Well folks, the CD has another nominee for Café Darkness Man of the Year. If you recall previous nominees include Delegate Harvey B. Morgan, the 79-year-old Republican Delegate from Gloucester County who proposed a measure decriminalizing marijuana when deemed medically effective. Our second nomination went to the uppity Subway employee who put Mr. B in his place when he coped a ‘tude ordering that nasty tuna sub. Proper sandwich ordering is art form lost of many. Ahem.
Our third and newest nominee for Man of the Year is another legislator. God I love politicians with their egos and God-complexes and inability to get away with affairs! Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you Virginia State Senator Emmett Hanger, a Republican from Mount Solon?!?! Ah, what’s that? Who’s Emmett Hanger? Where’s Mount Solon? Well I don’t know the answer to the second question but to answer to your first this guy right here sponsored the measure allowing guns to be brought into restaurants and bars. I mean! He doesn’t give a fuck! The bill passed in both houses and will surely be signed into law by Governor Bill McDonnell. Unless he’s too busy making children cry, but I digress. Ba-da-bing! I’ll be here all week!
Anywhoos, what makes Emmett Hanger up for the running is not solely because he proposed legislation that is clearly the most ridiculous law I can think of, but the brilliant oratory he used to convince fellow legislators to pass the measure. Apparently Mr. Hanger is concerned for the ladies. And who isn’t, honestly? He’s concerned about women who carry guns in their purses to defend themselves when going out to-wait for it-Red Lobster. Oh. My. God. You are a motherfucking badass. I’m not sure what Red Lobster Emmett Hanger’s female constituents are patronizing but I for one could not agree more. Clearly we need to all pack heat at The Lobster. It’s brilliant, really. Now if I ever find myself eating at a Red Lobster I can simply reach into my handbag and blow my god damn brains out. Thanks, Mr. Hanger for making that possible. Cheers and pass those cheddar biscuits!
Mr. Barista’s latest food obsession is a foot-long tuna sub with black olives, banana peppers and oil and vinegar from any Subway establishment. How Mr. Barista is able to choke down this concoction without having fire water run out of his ass is a mystery wrapped in a riddle too difficult for this journalist to solve.
During yesterday’s Subway visit Mr. Barista decided to modify his shitastic sandwich (which this journalist will never order for him again! the shame of it!) by moving to the new flat bread, in a foot-long portion. Jeff the Subway Sandwich Artist prepared an ewww are you for serious tuna delight for Mr. Barista. Mr. B noticed that the sandwich appeared to be missing six inches of holy shit that’s gross man tuna. Jeff calmly explained that Mr. B wanted a flat bread sandwich which only comes in one size like didn’t you see the picture, dude?
Mr. Barista confirmed that he did see the picture, but the corresponding sign says choose your size thereby leading him to believe in the possibility of the foot-long flat bread sandwich. Mr. Barista asked Jeff to prepare him a second omg I wouldn’t feed that to the neighbor’s dog tuna sandwich.
Jeff complied and crafted another my eyes are stinging flat bread tuna sandwich. He then asked Mr. Barista if he would enjoy a combo, which commonly consists of a fountain beverage and a choice of side including a healthy side like preserved apples. Mr. Barista eagerly agreed to the combo to wash down the flavor of the cat litter tuna.
Jeff charged Mr. Barista for two combo meals. Mr. Barista finally lost his patience and asked Jeff what was wrong with him? Did he see two people or just one?
Jeff also lost his patience and then as any good man would, got uppity. He lectured Mr. Barista for serveral minutes that the word combo is both singular and plural and that he meant it in the plural sense as Mr. Barista ordered two sandwiches because for the love of Pete there is NO such thing as a foot-long flatbread sandwich!
After a tense moment, Jeff, being a professional sandwich artist, refunded Mr. Barista for the unnecessary combo meal.
Mr. Barista, sulking, proceeded to glare at a fat kid for staring at his iTouch as he played black jack and ate his putrid lunch.
I have some pretty kooky political beliefs. I think gay people have the same right to be miserable and married as straight people. I also believe in the crazy notion that healthcare should be available to all Americans-not the rich whities. I know, right?! Finally, I think marijuana should be legalized and taxed to high heaven. Use that scratch to help bailout some more banks and pay more executive bonuses reduce debt. Pure genius!
You can imagine my surprise and delight when I recently learned of proposed legislation by the Republican (!) Delegate from Gloucester County decriminalizing marijuana and allowing its use when deemed medically effective. Possession of wacky tobaccey would be considered a civil offense punishable by a $500.00 fine. Delegate Harvey B. Morgan looks like the grandpa I never had and has a voice sweet as honey. He makes the point which should go without saying but I guess people really are this stupid that criminalizing the drug does not curb its use. Obviously.
I am under no illusion that this legislation has any chance of passing in this backward ass state but the fact that a 79 year oldRepublican from Gloucester proposed it makes Mr. Morgan 100% badass and automatically up for the Café Darkness Man of the Year Award. (Other nominations will be selected throughout the year as badassery unfolds). Fist pumps and apple sauce to Harvey B. Morgan!