Mostly Maui Wowie

So what if I’m one of the few people at work today?  I’m out of here in an hour and this conversation with a former employee  has been the highlight of my work-week.  The highlight of my week outside of drooling in a cube?  Convincing TLW that the world needs more people like the gentleman who was arrested for giving road kill mouth-to-mouth.

Stoney Maroni:  Hey…I need a letter of coverage….

Me:  You need a certificate of credible coverage.  Here’s where you can get that blah blah blah

Stoney Maroni:  So I need to certify myself?

Me:  You need to ask for a certificate of credible coverage.  (Sensing that this made no sense to Stoney Maroni, I offer to email her exactly what she wants and how to go about obtaining said letter)

Stoney Maroni:  Naw, I don’t need an email.  I’ll get certifiable courage.

Me:  Ha!

Stoney Maroni:  he..he..hehe…I’m really high.

Me:  That’s awesome.  

Stoney Maroni:  I know.

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You

how it should have gone down

 

Overheard, in a very crowded elevator:   

Lady MacDrunk:  I totally got pulled over after that party last night.  I was hammered.  Thank God my husband is a deputy.  I asked the cop if he knows him and he let me go home.   

The silence that followed was impressive.  It takes quiet a bit to offend this gal, but Lady MacDrunk succeeded.

Don’t you worry about what I’m doin’

Also wears Lily Pulitzer clothing.

Last night was neat-o. St. Patrick’s Day always tends to bring out the crazy and 2010 proved to be no exception. Below is just a random sampling of conversations that occurred in and around  RVA last night:

Technically this was at work but it’s great nonetheless. Words of wisdom from T Saur: living legend:

Him: The waitress there was hard to understand. She didn’t speak real well English.

Me: Do. Not. Move. I need to grab a pen and paper right quick.

Overheard whilst smoking like a lady outside:

Guy 1: So what the fuck happened last Saturday?

Guy 2: Dude. No idea. All I know is I bucked a 12 pack of Bud Light, drank a shit ton of whiskey, a few lines of blow and bam!  6 hours later I was in Atlantic City.

Guy Friend to yours truly:

Friend: Yeah, she didn’t like you at all.

Me: Obvi. She was killing me with her crazy eyes. 

Friend: She called you a crazy, stupid bitch.

Me: Solid. 

Friend: and white trash.

Me: You know, I object to the stupid and white trash part.

Friend: Right. I told her you went to private school. It’s all good.

From a lovely gentlemen in super tight green lobster pants:

Guy: Girls with tattoos are gross.

Me: I couldn’t agree more. So, so gross!

Guy: I mean no mother of my future children is going to have some nasty design on her.

Me: Absolutely!

Guy: Plus when I’m hitting it from the back I don’t want to see that shit.

Guy: Oh, I mean, that one’s okay I guess. (pointing to one of mine)

Me: You’re such a d-bag. 

From a different, but still lovely, gentlemen:

Me: I have sworn off the sexy for an undetermined amount of time and couldn’t be happier about it.

Him: You must be married.

Me:  Nope. Totally single and this a choice. I love it!

Him: Well you could just go and get married and never get laid. 

Me: I tried that once. It didn’t end well.

Let’s Get Physical

Mommy says she'll love me again if I win

Never one to shy away from controversy, I thoroughly enjoyed this exchange over the weekend.  The scene is a very nice wine bar, filled to the brim with proper ladies and buttery Chardonnay.

Old Friend:  How are your babies?

Barista:  They are so adorable!  Squish!  I just love them.

Old Friend:  Aww.

Barista:  Yup.  They’re fabulous.  They both managed to lose 2 pounds since January.

Old Friend:  Wow.  That’s a lot, right?

Barista:  Yes!  They were up 20 pounds each, so I had to do something.  Summertime will be here before we know it.

Old Friend:  How did you do it?

Barista:  I’m pretty much only feeding them green beans.  Just watching their calories.  I make them play outside more often too since the snow is gone.  They’re looking so good.

