Archive for the ‘jk!’ Category

Tony Hayward pledges BP support, asks Lindsay Lohan out for drinks

"I've always had a thing for gingers"

TEXAS CITY, TEXAS-Standing on the tar-filled shores of a Texas City beach, British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward pledged that his company would do, “everything in its power” to restore the delicate ecosystem of the Gulf Coast after an oil leak in the Deepwater Horizon began gushing millions of gallons of oil in what is now the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history.  All of the Gulf States have now been affected by the spill as oil continues to flow unchecked. 

Hayward said his company, “is working around the clock to contain the leak and ohmygod did you hear about Lindsay Lohan getting sentenced to 90 days in jail?!”  Hayward continued that BP, “deeply regrets the devastation to the local economy, wildlife and sweet Jesus if a gorgeous starlet like Lindsay Lohan can be sentenced to jail over something silly like consistently violating the terms of her probation, what was going to happen to me?  Mean Girls is my favorite movie ever and I’m burning sea turtles alive for fuck’s sake!” 

Hayward promised full reparations to local fisherman and vowed to clean off, “all those pesky oily pelicans post haste and oh shit can you believe she painted ‘fuck you’ on her fingernails in court?! What a firecracker!” 

He concluded the press conference assuring the public the oil should be contained by August and wondered if Lindsay found older, megalomaniacal men with British accents attractive?  “If so”, he stated, “call me.” 

Governor Bob McDonnell anounces sweeping changes to Virginia’s weather

A view from the James River at Sunset

RICHMOND, VA.  Governor Bob McDonnell confirmed recent speculations earlier today that he instructed Mother Nature to, “bring her ‘A game’” to the state of Virginia and “really go full throttle with the shitty weather.” 

Meteorologists across the Commonwealth have been assuming something was amiss for months now.  Bob Smith, Chief Meteorologist for the National Weather Service in Wakefield, Virginia, told reporters earlier today that the weather Virginians have suffered from the torrential and daily fall downpours, to the relentless winter snow storms and now to the insufferable 100 degree heat and humidity, “is just not fucking possible without some sort of legislative mandate.”  “C’mon,” he continued, “this is absurd.  It’s only June”, he said in between blotting sweat from his brow. 

When McDonnell was asked the reason for the climatological mandate for year-round intolerable weather, McDonnell responded he was hoping the “gays and blacks would throw in the towel and move.  Liberals, too.  Skedaddle!”  McDonnell further elaborated he would prefer the undesirable residents to go, “someplace more brown and gay, like New York. Or even Chicago. I just want them the hell out of Virginia and if putting the good, Christian conservative residents of our great state through a little hell on earth until they leave, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.” 

At press time, zero people have decided to leave Virginia based on its terrible weather, but several of McDonnell’s constituents and local trailer park residents were suffering the early signs of heat stroke due to lack of air conditioning in their mobile homes.

NBC12′s Jim Duncan to Take an Extended Leave of Absence

MIDLOTHIAN, VA-NBC12 Chief Meteorologist Jim Duncan announced plans yesterday to take a leave of absence from his position until mid-September.  The long-time veteran meteorologist expressed dismay and sorrow at the lack of, “anything exciting happening weather wise in the next two to three months.”  When pressed by reporters to explain his plan to just “kick back and relax” until early fall, Duncan laughed maniacally and told reporters to, “just step outside for a god damn second. You feel that? It’s fucking hot. And humid. Right. Rinse and repeat for the next three months.”

Some speculate Duncan is coming down from the high the past winter brought, which was filled with numerous snow storms, breaking into regular programming, using his favorite “snow tracker” and most importantly, regularly updating his weather blog with potential future winter weather.  “I was getting so many hits on my blog and comments like woah and now no one even checks it”, he said in between spoonfuls of raw cookie dough. 

Inside sources say that ever since the early summer highs of straight 90’s hit in June, Duncan has become increasingly more depressed and agitated.  When asked by a friend if it was going to rain over the weekend he monotonously replied, “30% chance of late afternoon showers. It’s always a 30% chance of late afternoon showers. Who even cares anymore?”

Those close to the meteorologist cautiously hope for at least a small Tropical depression to hit the Central Virginia region in the near future to get him back in the game, but still remember the deep depression Duncan fell into following the aftermath of 2003’s Hurricane Isabel when he threatened to quit, “this weather game” once and for all.

