Archive for the ‘important memos’ Category

We are turning one!

Happy birthday to us!

UPDATED AT 2:34 PM EST! 

Hi, guys. Guess what?  Our little baby blog is turning one on Friday. Can you believe it?  I would like to take a trip down memory lane if you don’t mind and revisit some of my favorite posts from the past year.  

I tickled myself pink when I created my own bar guide.  A year later it is still shockingly accurate. Kudos to me!  

We took it really hard when Terrell Brown left NBC 12 last summer. Barista and I still wax poetic about infamous time our main man did a snow angel on the side of Midlothian Turnpike in two inches of snow with his microphone still on. God damn, that was great.  

We are good at generalizations and stereotypes (they save time). Nowhere is this more evident than our Virginia College Retrospective series. Barista’s tribute to Randolph Macon and my ditty about JMU are my favs.  Please note, these posts still receive comments which cause me to LOL/ROTFL/LMBO forever.  

Remember when I got Billy Mays? I do, too. Longest relationship I’ve had since my big D.  

Then we went on vacation!  

One of my favorite Top Fives!  

Remember when RVA was obsessed with naming our new baseball team? I still wish the Richmond Hambones won, but whatever. Screw it.  

Cat Scratch Fever took over my life in November. Barista had to get all intervention up on my ass with the help of a few of our friends. R.I.P Little Jerry Seinfeld!    

Stop bitching about the heat. Remember all of this bullshit?  

Bob McDonnell and The Cooch really step up the crazy, making my job a hell of a lot easier. Thanks, guys!  

I tried to leave UMOT out of it, but was quickly scolded on my decision.  The thought of getting called bitter one more time made my skin crawl.  But hey, it’s a great post. Plus also, two different people are now committed into buying me all the tacos I can eat if I get called something I deem nasty. Cheers!   

Here’s to another year of snarky badassery. See y’all at the club.

Facespace May be the Death of Me

I saw this little ditty of a status update on Facespace today and it made me want to claw my eyes out of my skull and throw them at the person who posted it. Please note: this is exactly how it appeared on my news feed.   

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a student, a referee, a taxi driver, a nanny, a nurse, a handy woman, a maid, a secretary, security, and a comforter. I don’t get holiday, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked. Now tell me that YOUR job is harder then mine. Repost this if you’re a MOM.

Let’s break down the most annoying aspects of this update, besides the preachy, “I’m better than you” vibe.  We’ll leave that to your imagination!

1-I’m not sure when not having pushed a child out of a vagina exempted us empty-wombed women from having to cook, drive, tend to wounds we suffer when skipping and subsequently falling or paying bills but nada mas!   Life: I’m doing it wrong! 

2-I also work through the day and am underpaid. Totes sucks!  And it is “underpaid”, not “under paid”, just so you know. Same deal with “over worked” which means something entirely different from what you meant to say which was “overworked”.  And last but not least, it’s “harder than”, not “harder then”.  Sorry, grammer’s a bitch! 

3-Again, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I would say these should be separate sentences: 

I don’t get holiday, sick pay, or a day off (PERIOD!) I work through the day and some of the night (PERIOD!) I am under paid (SIC) and over worked (SIC).

4-I don’t care enough about my job to tell you if it’s harder than yours. My job blows. Sounds like yours does, too so we’re even.

5-I’m not a MOM, but I am an AQUARIUS. I like tacos, unicorns and shiny things with a sparkle. Let’s get together and talk about you and your MOTHERHOOD and me and my inability to connect to people on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL!

Ukrop’s Sold, Panic Ensues

 

Hiding Is Helpful

Two days ago Ukrop’s completed the sale of 25 grocery stores to a Dutch company who plans to break the grocer’s long-standing tradition of remaining closed on Sundays.     Mother Nature plans to protest the sale by hammering the Mid-Atlantic for all time.

Local artist Meade Skelton has not played a show outside of his apartment in ages, which is somehow related to the sale of Ukrop’s as all terrible things are. 

Interstate 64 opened up a wide sink hole in New Kent County yesterday due to sadness and because it could saying the end of the Ukrop’s era must be marked with something as epic as a giant hole in New Kent. 

Henrico County has apologized for its inability to make timely decisions this morning saying that they were too busy bargaining with God to restore Ukrop’s to their former power and glory to consider the safety of local children.

The Virginia Senate has delayed passing any significant legislation since Monday surely because Ukrop’s is dust in the wind, instead opting to prohibit citizens from stuffing bears that they have killed for being a nuisance.

Of note, you did not buy enough milk or bread from Ukrop’s and now it’s too late and it’s all your fault. 

In related news robots who steal your breath will arrive in Richmond by tonight.

Cabin Fever!

Don't let this happen to you

Cabin Fever is a medical condition caused by prolonged deprivation to sunlight, being subjected to a continual onslaught of winter storms and living in a city that refuses to clear the roads for fuck’s sake. 

