Still makes me laugh every time.
Listen up, ladies of Richmond. In certain parts of the country, our reputation is well-known and widely recognized; free from the blemishes a day spent on the links at CCV or hollering at RIR could bring. In fact, I am in one of those places today. The town has a charm that can best be summed up by the local cable channel programming, which features episodes of The 700 Club followed by The Hills followed again by The 700 Club a few times a day. It kind of makes sense. I would need to call on Jesus for strength if The Hills were in syndication in Richmond.
Anywho, I went tripping merrily down the street this afternoon when an elderly woman stopped me and asked if I am from Richmond. I gave her my debutant smile (sike) and said, “why yes, I am from Richmond”! I asked the older woman how in the world she knew I was from the RVA, and no shit, she said “You’ve got that high-heeled Richmond walk. You all wear the same high heels and you have a walk. I knew you were from Richmond two blocks ago”.
She carried on across the street and was gone before I thought to offer to buy her badass a woo woo.
I spent the last few days in a town that can only be described as a very close cousin of Oakland or Compton. Like maybe the kind of cousin that happens when Mommy steps out on Daddy with Uncle Buck. It’s the kind of city that I’m sure boasts any number of quaint little coffee shops and flower markets, though I decided not to see these lest I catch one of those pesky stray bullets meant for someone else.
Anywho, I was super excited to drive into work in pretty-pretty-RVA this morning. So excited, that I rocked out to Man in Motion and imagined giving everyone high-fives all day (I’m imagining giving you a high-five right now for reading Cafe Darkness). In addition to just being an all around awesome song, it is also the theme of St. Elmo’s Fire; the famous brat pack movie about a bunch of post-grads trying to make their way in this crazy world while simultaneously figuring out how to say adios to their youth and foolish dreams.
I immediately recognized the parallels between the lives of those characters and my friends! I mean – who doesn’t? For example, I know that when my friends who have shacked up together for a few years head to splitsville, one of them is totally going to move right on in with another one of our close friends before breaking that guy’s heart too. It’s to be expected!
And doesn’t everyone have friends who like to rip a bunch of lines and call you up to tell you outrageous lies that manage to be both racist and conceited? I don’t judge those friends. Sometimes life is just too good and people have to invent problems. What else would we have to fret about if we didn’t suspect those damn Arabs of trying to fit into our skinny jeans?
And hahaha, of course everyone has had to break into a friend’s apartment with a blow torch, at least once if not more often! You know you really have a BFF for life when you two can get into a fist fight that almost kills one of you and make up all while pulling off the aforementioned breaking and entering mission. At least, that’s how I knew it was time to purchase the special heart necklace and give one half to TLW.
This was fun. I could keep drawing comparisons all day if I had ever actually seen the movie. But I have to soldier on now – only I can do what must be done!
Cafe Darkness Rips Off Presents: Real Men Of Genius
(Real Men Of Genius)
Today, we salute you, Mr. Buck-Naked-Tow-Truck-Stopper-Guy
Wearing nothing, and we mean not a stitch of clothing, you ran outside in the Fan and stopped a tow truck driver and police officer from hauling your car away
Saving money and not paying storage fees is your motto…even naked
(get off my Mazda!)
You don’t care who sees your exposed junk; your neighbors, the law, area Poodles, the UPS lady, or that one creepy dude who will work for food
(Will you watch my car for food?)
When you mean business, you mean business; no matter how big the hook or how small the ticket for not moving your car during a regularly scheduled street cleaning event
(Jesus Christ it’s only 8:02!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light. You’ve shown all of the RVA that when the towing gets tough, the tough get bare-assed.
Whoa…LOTS has happened in the world over the last few weeks, the Barista is just now learning. Spoiler alert – most of what I’m about to tell you is months old news. Stop reading now if you aren’t quite through with May 2009. Yours truly has been so busy drinking at engagement parties, bridal showers, Special TLW Divorce Day/Michael Jackson’s wake, stock the bar(or empty one) parties, bachelorette soirees, wedding receptions, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, birthday bashes…well, you get the idea. If you, dear reader, are between the ages of 24-67, you have probably had a similar summer thus far.
Anywho, I’m trapped in a hotel in Raleigh having zero fun today. Honestly, Raleigh, get it together. Stop building cookie-cutter shopping centers. Doesn’t your city have any codes that regulate the number of Best Buy stores per square mile? Best Buy faces Best Buy with a Best Buy on the corner. Best Buy rocks, yeah says Raleigh! But I digress. So I’m in this lame hotel with nothing, I repeat, nothing to do. So I watch television. Eventually I fire up the laptop. And I’m about to blow your mind with what I’ve learned.
Dating in the Dark = my new favorite show that I’ll probably never see again. This could be season 5 for all I know. It’s super awesome. People date in a pitch black room and then after they hook up and roll around on the floor in olive oil together, they get to see each other. Then the girl goes outside and waits to see if the guy joins her, which he will do if he thinks she’s pretty. You have three guess to tell me what happens next, and your first two guesses don’t count. All of these people are morons but I heart them.
People are still talking about Michael Jackson’s death. Like, on the news. Can someone please explain this to me? Just kidding, I don’t care.
There’s a show coming out called America’s Got Talent. I think it’s similar to Britain’s Got Talent, but I can’t be sure. Is this like the time a bunch of pilgrims left England, set up America and then did everything the British did but better? Hello, sweet iced tea! Who needs it bitter and hot anymore? Blimey, we love one-upping the Brits.
Sadness! Frank McCourt died almost two weeks ago. I learned of this on iTunes when I saw the ‘Remembering Frank McCourt’ banner. The world loses a phenomenal talent, a modern literary master, and I learn of it on iTunes. Tis a shame on me.
I suppose I’m almost caught up on my pop-culture, unless someone is going to tell me Angelina and Madonna married each other and adopted 19 more babies in the last few months. On second thought, spare me if this happened. I won’t care about that either.
PS – I’m a Richmonder, Get Me Out of Raleigh! Wouldn’t that make a great new reality series??? I’m so original, just like my Mom always says.
Lady Gaga + little kids = warm and fuzzies at Cafe Darkness
Barista’s horoscope for today
1. A distressful or dangerous situation is certain if you do not stop talking
2. You will have difficulty maintaining friendships unless you stop trying to get TLW and a certain well-know man-about-town to hook up
3. Efforts taken are wasteful as your outcomes are less valuable than your inputs
4. A giant malfunction will bear your name if you take a beer bong to a miniature golf course
5. Avoid Tsaur and tequila at all costs