Archive for the ‘rtd’ Category

Local Christmas Gift Exchange Gets Motherfucking Zany as Fuck

Soothing!

RICHMOND,VA-At approximately 1:15 pm Steal Your Soul, Inc.’s company Christmas gift exchange got incredibly motherfucking zany due to the introduction of a HoMedics “Envirascape” Rock Garden and Relation Fountain.  Said fountain promises to create, “the perfect illusion of serenity, strategically combined river rocks, the glowing essence of internal light” and a “stream of pure flowing water”.  The special effects lights will, “create a soft reflection of the water flow” and I’m going to completely lose my mind if I have to work here one more god damn day. 

The gift exchange, which was “Dirty Santa” in nature, allows participants to either select an unopened gift or “steal” an already opened gift and sweet Baby Jesus, please let me get a new job. 

The original fountain owner, Regional Sales Manager Dan Watson, who more than likely has a penchant for weird Japanense porn, was delighted by the fountain’s natural slate design and was assured it would be a serene addition to any room.  That dumb bitch Accounts Receivable clerk Pauline Gilbert was the first to steal the gift because the water flow replicated the sight and sounds of a tranquil waterfall.  Communications Specialist Brenda Smith and all around office cunt, was taken aback by the soft illumination of the fountain which created a more dramatic effect whereas that weird guy, who is maybe in IT but no one is really sure, wanted the fountain because it helps you relax by creating a stress free ambiance. 

At press time local blogger and fellow Steal Your Soul, Inc. employee TLW was drinking the vodka she picked and no one stole directly from her office coffee cup.

City of Richmond Announces Plans to Repave Everything Right Now

Hi

RICHMOND, VA-City officials announced plans today to simultaneously repave every single road, street and alleyway within the next upcoming weeks.  Bill Tinker, head of the Virginia Department of Transportation, says the effort to shut down every possible roadway in the City for a week or two, but maybe a bit longer depending on a bunch of stuff, has been “a long time coming” and hoped the City residents would understand the “slight annoyance” to their normal routine in the next few weeks.  “We started off repaving just 80% of the roads in the beginning of November”, he told reporters earlier today, “just to see how everyone could handle it”.  Reports show that while there has been a significant increase in thrown clots amongst city drivers, the number of times the average driver screamed, “Fuck this fucking shit!” and “Mother fucking roadwork can suck my d!”, only moderately increased. 

At press time City residents were unable to run even simplest of errands including, but not limited to: dropping off their dry cleaning in time for their sister’s wedding, taking their dogs to get groomed to look extra fancy for their Christmas card photo and picking up a cheap bottle of Pinot after a long day at the office. 

When asked why the City would decide to cut off every single artery into and out of the capital of Commonwealth essentially making life unbearable for the idiots dumb enough to work and live in this god damn town, Tinker just stared blankly at reporters and asked them  if they would like a stick of Juicy Fruit.

America’s Liberals Issue Resounding, “Shiiiiit!”

Crap.

AMERICA-Liberals across the nation issued a collective, “Fuuuuuuuck” upon waking up this morning to the 2010 midterm election results. Although not unexpected, the GOP takeover of at least 60 seats in the House of Representatives, the majority of Governorships and numerous Senate seats, forced many liberal Americans to wonder what the hell was going on with this country and question America’s short-term memory as clearly anyone with half a brain cell would realize two years isn’t nearly long enough to fix eight years worth of mistakes. “Right?” they asked NPR on their morning commute.  “Did you hear that jackass saying Republicans were tired of big government bailouts?” they wondered. “TARP was passed under the Bush Administration! How come no one knows that?!” “Shit!” they added. “And don’t even get us started on [California’s] Prop 19.”

Further infuriating the nation’s left-leaning population were the “truly fucking unbelievable” victories of several Tea Party members including Rand Paul in Kentucky and Marco Rubio in Florida.  “Do Tea Partiers even know what the Constitution is?”, they asked as they parked their car at their respective work places. “No. They don’t. Morons.”

The fact that the final make-up of the Senate will include no African-Americans did not go unnoticed who questioned the direction this country is heading whilst taking the elevator.  “God damn, it!” they added as they poured themselves a cup of coffee in the company break room. 