Angry Mother:  Excuse me.  I wasn’t going to say anything but I can’t bite my tongue any longer.  What kind of a woman puts her babies on a diet? 

Barista:  Duh, me I guess.

Angry Mother:  Your child is supposed to weigh 20 pounds!  What is wrong with you?  Do you know you could really jeopardize her health?  Someone should report you.

Old Friend:  You do realize she was talking about—

Barista:  I’ve got this Old Friend.  So tell me Angry Mother, what’s the best way to get your children in shape for bikini season?  

Angry Mother:  You are disturbing.   

Barista:  Says you.

Angry Mother:  Ugh!  Women like you are–

Barista:  Responsible dog owners?

Angry Mother:  What?  Oh my.  You weren’t talking about children?

Barista:  Nope.

How to Win Friends and Influence and Dominate on Your Terms

Him:  Can my manager find out how much money I make?

Me:  Are you asking me if your manager knows your salary?

Him:  Yes.  Can she see that?

Me:  Yes.  She knows what she is paying you. 

Him:   Does she need permission to see that?

Me:  No.  Why?

Him:  Because I don’t want her to know what I’m making.

Me:   ………

Him:  It’s none of her business.

Me:  ……….

Same guy, later the same day:

Him:  I’m going to be late tomorrow since I have that meeting tonight.

Manager:  What meeting?

Him:  The one that’s about an hour away with so and so.

Manager:  What’s the purpose of the meeting?  Did I ask you to meet with them?

Him:  No.  I set up the meeting about two months ago so that I can tell them about my new job here.

Manager:  What new job?

Him:  I do new stuff here.  I started changing my job about two months ago.

Manager:  I have no idea what you are talking about.  Your job has not changed.

Him:  Yes it did.  I changed it.  I’m really good at what I do now.  And I’m going to need a company car here soon.  I’ll talk to finance and let you know what they say.

Manager:   Oh.

Moral of the story?  This guy has serious CEO potential.

Thanks for Calling

A most bizarre exchange….

Caller:  Yes, hello?  Is this Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes sir.

Caller:  I need to verify the National Latino Organization.

Me:  Uh?  And how can I help you with that?

Caller:  Yes, are you Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes.  What can I do for you sir?

Caller:  I need to verify an application.

Me:  Do you need to verify someone’s employment with us?

Caller:  I need credit. 

Me:  Interesting.

Caller:  Can you verify the Negro Women’s National Council?

Me:  Not without Googling it. 

Caller:  I give you a name.  Naimmeateyelllawayf.

Me:  Can you spell that please?

Caller:  N-A-A-I-A-Leigh spelled like a girl not a boy-Y-A-X-for you want what else-W-O-I-T

Me:  You want me to tell you if this individual did or did not work here?  Can I ask which organization you are representing?

Caller:  National Women Negros.

Me:  (not bothering to check) Yes, I do not have anyone by that name.

Caller:  Are you on my application?

Me:  No.

Caller:  But is says here National Negros or Latino Women have an organization and the phone number is 202-8159-

Me:  I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number.

Caller:  But I don’t want to have a wrong number.  I need credit.

Me:  Sometimes your job is your credit.

Caller:  Yes, yes.  May I speak to the company of your name?

Me:  Okay.  I’ll transfer you to myself.  I’m ready.  You may speak.

Caller:  This is all on the application she sent me with two phone numbers for Women of Nations.

Me:   I must carry on living my life now.  Thanks for calling.

Caller:  Credit.

Exactly as the Founding Fathers Intended

Give Me Foolishness

“We should be free to eat Big Macs® and smoke cigarettes on our way to have abortions.  This is America, dammit”.

“Mother, do you think this is appropriate conversation for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes I do.  I’m sick of people deciding what’s good for other people.  Let the idiots be idiots in peace”.

Spoken by an old woman in reference to healthcare reform.  She brought a tear to my eye.