Archive for the ‘I use the internets to find things!’ Category

It’s Raining Something Fierce

Forgive me for easing my way back into this blog like an old man settling into a lukewarm bath.  But if you will be so kind as to indulge me, I’d like to take a gander at some live, local tweets about everyone’s favorite topic, The Weather.  We love weather.  We hate weather.  We love to hate people who don’t love Jim Duncan.  We share our thoughts on weather via the internets like we are co-pilots with Mother Nature.   Here’s what Richmond is saying right now:

@kenyasaidso Can it rain any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
@AmandaLGalloway  Serious rain headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is raining so hard on 64.
 
@richmondscene The Listening Room tonight! Rain or wel..l rain… It’s going to be a great night.
 
@NKF_YPC  What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA rain?
 
@mtnbke  Wow, and here comes the rain and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
@mikethentrovert Watch yourselves in all this rain #RVA
 
Wow.  Can it get any better than this I ask?  Could it?!?!  What if we read those same tweets again and replaced “rain” with “sex”.  Would it make weather more interesting and dangerous and omg would Jim Duncan send us a glossy 8 x 11 autographed photo finally?  Let’s see.  
 
Can it sex any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
Serious sex headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is sexing so hard on 64.
 
The Listening Room tonight! Sex or wel..l sex… It’s going to be a great night.
 
What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA sex?
 
Wow, and here comes the sex and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
Watch yourselves in all this sex #RVA
 
You decide.  Tweet on. 
 
PS  – We’ll be waiting for you Jim.

Oh. Okay.

Peaches!

Hi. Can I be perfectly candid with you for a hot minute?  You guys positively (without having feline AIDS) find the CD by searching the weirdest shit on the internets.  It seriously creeps me out, but love you/mean it anyway!

Some of you found us by searching “Harrisonburg smells like dog food.” And you’re damn straight it does. The home of my alma mater (GO DUKE DOGS!) smells like dog food like woah. It’s gross. Think about that smell the next time you bite into some juicy chicken, ‘cause that’s why.  Chicken farms, y’all. Chicken. Farms.

Small children and very pregnant women scare me, thus I am confused and scared as to why “children playing cricket” brought you to Café Darkness, but while you’re here, sit down and enjoy yourself! 

A few you “want a divorce” and that makes me have a sad for you. JK. I don’t care. Get a divorce and go live your life. 

I’m not sure who “Peaches the cat” is but that’s one pussy I’d like to meet! MEOW! RAR!

Cheers to whoever actually typed the words “dance floor ooooooooooh” into Google and hit “enter”. Call me! Let’s dance!

You guys are bananas.  Now get me another drink. I’m still sober and it’s Thirsty Thursday and I’ve been sober since last night.

Helpful Hints from the Desk of Barista

DO:  Cut the head’s off pictures of friends and paste them onto the bodies of centaurs

DO:  Respond to emails only with Glory be!  Examples – Can you send me a copy of that affidavit?  Glory be!   Hey, it’s 3:10.  You’re late for our meeting.  Glory be!  Here’s a PowerPoint I created for your review.  Glory be!  Wanna smoke?  Glory be!

DO:  Spend all day reading about Sandra Bullock’s baby.  When confronted about how much time you’ve spent on the internets, call your accuser an insensitive WASP.

DO:  Wear tube socks pulled all the way up with WNBA basketball shorts.  Sike!  Just laugh at the woman you see dressed that way.

DON’T:  Be productive.

Phoned In Friday

Also phones in stuff. Like her career.

It’s Friday and I’m pretty much the only person here at Steal Your Soul, Inc besides TSaur. You know his ass his here.  He never takes a day off, even when he’s not getting paid for them!  Nothing like a little old fashioned volunteering for a Corporation that hates you.  But I digress. 

Barista is on her way to Atlantic City and will be sipping a woo woo sooner rather than later while I sit here hating life.  As such, I’m phoning in today’s post and serving up a big ole slice of How You Crazies End Up Finding the CD Pie.   Seriously, it gets weirder and weirder. 

Why are women over 30 so bitter? I dunno, maybe because we’ve been putting up with people’s bullshit for thirty years and we’re sick of it? Just a guess though, so don’t hold me to it.

Jesus, do you love me? No, he clearly does not love you if you are Googling, “Jesus, do you love me?” You fail at life. Goodbye.

Nude amoeba pics Seriously? I’m not sure what kind of sick shit this person is into but nude amoeba pictures? That’s too much, even for me.

Virginia Hot Tub Time Machine Did my little ditty about Bobby McD start, like, a thing? Kinda like how all the celebs are claiming to be celibate just like me recently ?! (Read nothing into the word “claim”, please.)  Can I start getting credit for my shit? Goddamn!

My neighbor is crazy and I hate her It’s hard living in your parent’s basement. Sometimes parents just don’t understand!

What to say when I call 911 and there’s a fire? If I ever doubted natural selection, it would be because of this question right here.  I have a feeling that whatever moron Googled this proudly displays Sarah Palin’s book on their coffee table. Just a guess though as I (hopefully) don’t know anyone dumb enough to Google this question.