At press time 80% of liberal Americans were reading Huffington Post and contemplating a move to Canada.  The remaining 20% were lovingly glancing at their pictures from the Rally for Sanity they attended last Saturday and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. 

Richmonders Don’t Signal, Recent Study Finds

What Does This Mean?

RICHMOND, VA-Researchers announced shocking findings earlier today.  The study, conducted over five years, included every single Richmond resident with or without a valid driver’s license but who has operated a vehicle at some point in their lives.  It conclusively proved Richmonders are incapable of using the turning signal of their cars an astounding 89% of the time.  Furthermore, the study showed the location of the driver had zero impact on whether the turning signal would be used.  “Whether the driver is speeding down 64 West to pick up their kids in time for soccer practice, stopping short to parallel park in a ‘surprise’ spot near Buddy’s to catch the tail end of happy hour or cutting over three lanes of traffic on West Broad Street to get into the double left hand turning lane into Short Pump Town Center, 89% of the time Richmonders will not use their turning signal”, James Peterson, head researcher of the study, told reporters.  “Ever.”, he added.  Findings also showed rain, fog, darkness or any other type of driving impairment increased the refusal to signal from 89% to a shocking 92% of the time.  The remaining 11% of Richmonders who actually used that “weird thing sticking out of the left side of their steering wheel” were, in fact, drunk and more than likely were fumbling for a cigarette they dropped while turning up the volume of their music. 

At press time Mr. Peterson made a sudden and unexpected hard left into the CVS off Ellwood thus causing the car behind him to slam on his breaks and the driver to scream “Shit! Learn how to fucking drive, asshole!”, so he could pick up a quick sixer. 

Area woman sick, goes to work anyway

Awesome

RICHMOND, VA.- Short Pump Resident and working mother Cindy Adams decided to go into the office today despite the fact that she was feeling under the weather. The cold, which she caught from her toddler, was no surprise to Mrs. Adams since Jeffrey, her two year old, had been home sick for the past several days from his local daycare.  “Oh, I just knew I was going to catch what he had”, she explained to reporters earlier today in between alternatively blowing her nose and hacking up a thick mucous-like substance into a tissue, “It was just a matter of time.” 

When asked why she would go into work when she was clearly sick, thus risking of infecting her innocent child-free coworkers she explained she had taken off the past two days to care for her sick son and now that he was feeling better it was time to get back to work.  “I don’t want to have to dip into my vacation time and with Christmas right around the corner I want to be able to spend as much time with Jeffrey as possible.”  “Also, I honestly don’t care who I get sick as long as precious Jeffrey is feeling better and is able to lick the floor at daycare all day,” she added.

When asked what she talked or thought about before having a child, Mrs. Adams stared blankly at reporters and asked them to repeat the question.  At press time, Mrs. Adams was taking a break from uploading pictures of Jeffrey to her Facebook account and was sneezing profusely without covering her mouth whilst pouring a cup of coffee in the company break room.

Runners Deemed Most Irritating People in the City

Super Duper Annoying

RICHMOND, VA-A recent study funded by the City of Richmond named runners the most annoying group in the Greater Richmond Metro Region.  The study, conducted over a twelve month period, looked at several groups to determine who was the most grating to the overall population.  Hipsters, Ed Hardy douche bags, West End jerk offs and Mommy bloggers were all examined.  “Heading into the study we assumed either hipsters or Mommy bloggers would be the most annoying, however it became clear early on that runners were indisputably the most nausea-inducing group”, head researcher Dr. John L. Pinkerton told reporters yesterday.  “Yes, incessantly talking about your vinyl record collection and your child’s pooping schedule does make one want to take a shotgun blast to the face, but discussing training regimes, upcoming races and how to properly fuel during a long run is enough to make one perform their own lobotomy with a dull butter knife.”  “Lord Jesus, nobody cares,” he added.  Other irritating characteristics include running in the middle in the god damn street when there’s a perfectly acceptable sidewalk, a sense of overall moral superiority and those “idiotic” 26.2 bumper stickers.