Symptoms include increased feelings of needing to get the hell out of one’s apartment before they lose their shit, despair that it’s only February 3rd for the love of God and yelling at ice patches near the dumpster that make you almost slip and break your god damn back.  The inability to go live one’s life unfettered by Mother Nature’s wintry wrath was also reported.  Sufferers may experience crazy eyes, the need for impromptu happy hours and the uncontrollable need to talk about more potential winter storms that can’t possibly hit on another weekend, please for the love of Baby Jesus.  The decision to quit one’s job and move to Costa Rica is uncommon, but has occurred in rare cases. 

If you, or someone you love, is suffering from Cabin Fever please seek treatment immediately as prolonged exposure to Cabin Fever can lead to anywhere from pissy moods to eating too much cheese.  Treatments include dance parties, karaoke, not watching American Idol and binge drinking.

An Open Letter to Jim Duncan and Andrew Freiden

Dear Jim Duncan and Andrew Freiden,

We all know that you get paid to forecast the weather and that accuracy is something you take pride in.  We however, cannot take any more Winter without losing our minds.  We’re hoping that as Richmond’s most badass weather duo you could do us all a huge favor:  lie to us like getting your best friend out of jail depends on it.   

We’re not saying that accuracy has to go out with the bath water (I really hate that cliché but my stock pile of available cutesy things to say to make a point is running low) but we would be most appreciative if you could hype up Tuesday’s storm enough that we can stay home from work tomorrow.  Instead of this forecast could you perhaps tell your News Director that we’re all going to die tomorrow?  Change your prediction to be more along the lines of 6-8 inches of ice and locusts arriving around 10 am tomorrow morning.  If swarms of insects are out of season, maybe you could throw in some damaging winds and lightning.  Cloud-to-ground lightning strikes if you please.

We are begging you on behalf of every adult who has been robbed of yet another weekend to please get me us out of work tomorrow.  It’s Richmond for crying out loud!  We deserve at least one snow day with no precipitation each year.  I can ask my delegate to introduce a no-snow holiday to the General Assembly if that will ease your conscience. 

Please guys, do it for the adults.

Yours in Conspiracy,

Barista

2010 Professional Goals!

Pretending to care is hard work!

Even more pointless than the year end employee review where you are told how great of an employee you are and how they sure do wish they could give you a raise but gosh darn it we’re just too busy giving old white guys raises so you are shit out of luck is the meeting in the beginning of the year to discuss your “professional goals” for the year ahead.  Now if I weren’t paid less than the secretary (truth) then perhaps this would be a fruitful exercise.  As it stands now, that is not the case so any mention of “projects” or “new responsibilities” makes me giggle like a school girl.  I’m a firm believer in the mantra, “You get what you pay for” so if you want to pay me 20% below the pay grade for my job then you will get 20% less productivity from the year before. So, what are my goals then?  Easy. 

1-Increase my resentment and bitterness toward Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Continue to fantasize about quitting in a blaze of glory. 

2-Look for other places of employment while, at the same time, resisting the urge to accept another equally mind numbing job. 

3-Complacency, complacency, complacency! If ain’t broke certainly don’t expend any additional energy trying to fix it. 

4-Push the limits of “business casual” attire.  It’s all about comfort, y’all and wearing fancy work clothes is just too much effort. 

5-See how often I can bring up my salary to middle and upper management at any opportunity.  Make others uncomfortable due to discrepancy in pay.  For example:

Manager: Have you tried that new place that opened up last week around the corner?

Me: No. I only have $12.52 to last me until we get paid again in 11 days.

Manager: ……..

Me: Right. 

I’m excited about 2010’s professional goals. I only hope I can live up to my own high standards. I’ve always been my hardest critic!

Cafe Darkness Does Declare

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cafe Darkness is pleased to share with you that on January 5, 2010 at 1:26 pm EST, The Year of 2010 was officially pronounced, weighing in totally awesome at 4 words, 1 of which is a contraction which in our opinion is 1 word and not 2 words.    This is the earliest public announcement of any Cafe Darkness year on record, a long-standing tradition that dates all the way back to 2005.  Before we unveil the New Year let’s take a look back at years gone by:

2005 – The Year of Bad Service

2006 – A Very Merry Passive-Aggressive Year

2007 – The Year of the Cocksucker

2008 – The Year of What You Mean?

2009 – The Year of Best Practices

The current theme of the year went into effect at 1:27 pm EST today and shall remain in effect until December 31, 2010.  And the winner is……

2010 – The Year of That’s Not My Problem

Woo woos and fireworks!  You are not responsible for anything for an entire year!!!!  You have 12 unpaid parking tickets?  That sounds like a revenue shortfall for the city – not your problem.  Thieves have stolen your identity and purchased a small country in your name?  Not your problem.  You never agreed to deliver a state of the union address.  You got fired from your job?  You don’t work there anymore; it’s not your problem that someone took the fancy cappuccino maker home without permission.  All you can say about it is hell yes you’ll be having another half-caf with extra froth in your pajammy jams.