Mad Libs

Mommy what's an adverb?

Oh my goodness, Mr. Barista had the funniest thing ever happen to him on Friday!  He was at a meeting at _________, a well-known fundraiser that supports ___________ .  The ___________ fundraiser has a gala each __________ that’s really fun.  Even though I usually come home with dry cleaning bills from spilling wine on ________ gowns it’s worth the price of admission.   It makes us feel so good, knowing we are supporting local _______.  Tickets usually sell for _____ in case you were wondering.

So anyways, he’s walking up the ________ when he sees a small ______.   He calls to the ______ but gets no answer.  When he’s right on top of the ________ he realizes it’s _________!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How freaking crazy is that?????

Other awesome things going on today include my _______ having a ________.  I hope it’s a _______.

Maybe I’ll stick to writing about nothing.

We are turning one!

Happy birthday to us!

UPDATED AT 2:34 PM EST! 

Hi, guys. Guess what?  Our little baby blog is turning one on Friday. Can you believe it?  I would like to take a trip down memory lane if you don’t mind and revisit some of my favorite posts from the past year.  

I tickled myself pink when I created my own bar guide.  A year later it is still shockingly accurate. Kudos to me!  

We took it really hard when Terrell Brown left NBC 12 last summer. Barista and I still wax poetic about infamous time our main man did a snow angel on the side of Midlothian Turnpike in two inches of snow with his microphone still on. God damn, that was great.  

We are good at generalizations and stereotypes (they save time). Nowhere is this more evident than our Virginia College Retrospective series. Barista’s tribute to Randolph Macon and my ditty about JMU are my favs.  Please note, these posts still receive comments which cause me to LOL/ROTFL/LMBO forever.  

Remember when I got Billy Mays? I do, too. Longest relationship I’ve had since my big D.  

Then we went on vacation!  

One of my favorite Top Fives!  

Remember when RVA was obsessed with naming our new baseball team? I still wish the Richmond Hambones won, but whatever. Screw it.  

Cat Scratch Fever took over my life in November. Barista had to get all intervention up on my ass with the help of a few of our friends. R.I.P Little Jerry Seinfeld!    

Stop bitching about the heat. Remember all of this bullshit?  

Bob McDonnell and The Cooch really step up the crazy, making my job a hell of a lot easier. Thanks, guys!  

I tried to leave UMOT out of it, but was quickly scolded on my decision.  The thought of getting called bitter one more time made my skin crawl.  But hey, it’s a great post. Plus also, two different people are now committed into buying me all the tacos I can eat if I get called something I deem nasty. Cheers!   

Here’s to another year of snarky badassery. See y’all at the club.

Ken Cuccinelli, “I am God”

Virginia's new God: The Cooch

RICHMOND, VA. Virginia’s Attorney General, Kenneth Cuccinelli released a statement earlier today proclaiming himself God, the omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent creator of the Universe.  “By just going ahead and declaring I’m God will make my work as the Commonwealth’s Attorney General that much easier”, he explained to reporters earlier today. “No longer bound by silly corporeal things like the United States Constitution, Federal laws and all around human decency, I can now do whatever I like, whenever I like.”  “I’m in it to win it”, he added. 

Virginia’s clearly insane ultra conservative right-wing nut job Attorney General already made headlines in the short time he has been in office such as when he refused to include sexual orientation in the state’s anti-discrimination policy, altering the state seal for modesty and, most recently, supporting police forcefully taking evidence from local and college newspapers.  “I’m over having to deal with the ‘formalities’ of being this fine state’s Attorney General. I want to just make everyone do what I say, when I say it.  This is actually much, much easier.” 

At press time, 80% of Virginia’s residents were fleeing the state in hopes of escaping the demented man’s wrath. The remaining 20% were erecting statues of Cuccinelli in their front lawn next to their already present Confederate Flag.

New Study Indicates Governor Bob McDonnell is Dr. Claw

Governor Bob McDonnell plots destruction with the help of Virginia's First Pet, M.A.D Cat

RICHMOND, VA.  Researchers announced the shocking results from a recent study conclusively showing Governor Bob McDonnell is indisputably Dr. Claw, the antagonist from the popular 1980’s cartoon Inspector Gadget.  The study, which commenced in January when the Governor first took office, was concluded late yesterday. 