Richmond Weather Obsessed New Study Reports

The Weather

RICHMOND, VA-Increased chatter about the weather reached an all time high this summer and experts warn weather-related conversations will only increase in frequency as Hurricane Earl makes landfall.  John Smith of the Pew Institute released his startling findings earlier this week.  “There is a clear and direct correlation between living in Richmond and talking about the weather.  The amount of time Richmonders spend discussing past, current and future weather conditions is astounding”, he told reporters earlier today.  His report warns that those who do not want to discuss the weather should evacuate Richmond immediately in anticipation of Hurricane Earl.  “The fact that this storm will have little to no impact on Central Virginia does not matter to Richmond residents who will more than likely cancel all Labor Day vacation plans in order to immediately start driving like assholes and crowd local grocery stores to stock up on unnecessary nonperishable goods”.  At press time Mr. Smith had fled the area for the less weather centric town of Arlington.

Group Dinner Ends in Disaster

Hallowed.

RICHMOND, VA-A dinner ended in disaster on Saturday evening when a dispute over where to eat caused a deep division amongst a group of friends.  Although they agreed to dine around the Main and Robinson corridor, a consensus as to which particular restaurant could not be agreed upon. On the one side there were those who wanted to eat at FW Sullivan’s for their large outdoor patio seating and excellent people watching. The other group believed it was “too soon” to eat within such close proximity to The White Dog, Richmond’s beloved Fan restaurant that recently closed its doors after being open for ten years.  Jeff Smith, the most outspoken critic of eating so close to The White Dog, asked why they couldn’t go someplace, “less hallowed” such as Sticky Rice or DeLux.  Lauren Kline, a proponent of eating at FW Sullivan’s, told reporters that not wanting to eat at FW Sullivan’s simply because it’s located directly across the street from The White Dog made about as much sense as caring if an Islamic Community Center was constructed in an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory two blocks away from Ground Zero. “Plus also” she stated, “I’m in the mood for crab legs.”

Local Woman Not Alarmed By Lack of Giving a Fuck

This poster from college recently resurfaced in the woman's apartment

RICHMOND, VA. Museum District resident TLW was not alarmed in the slightest at the realization she cared about close to nothing earlier today.  “I’m not sure what’s going on”, she lackadaisically told reporters earlier today from the comfort of her bed, “but I really just don’t care about much of anything anymore”.  When questioned about her attitude toward issues ranging from ordering pizza to being broke until August 15th, she resoundingly did not give a fuck. 

Those close to the short-statured blogger verified reports about not giving a fuck and noted a marked increase in the amount of Grateful Dead and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes playing from her iPod at all times.  TLW confirmed an uptick in any and all “super chill” music.  “Nothing stressy, ya know? I’m just trying to chill the eff out.”  Friends and family also noticed a change in her appearance noting that if she’s not careful, people may start to think sells grilled cheese sandwiches at Phish shows for living.  “Whatever, dude. It’s not a big deal”, she mumbled in between eating spoonfuls of marshmallow fluff and peanut butter. 

At press time TLW was debating between taking a nap or staring out the kitchen window for a few more hours.

Local Woman Arrested For Assault

RICHMOND, VA-Local office worker TLW was arrested Friday morning for physically assaulting a coworker in her company break room. The incident occurred at approximately 9:30 and was precipitated by her coworker asking her if it was, “hot enough outside for her”.  TLW, who had just thought to herself not two seconds prior if one more of these assholes asks me if it’s hot enough outside, I’m going to completely lose it.  “It’s hot outside. I get it. Jesus. Christ.” She told reporters earlier today. 

Nine out of ten doctor’s agree that being repeatedly asked if it’s hot enough outside for them can cause a break from reality upon hearing the question, which anyone with a low IQ and nothing of any substance to say asks approximately 120-589 times per day. 

TLW pled guilty to assaulting her coworker with a plastic Tupperware container filled with yogurt and granola and threw herself on the mercy of the court at a preliminary hearing later this afternoon.  “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, your Honor.  Between being asked if I watched The Bachelorette and asking me if it was hot enough outside for me, I just completely lost control.” 

After hearing the tireless accounts of coworker’s stories about their children’s basketball games and Color Me Pretty Parties, the judge agreed that her actions were warranted and even went so far as declaring July 23rd as TLW Day, which is now a federal and state holiday.  At press time, TLW was celebrating her new holiday by drinking vats of wine and pop n locking in a nearby club.

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