ride I decided that TLW deserved herself a Stuffy’s Sub. I heart Stuffy’s. It’s the shit. End of discussion.  Anywhoos, so I’m patiently waiting in line and absorbed in losing my most recent Words With Friends game when I look up and hear a man barking orders at the poor kid behind the counter. “Double up on the tomatoes!” “More spices!” “Pickle Spear!”  “Why is this taking SO LONG?!”  At first I thought that this must be some kind of joke because no one is this big of an asshole, right? 
 
 
After taking what seemed like an eternity to get his precious order correct, the kid had the unfortunate task of informing him that pickles were, wait for it, 25 cents extra. You would have thought he told him he got a blowie from his equally irritating wife the way he reacted. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN PICKLES ARE EXTRA?! I’VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO RIDICULOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Resisting the urge to jump in with a, “Oh really? How about George W. Bush wining the presidential election-TWICE?” I continued to look at the scene unfolding before me.  Deciding the pickles were worth the extra fifty cents he decided to extract change from his pocket and toss it forcefully on the counter.  “Just ridiculous!” he added one last time before attempting to walk away.
 
Unable to control myself any longer I finally said, “You know what, sir? You’re a real dick, you know that?” He just stared at me unable to comprehend what I had said. “Well, uh…yeah..I mean…uh..yeah”, he mumbled. “Yep, a real Grade A asshole. Excuse me, I need to pay”.  Then I looked at the poor cashier and said, “Sorry, people can be such jerkoffs.”  I’m not sure why I decided to chime in. Maybe it was because of the whiskey I had the night prior. Maybe it was because, having worked at that same Stuffy’s from the ages of 16-22,  I dealt with similar situations and hadn’t been able to say what I was thinking at the time.  Either way, it felt real nice.  Happy Sunday everybody!

Help Wanted

It's an empty position situation!

 

Wanted: Single Male who enjoys the simpler things in life such as boozing too much on school nights, impromptu dance parties, bad reality television and having adventures on foot or bicycle.  Potential applicants must have extensive knowledge about beatin’ the beat, shenanigans and irony.  Skullduggery and emotional unavailability is a plus, but not required.  Republicans, religious zealots and baby daddies need not apply.   

The deadline for this application is Friday, March 26th.  Interested candidates may forward their resume and headshot to cafedarkness@gmail.com.  NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE!  

TLW is an equal opportunity employer and applicants of all races are encouraged to apply.

Limited Time Offer

Totally Safe!

Cafe Darkness is pleased to present a very special limited time offer.  We will baby sit your kids for the low low price of $10 per hour!  We promise not to eat your food, erase your DVR or snoop through your night stand drawers!  We are available 7 days a week between 10 am – 2 am.  You must have a Skype account and a web cam in front of your child.  You accept all liability for any damages, as we will never actually step foot in your home.

We have taken the time to write testimonials that we believe are an accurate reflection of what a client would say about our service:

Skype Sitters from Cafe Darkness are a life saver!  I never have to plan or clean  my house when I need a baby sitter again.  I just hit up B or TLW on Twitter, and one of them is guaranteed to be able to go online and watch my child over the internet!  I can pay the gals through PayPal which is so nice!  I never even have to learn their real names - Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 1 

My child is a very active 2-year-old.  I find that Skype Sitters from Cafe Darkness really know how to wear him out!  When I got home the girls emailed me to say that he enjoyed dancing to Lady Gaga and they played hide and seek for at least an hour by opening and closing their laptops.   He started off a bit scared by the floating heads and strange voices, but he got used to it in no time.  Now he points at Mommy’s lap top and says “disco stick”.  Thanks gals - Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 2

I find Cafe Darkness Skype Sitting really handy when I’m on the go.  I used to feel bad about leaving my kids in the car while I bowl, or making them sit in the garage when I entertain gentlemen.  Now two hours of battery life gives me peace of mind – Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 3

Cafe Darkness Skype Sitters are not trained to perform emergency services but do promise to text you right away if we have not seen your children in 15 minutes or more.  We even offer a money back guarantee if we cannot fulfill the entire sitting job.  What are you waiting for?  Start using Skype Sitters today!

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