Guns don’t kill people?

Caution: Really Bad Seafood Ahead!

Well folks, the CD has another nominee for Café Darkness Man of the Year.  If you recall previous nominees include Delegate Harvey B. Morgan, the 79-year-old Republican Delegate from Gloucester County who proposed a measure decriminalizing marijuana when deemed medically effective.  Our second nomination went to the uppity Subway employee who put Mr. B in his place when he coped a ‘tude ordering that nasty tuna sub.  Proper sandwich ordering is art form lost of many.  Ahem.  

Our third and newest nominee for Man of the Year is another legislator.  God I love politicians with their egos and God-complexes and inability to get away with affairs!  Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you Virginia State Senator Emmett Hanger, a Republican from Mount Solon?!?!  Ah, what’s that? Who’s Emmett Hanger? Where’s Mount Solon? Well I don’t know the answer to the second question but to answer to your first this guy right here sponsored the measure allowing guns to be brought into restaurants and bars.  I mean! He doesn’t give a fuck!  The bill passed in both houses and will surely be signed into law by Governor Bill McDonnell. Unless he’s too busy making children cry, but I digress.  Ba-da-bing!  I’ll be here all week! 

Anywhoos, what makes Emmett Hanger up for the running is not solely because he proposed legislation that is clearly the most ridiculous law I can think of, but the brilliant oratory he used to convince fellow legislators to pass the measure.  Apparently Mr. Hanger is concerned for the ladies.  And who isn’t, honestly?  He’s concerned about women who carry guns in their purses to defend themselves when going out to-wait for it-Red Lobster.  Oh. My. God.  You are a motherfucking badass.  I’m not sure what Red Lobster Emmett Hanger’s female constituents are patronizing but I for one could not agree more.  Clearly we need to all pack heat at The Lobster.  It’s brilliant, really.  Now if I ever find myself eating at a Red Lobster I can simply reach into my handbag and blow my god damn brains out. Thanks, Mr. Hanger for making that possible. Cheers and pass those cheddar biscuits!


Local Subway Employee Gets Uppity

What A Tuna Sandwich Should Look Like

Mr. Barista’s latest food obsession is a foot-long tuna sub with black olives, banana peppers and oil and vinegar from any Subway establishment.  How Mr. Barista is able to choke down this concoction without having fire water run out of his ass is a mystery wrapped in a riddle too difficult for this journalist to solve.

During yesterday’s Subway visit Mr. Barista decided to modify his shitastic sandwich (which this journalist will never order for him again!  the shame of it!) by moving to the new flat bread, in a foot-long portion.  Jeff the Subway Sandwich Artist prepared an ewww are you for serious tuna delight for Mr. Barista.  Mr. B noticed that the sandwich appeared to be missing six inches of holy shit that’s gross man tuna.   Jeff calmly explained that Mr. B wanted a flat bread sandwich which only comes in one size like didn’t you see the picture, dude?

Mr. Barista confirmed that he did see the picture, but the corresponding sign says choose your size thereby leading him to believe in the possibility of the foot-long flat bread sandwich.  Mr. Barista asked Jeff to prepare him a second omg I wouldn’t feed that to the neighbor’s dog tuna sandwich.

Jeff complied and crafted another my eyes are stinging flat bread tuna sandwich.  He then asked Mr. Barista if he would enjoy a combo, which commonly consists of a fountain beverage and a choice of side including a healthy side like preserved apples.  Mr. Barista eagerly agreed to the combo to wash down the flavor of the cat litter tuna.

Jeff charged Mr. Barista for two combo meals.  Mr. Barista finally lost his patience and asked Jeff what was wrong with him?  Did he see two people or just one? 

Jeff also lost his patience and then as any good man would, got uppity.  He lectured Mr. Barista for serveral minutes that the word combo is both singular and plural and that he meant it in the plural sense as Mr. Barista ordered two sandwiches because for the love of Pete there is NO such thing as a foot-long flatbread sandwich!  

After a tense moment, Jeff, being a professional sandwich artist, refunded Mr.  Barista for the unnecessary combo meal.

Mr. Barista, sulking, proceeded to glare at a fat kid for staring at his iTouch as he played black jack and ate his putrid lunch.

Cafe Darkness Man of the Year!

Will not be Man of the Year. Trust.

Yesterday I nominated Delegate Harvey B. Morgan for the Café Darkness Man of the Year Award.  Sometimes we here at the CD can be hard on the less fair sex. It’s not easy getting paid more for the same job, not bearing children and running most major corporations and governments.  Global domination is hard work and we respect that!  As such, throughout the year we will be on the lookout for men who are making their momma’s proud and giving them props where props are due.  What are the qualifications for nomination, you wonder?  Well, I’m so glad you asked.  Check it:

1-Badassery.  Yes, I made that word up-what of it? My small brain and need to fill my womb with a trillion babies allows me to do that, no?  Harvey B. Morgan attempting to decriminalize marijuana is totally and completely 100% badass.  Other potential badass actions include, but are not limited to: turning water into wine (thank ya Jesus!), saving a litter of puppies from an oncoming train, being Gene Cox and time traveling capabilities. 

2-Not having a vajajay.  Those with periods need not apply!  I’ve got no time for your crazy, now make me dinner.   

3-A sense of style.  Ronnie says it best, “Your bank account can be low, but you always gotta look good-always have to get a new haircut, always gotta wear new sneakers, always gotta look fresh”.  Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.  T Saur has this down to a “T”-pun intended-and so should you.  Do you think George Washington left the house without his jaunty tri-cornered hat and wooden teeth? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous.

4-Not being a douche.  I’ve got no time for no account fools.  You know who you are but lest we forget who this includes, here’s the short list: Ed Hardy, Osama bin Laden, Tucker Max, Dane Cook, Spencer Pratt, Gingers, Thomas Kinkade, anyone wearing lobster pants, in-betweens, Nicholas Sparks, Dick Cheney and last but not least, Dr. Phil.

5-Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  We are concerned about our carbon footprint and recycle on the regs.  As such, Man of the Year will be relegated to locally grown men.  I think the RVA and surrounding localities have enough of the good stuff to bring it.  Plus also, Canadians would totally win but they real talk funny.

So there you have it, men of RVA.  Put on your poker face and show us your disco stick (but not really, that would be a bit much)  Note: we can and will be bribed with woos woos and red wine.  Cheers!