True or False

I’ve seriously been neglecting my duties as a slacker lately…I’ve been working entirely too much to get in my usual 27 hours a week of internets time.   Since I’ve gots no time to write anything that even comes close to TLW’s wit of late, I offer you a quiz.  Feel free to post your answers as a comment.  I will personally send each of the 5 people I expect to read this a backhanded compliment if you score at least a 20% on the test. 

True or False:

1.  TLW and Barista had a serious conversation about 18th century English literature yesterday without mentioning woo woos once.

2.  TLW fell down SOBER in front of Metro and showed all of RVA her business.  (This one might be a trick question with the words TLW and sober in the same sentence)

3.  Barista is a world-class river dancer. 

4.  Bitchy McSweatervest is the most awesome nickname Cafe Darkness has ever assigned.

5.  Bob McDonnell has guaranteed that whenever you travel outside of Virginia you will have to work extra hard to shake off the backwoods redneck reputation he created for you.

It’s a Boy!

Billy Mays II and Slap Chop!

 Barista is proud to announce the birth of Vince “Slap Chop” Shlomi at 7:04 pm on March 17, 2010.  Slap Chop weighed in at a healthy 6 oz and 169 grams, with a 3.7 inch colorful display and 385 minutes of battery life.

 
Named after Offer Vince Shlomi, the obvious successor of Billy Mays the spokesman,  Slap Chop  one day hopes to step out of Mays shadow and dominate the smart phone and as-seen-on-tv infomercial markets.  Slap Chop can already get on the internets as fast as Billy Mays II, and has a slide-out qwerty keyboard which Billy Mays II does not.  Slap Chop also does something supposedly awesome like run all sorts of applications at the same time while Billy Mays II cannot; however, no one including Barista can figure out what exactly is cool about that feature.  Slap Chop is a super awesome name, verb (slap chop = trust) and now also a drinking game which Barista and TLW will play for the next 8 months.  In conclusion, Slap Chop is every bit as fantabulous as Billy Mays II.  Beauty is in the web processor, right?
 
 
Slap Chop and Barista will call her mother as soon as they figure out how to use the phone.

I use the Google!

You're a mystery

Because I’m hungover like a mother today, I’m totally phoning this one in. As such, I’m taking the easy way out and presenting to you the most recent version of “I use the Internets to Find Things” also known as the weird shit y’all Google and somehow end up here. 

Tuna Sandwich.  Who is searching “tuna sandwich”? More importantly, why are you searching “tuna sandwich”? Is someone confused about what’s in a tuna sandwich? Hint: it’s tuna.  

Who is Café Darkness?  That’s none of your god damn business! 

Why is there a dog food smell at JMU?   Using my superior deductive reasoning skills I bet you want to find out why JMU smells like dog food. The answer to that my little Duke Dog friend is simple: it’s the trillion chickens they slaughter every day.  When the wind blows a certain way the smell from the poultry abattoir of death blows over the beautiful Shenandoah Valley for all to enjoy! I’ll take the chicken tenders, please! 

How Many People Dislike Doing Laundry?  Everyone hates doing laundry if you have an ounce of a life.  The same people who enjoy doing laundry are the same lame-os who like snow storms on the weekend. Whee! Frozen water! From the sky! I mean! 

Go Live Your Life.   Just so you know this should only be said in a Russian accent.  Outlandish stories about being a mail order bride stories and wanting to leave your fat, American husband for (whoever is standing there) recommended but not required.

Snookin for Love

From time to time we update you on search engine terms that bring readers to Cafe Darkness.  Valentine’s Day brought out some of the best yet:

  • Cats many of them
  • Unhappily married on Valentine’s Day
  • Laundry + Cafe
  • Beer
  • Divorce
  • How to catch a cougar
  • Push-up bra on cougar
  • Orangey the cat
  • Best high heels
  • F*&! first, eat later?

Editor’s note to whomever actually googled f&*! first, eater later?  I suspect you suffer from bulimia (which legitimizes your question) or you are the real Ed Hardy.  Get professional help either way.

Editor’s note:  Don’t ask me why I didn’t spell out f#&*.  It’s not you, it’s me.

Divorce. It does a blog good!

I don't know. Ask him!

Over the past week the number one search term to bring readers to the CD has been “divorce”.  Like 50 plus people a day.  Every day.  I know….right?  The post they link to is  “Congratulations on your Recent Dissolution of Marriage”  which is ironic since it has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, but rather my excuse to go out drinking because it was my Special Divorce Day. 

I almost feel bad for those out there searching the lonely internets in hopes of finding some words of wisdom and then stumbling upon our blog, which offers no guidance whatsoever to those confused, sad souls.  I can only hope that the excitement I felt on June 25, 2009 can somehow give them strength that one day they too can go out and get inappropriately drunk on a school night and light a sombrero on fire in front of a police officer without reprieve. Shit, if they’re lucky maybe the King of Pop will die that day forever reminding you of the best of your life each and every year upon the anniversary on his death. Oh wait.  That was my special divorce day!  How sad for you.  Here’s to the Man in the Mirror!

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