Archive for the ‘overheard’ Category

Mostly Maui Wowie

So what if I’m one of the few people at work today?  I’m out of here in an hour and this conversation with a former employee  has been the highlight of my work-week.  The highlight of my week outside of drooling in a cube?  Convincing TLW that the world needs more people like the gentleman who was arrested for giving road kill mouth-to-mouth.

Stoney Maroni:  Hey…I need a letter of coverage….

Me:  You need a certificate of credible coverage.  Here’s where you can get that blah blah blah

Stoney Maroni:  So I need to certify myself?

Me:  You need to ask for a certificate of credible coverage.  (Sensing that this made no sense to Stoney Maroni, I offer to email her exactly what she wants and how to go about obtaining said letter)

Stoney Maroni:  Naw, I don’t need an email.  I’ll get certifiable courage.

Me:  Ha!

Stoney Maroni:  he..he..hehe…I’m really high.

Me:  That’s awesome.  

Stoney Maroni:  I know.

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You

how it should have gone down

 

Overheard, in a very crowded elevator:   

Lady MacDrunk:  I totally got pulled over after that party last night.  I was hammered.  Thank God my husband is a deputy.  I asked the cop if he knows him and he let me go home.   

The silence that followed was impressive.  It takes quiet a bit to offend this gal, but Lady MacDrunk succeeded.

Don’t you worry about what I’m doin’

Also wears Lily Pulitzer clothing.

Last night was neat-o. St. Patrick’s Day always tends to bring out the crazy and 2010 proved to be no exception. Below is just a random sampling of conversations that occurred in and around  RVA last night:

Technically this was at work but it’s great nonetheless. Words of wisdom from T Saur: living legend:

Him: The waitress there was hard to understand. She didn’t speak real well English.

Me: Do. Not. Move. I need to grab a pen and paper right quick.

Overheard whilst smoking like a lady outside:

Guy 1: So what the fuck happened last Saturday?

Guy 2: Dude. No idea. All I know is I bucked a 12 pack of Bud Light, drank a shit ton of whiskey, a few lines of blow and bam!  6 hours later I was in Atlantic City.

Guy Friend to yours truly:

Friend: Yeah, she didn’t like you at all.

Me: Obvi. She was killing me with her crazy eyes. 

Friend: She called you a crazy, stupid bitch.

Me: Solid. 

Friend: and white trash.

Me: You know, I object to the stupid and white trash part.

Friend: Right. I told her you went to private school. It’s all good.

From a lovely gentlemen in super tight green lobster pants:

Guy: Girls with tattoos are gross.

Me: I couldn’t agree more. So, so gross!

Guy: I mean no mother of my future children is going to have some nasty design on her.

Me: Absolutely!

Guy: Plus when I’m hitting it from the back I don’t want to see that shit.

Guy: Oh, I mean, that one’s okay I guess. (pointing to one of mine)

Me: You’re such a d-bag. 

From a different, but still lovely, gentlemen:

Me: I have sworn off the sexy for an undetermined amount of time and couldn’t be happier about it.

Him: You must be married.

Me:  Nope. Totally single and this a choice. I love it!

Him: Well you could just go and get married and never get laid. 

Me: I tried that once. It didn’t end well.

Let’s Get Physical

Mommy says she'll love me again if I win

Never one to shy away from controversy, I thoroughly enjoyed this exchange over the weekend.  The scene is a very nice wine bar, filled to the brim with proper ladies and buttery Chardonnay.

Old Friend:  How are your babies?

Barista:  They are so adorable!  Squish!  I just love them.

Old Friend:  Aww.

Barista:  Yup.  They’re fabulous.  They both managed to lose 2 pounds since January.

Old Friend:  Wow.  That’s a lot, right?

Barista:  Yes!  They were up 20 pounds each, so I had to do something.  Summertime will be here before we know it.

Old Friend:  How did you do it?

Barista:  I’m pretty much only feeding them green beans.  Just watching their calories.  I make them play outside more often too since the snow is gone.  They’re looking so good.

Angry Mother:  Excuse me.  I wasn’t going to say anything but I can’t bite my tongue any longer.  What kind of a woman puts her babies on a diet? 

Barista:  Duh, me I guess.

Angry Mother:  Your child is supposed to weigh 20 pounds!  What is wrong with you?  Do you know you could really jeopardize her health?  Someone should report you.

Old Friend:  You do realize she was talking about—

Barista:  I’ve got this Old Friend.  So tell me Angry Mother, what’s the best way to get your children in shape for bikini season?  

Angry Mother:  You are disturbing.   

Barista:  Says you.

Angry Mother:  Ugh!  Women like you are–

Barista:  Responsible dog owners?