 

Dr. Green, the head scientist leading the study stated earlier Bob McDonnell is Dr. Claw, “beyond a reasonable doubt.”   Dr. Green pointed to the “indisputable” facts such as McDonnell’s refusal to include sexual orientation in the state’s anti-discrimination policy, the resurrection of Confederate History month, and finally the restriction of state funds for abortions to be used only for women who have been victims of rape and incest.  “How could a regular man accomplish so much evil in just four months?  Clearly, the only way this would be possible is if he were a cartoon character”, Green explained to reporters. 

He stated his team first assumed the Virginia Governor was Magneto from X-Men.  But Magneto was quickly ruled out, “since he’s Jewish.”  Gargamel from The Smurfs was also considered until they, “remembered Gargamel was a wizard” something the conservative Christian Governor would never believe in.   “Magic scares them”, he explained.  Finally researchers settled between two top candidates: Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Dr. Claw.  After intensively studying both evil antagonists, Shredder was discounted due to his ethnicity.  “He’s Asian. And McDonnell would never be Asian.” Added Green, “Even a badass ninja with sweet ass moves.”   

At press time Bob McDonnell’s office was busy preparing the counterattack in response to the defeat of his bill that aimed to cut all state funds from public television and radio.  Said McDonnell, “I’ll get you next time, Sesame Street and Morning Edition!   Next time!”

Governor Bob McDonnell to Hot Tub Time Machine Virginia to 1861

Barista and The Lone Wolf in 1861

RICHMOND, VA-Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced plans to transport every single Virginia resident back to 1861, the year Virginia seceded from the Union to form the Confederate States of America.  

The Governor reached his decision after watching the popular Hot Tub Time Machine, a movie about a group of friends who become intoxicated in a hot tub and wake up in the morning to find themselves in the year 1986.  “If John Cusack can travel to 1986 then I see no reason why every citizen of the Commonwealth of Virginia can not be transported to 1861”, he declared from the steps of the Capitol earlier today. “1861 was the most wonderful year in the history of our great state when the leading cause of death among women was childbirth and people made their own soap”.  “Oh, and slavery was still legal, too” he added. 

Despite Ken Cuccinelli’s efforts to, “leave the gays in 2010”, the Governor assured Virginia’s gay community that there were also, “in it to win it” since homosexuality did not exist in 1861.

Bob McDonnell Proclaims April Confederate History Month. Nation Issues Collective, “Wha?”

No Thanks

RICHMOND, VA-Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell stunned the nation once again when he proclaimed April  Confederate History Month earlier today.  Ironically the Governor’s proclamation makes no mention of slavery which, when you think about it, makes absolutely zero fucking sense whatsoever. 

When local African American community leaders were asked for their reaction they issued a statement saying the Civil War was, “kind of about owning black people, so no, we’re not cool with it”.  They also asked if the Governor had, “some sort of reminder on his Outlook to do one batshit crazy thing per month” and warned the women of the Commonwealth to, “watch their backs because they’re totally getting it next.”

Those in McDonnell’s office said they were working on declaring other months to increase tourism to the state including, “Isn’t It Funny When Old White Men Say What You Can Do With Your Vagay May”, “Have you Hugged a Nazi Today June” and “Remember When We Sent Japanese People to Internment Camps- Oh Yeah That’s Right We Don’t Really Talk About That-Well Maybe We Should Do That Again July”. 

Cuccinelli: Ricky Martin is not gay!

Ricky Martin, "definitely not gay in the state of Virginia."

Virginia’s Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli filed a lawsuit earlier this morning in the United States District Court in Richmond asserting that Ricky Martin is not gay on the basis that his hit song “She Bangs” clearly states otherwise.  He further posited that to state you are gay after swaying your hips suggestively at the MTV Movie awards is unconstitutional.  Cuccinelli based most of his lawsuit on the part of the song when Martin sings:  

 

And she bangs, she bangs.
Oh, baby.
When she moves, she moves
I go crazy.
‘Cause she looks like a flower but she stings
like a bee.
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs.

Earlier this year Virginia’s General Assembly passed a law stating that anyone in the American Top 40 Pop Charts was “not allowed” to be gay and if said singer stated they were, “they would not be recognized as such in the Commonwealth of Virginia”. 

Republican Governor Bob McDonnell attempted to quell the controversy several days later by issuing a statement saying if Top 40 Pop stars are gay, he would allow their catchy hits to play on Virginia’s airwaves, but he would “most definitely” change stations if one came on his way to work.

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