Other things that definitely aren’t your problem include-but are not limited to-no account fools who can’t handle your truth and defriend you on Facespace.  New girlfriend’s of husband’s past who consider you “baggage”.  Seem like she needs to take a look at the (wo)Man in the Mirror.  Short staffed at work with an insurmountable amount of work to complete in a very short span of time?  That, my friend, is the company’s problem-not yours.  In the wise words of Silkk The Shocker, “It ain’t my fault. (Did I do that?)”  And to answer his question, yes, I did do that, but it’s clearly not my problem. 

Work it.  Own it.  Live it.  Love it.  Or don’t love it…it’s not our problem!

Happy New Year Y’all

 

Two girls, one blog.  One hell of a memorable year.

We knew heading into 2009 that we were going to have our hands full.  The economy tanked.  We (gulp) faced down the barrel of turning 30 like two surly pirates drunk on stolen rum.  We were furloughed and furloughed some more.  But none of these things defined 2009.  Best practices were established and enforced.  We made new friends (you) and confirmed that our old friends are the best anyone could ever have.  We danced and high-kicked our way through the worst of times, and in the process had ourselves some of the best.  It’s official – we survived 2009.

From the bottom of our twisted hearts, thank you for letting the lights shine on at Cafe Darkness.  Woo woos to all, and to all a good night.

See ya in 2010 – trust.

What about “The Others”?

T Saur gets a lot of airtime on the CD and this is a disservice to the countless other annoying people who also work at Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Just because they don’t smell like moss and pennies doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some recognition!   

I Talk About My Kids Because I Have Nothing Else Going On.  This is actually three people, but one in particular sits right across from me so I hear the gory details about little Sally’s colds every day.  (Side note: Sally is sick a lot. I think she should be placed in a bubble until her immune system gets stronger. Just a suggestion!)  Before I quit this place it is my solemn vow to ask these women what they discussed prior to breeding.  Hey, I like kids just as much as the next person (sort of) but why these women think I give a rat’s ass about their children’s Christmas recital is beyond me.

Them: “Oh my Gosh, Timmy was so nervous he screamed and cried all the way there, isn’t that funny?! He did NOT want to be that wise man but I made him!”

Me: “That actually may constitute child abuse, but I’m not sure”. 

Bottom line: unless you’re my friend, I don’t give a shit about your kids.

Personal Phone Call Overload.  Trust me.  I get it.  Getting a divorce is tough. Sure I took zero days off last year when I was getting my crap together and yeah, I never once talked about it at work, but I’ll give you three month pass on the personal phone calls. But listen-it’s been over a year and you’re remarried now.  Man, you don’t skip a beat, do you?  Anywhoos, can we limit the personal phone calls to 3-4 a day? On the one hand I admire your bravado and laissez-faire attitude toward your job but when I have to hear you talk to your “Sweetums” thirteen times a day informing him of your every move when you are not in his presence it gets tiresome. 

Not Joining Mensa Anytime Soon Secretary.  Not everyone is the brightest bulb and that is fine, but you, ma’am, may have suffered a traumatic head injury as a youngster thus impeding your ability to comprehend simple concepts such as:  “Are we out of pens?”, “Is the printer broken?”, and “Don’t stand so close to me”.  Instead of hand delivering everyone’s mail (creepy) why don’t you stick to the tasks everyone actually cares about-like ordering coffee? I have been a receptionist before.  It sucked.  A lot.  But I knew when to place the coffee order and how to order god damn paper towels.  It’s really not that hard.  Trust. 

Happy Holidays, everyone!  It is my last day until ’10.  DON’T GO CHANGIN’ ON ME IN ’10!

Employee Evaluation time!

You will never get this hour of your life back

If you are unlucky enough to have landed yourself a job in Corporate America then you are subject to the most obnoxious waste of time any employee must endure-the yearly employee review.  Back when I  did not hate my job and did not have to struggle to purchase even the most basic necessities in life, I actually looked forward to this time where I could show my manager all of the hard work I had done that year and why I deserved my shitastic 3% “raise”.  Pro tip: This is not a raise at all, but a standard of living increase that puts no more money in your pocket at the end of the day.  Just sayin’. Moving on. 

As the years progressed so has my extreme dislike toward corporate culture and the realization that the employee review has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of compensation for job performance. At all. As a matter of fact your “raise” (or in my case, no raise at all) has been determined months prior when management works on budgets, further proving my point that this is the most wasted hour of your life that you will never get back. Yet you are forced to sit there and beg for the “raise” that you may or may not actually receive that you may or may not deserve but at the end of the day is irrelevant because the amount has been predetermined back in August. 

2009 has single handedly been the worst year of my entire life financially and I would like to let management know that while I enjoy having to decide whether to buy either coffee or milk at the grocery store because I only have $4.00, I don’t think they quite “get it”.  In light of this, I have decided to turn my 2009 employee review as a time to let them know what I think of they should sacrifice in 2010!  You know, even the playing field a little bit.  Instead of three rounds of golf this weekend, play only one. Go to The Homestead for a week and a half, as opposed to two.  Cut back from weekly massages to one a month.  I think if we all pitch in then we can really help turn this company around!  Now excuse me-I need to decide whether I should pay my electric bill or car insurance.  Cheers!

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