Angry Mother:  What?  Oh my.  You weren’t talking about children?

Barista:  Nope.

How to Win Friends and Influence and Dominate on Your Terms

Him:  Can my manager find out how much money I make?

Me:  Are you asking me if your manager knows your salary?

Him:  Yes.  Can she see that?

Me:  Yes.  She knows what she is paying you. 

Him:   Does she need permission to see that?

Me:  No.  Why?

Him:  Because I don’t want her to know what I’m making.

Me:   ………

Him:  It’s none of her business.

Me:  ……….

Same guy, later the same day:

Him:  I’m going to be late tomorrow since I have that meeting tonight.

Manager:  What meeting?

Him:  The one that’s about an hour away with so and so.

Manager:  What’s the purpose of the meeting?  Did I ask you to meet with them?

Him:  No.  I set up the meeting about two months ago so that I can tell them about my new job here.

Manager:  What new job?

Him:  I do new stuff here.  I started changing my job about two months ago.

Manager:  I have no idea what you are talking about.  Your job has not changed.

Him:  Yes it did.  I changed it.  I’m really good at what I do now.  And I’m going to need a company car here soon.  I’ll talk to finance and let you know what they say.

Manager:   Oh.

Moral of the story?  This guy has serious CEO potential.

Thanks for Calling

A most bizarre exchange….

Caller:  Yes, hello?  Is this Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes sir.

Caller:  I need to verify the National Latino Organization.

Me:  Uh?  And how can I help you with that?

Caller:  Yes, are you Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes.  What can I do for you sir?

Caller:  I need to verify an application.

Me:  Do you need to verify someone’s employment with us?

Caller:  I need credit. 

Me:  Interesting.

Caller:  Can you verify the Negro Women’s National Council?

Me:  Not without Googling it. 

Caller:  I give you a name.  Naimmeateyelllawayf.

Me:  Can you spell that please?

Caller:  N-A-A-I-A-Leigh spelled like a girl not a boy-Y-A-X-for you want what else-W-O-I-T

Me:  You want me to tell you if this individual did or did not work here?  Can I ask which organization you are representing?

Caller:  National Women Negros.

Me:  (not bothering to check) Yes, I do not have anyone by that name.

Caller:  Are you on my application?

Me:  No.

Caller:  But is says here National Negros or Latino Women have an organization and the phone number is 202-8159-

Me:  I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number.

Caller:  But I don’t want to have a wrong number.  I need credit.

Me:  Sometimes your job is your credit.

Caller:  Yes, yes.  May I speak to the company of your name?

Me:  Okay.  I’ll transfer you to myself.  I’m ready.  You may speak.

Caller:  This is all on the application she sent me with two phone numbers for Women of Nations.

Me:   I must carry on living my life now.  Thanks for calling.

Caller:  Credit.

Exactly as the Founding Fathers Intended

Give Me Foolishness

“We should be free to eat Big Macs® and smoke cigarettes on our way to have abortions.  This is America, dammit”.

“Mother, do you think this is appropriate conversation for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes I do.  I’m sick of people deciding what’s good for other people.  Let the idiots be idiots in peace”.

Spoken by an old woman in reference to healthcare reform.  She brought a tear to my eye.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Concerned Coworker:  What’s up with your boyfriend?  I haven’t heard you talk about him in a while.

Amorous Lady:  Oh, I’m not allowed to call him anymore.

Concerned Coworker:  Why?  Did you break up?

Amorous Lady:  Well, not really.  I was told I had to stop calling him my sexy boyfriend.  I’m not supposed to talk to him again.

Concerned Coworker:  Huh?  I thought you guys had been dating for a few months.

Amorous Lady:  Right, I wanted to go out with him – that’s why I told him he is my sexy boyfriend and that I’m his girlfriend and that he couldn’t see other people.  Some woman in HR told me I’m not allowed to call him that anymore and that I have to stay away.  How stupid is that?

Concerned Coworker:  Okay….that’s..uh…wow.

Amourous Lady:  I hate Human Resources.  They always pick on me. 

Editor’s Note – I am so excited that I found Amorous Lady!  I have such high hopes that she will be as entertaining as Barefoot Coworker.  I think I kind of miss Barefoot since she left to pursue her scrapbooking dreams.

Best pickup line ever

Said to my coworker outside of Steal Your Soul,  Inc:  “Dayum, girl.  You sure are wearin’ them shoes!”

I’m not sure what that even means, but I love it.  I would have given that gentleman my number in a hot second.

P.F. Chang’s for President!

Overheard at a Chinese restaurant on Saturday:

Girl:  I don’t really know what I want.  What’s in a wonton?

Boy:  Oh you’ll like it.  Everything here is just the Asian version of American food.

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