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Cafe Darkness Does Declare 6.0

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cafe Darkness has finally revealed that roughly 7 weeks ago, TLW and Barista officially proclaimed The Year of 2011 during an irrelevant conversation where TLW was schooling Barista on the proper use of  hash tags and turn signals.   In a press conference held at Delux, Barista and TLW made a joint statement acknowledging this is the latest public announcement of any Cafe Darkness year on record saying, “Oh hi. We kind of forgot we had a blog with which we could make public announcements”. 

Prior to naming the Year of 2011, Cafe Darkness wasted 15 minutes reminding us of their cleverness dating all the way back to 2005.

“2005 – The Year of Bad Service.  Get it?  We got bad service literally every time we went out.  But the weirdest part of 2005 is that we actually had money to go out,” said Barista. 

“2006 – A Very Merry Passive-Aggressive Year.  I’m still not allowed to speak on this one, which is kind of passive aggressive, which is kind of the point,” commented TLW.

“2007 – The Year of the Cocksucker.  It’s just funny to say cocksucker,” said TLW. 

“2008 – The Year of What You Mean?  I forgot how we came up with this, but it really came in handy when TLW split up with her husband later that year,” noted Barista.

“2009 – The Year of Best Practices.  Get a divorce, start a blog, exchange pregnancy tests for tampons.  Do you.  Hash tag duh,” said TLW.  Barista chimed in with “Number sign! That makes a hash tag line, right?” 

“2010 – The Year of That’s Not My Problem.  You’ve got ninety-nine problems.  I’ve got none,” said TLW. 

After what seemed like ages, the Year of 2011 was declared as 2011 - The Year of It’s a Thing

Things that are now a thing include saying it’s a thing, Kanye West, the State of Maryland threatening to withhold Barista’s federal vendor payments even though she has no idea what the fuck that’s all about, being classified as no frills or being told to bring it back to basics, trivia, warrants and priors, train wrecks, slips and falls, home ownership,  woo woos and vodka limeaids.

I Hate Sex And The City

(Insert picture of the four gals shopping here!)
 
In honor of the upcoming  sequel to the worst movie I’ve ever had the displeasure of viewing, today’s post is dedicated to Sex And The City! Girl time! Cosmos! Jimmy Choo!

 

When you get married you tend to forget what life was really like when you were single and could do whatever you wanted without having to “check in/ask” your spouse/domestic partner/real doll.  The tendency to wax poetic about your “single years” is high. I know this because 1-I did this when I was married and 2-many of my married friends now do this to me.  I’ll resist the urge to quote Janis Joplin here because I have more respect for y’all than that. 

Anywhoos, what better television show/movie franchise to better capitalize on women’s inability to remember the past than Sex And The City?  If I had to choose the one thing that most makes me want to claw my eyes out and throw them at the television is the completely unrealistic portrayal of “being single”.  Let me tell you ladies and germs, it sure as shit isn’t gal paling around town with your three besties. First of all, this would not happen. There is one single person (me) and everyone else is married with 1-3,000,000 children, thus making grabbing a few Cosmos on a Saturday night a statistical impossibility without planning six months to a year in advance.  Plus also, Cosmos are nasty and I’m way too poor. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier now than ever.  You meet new people and have new adventures and it’s completely badass, but to all the former single ladies, let’s keep it real.  So the next time you sit down with big ole glass of chardonnay (if you call it Mommy juice my head will explode) and watch a rerun of that shitastic show, think of me, being fabulous in my thrift store outfit.  Cheers!

Wednesday Randoms on a Tuesday eve!

 Oh hai, Wednesday! What’s shakin’ you sexy bitch? I suppose if you want to get technical on my ass it’s Tuesday night, but none of you will read this until tomorrow and TLW has a dentist appointment in the AM, aight?! Enough with the pleasantries. Let’s get on to some random haps, shall we?   

   

TSaur found a new girlfriend! How does he always have a steady stream of ladies interested in dating his stank ass?  Honestly, I’m about to just throw in the towel entirely. He’s getting action on the regs and I can’t trick some guy into buying me dinner on a Friday night?  Ridic.  He went on a “fitness date” with new lady on Monday and a coworker of mine spotted him running in Forest Hill Park.  (Gross!)  True to form he dressed as a douche EVEN WHEN RUNNING, which is impressive.  Instead of regular running shoes he wears these:  

   

Oh My

   

Right.  Moving on.    

   

   

   

Too many people are down with the power of the horn these days. Unis are becoming a bit too mainstream for my tastes. It’s time to move onto a new fantastical creature.  Up for the running are:  

   

Medusa.  (Dirty slut!)   

Snakes on a head!

   

Sirens (Dudes run into rocks then they hear their sweet beats!):  

I like singing, too!

 

Harpies. (They steal food! Mostly from guys! Ha!)   

 

   

I also have nice hair!

 

 

Last week I was in the CVS near my crib when this crazy man comes up to me and asks me how my dogs were doing. I didn’t recognize him as Crazy Neighbor at first. He’s lost a lot of weight and grown his hair out a bit. Actually he looks a lot like this guy:

I miss Arrested Development!

Anywhoos, I say they’re fine, all is well, blah blah blah. Then he asks me why, “I changed my identity?”  I asked him what he meant and he said that my hair was a different color and was I trying to be someone else?  I laughed and said no, I wasn’t running from the Feds or anything like that, just changing things up. Then he told me women can easily change their identities, but it’s harder for men.  After that he called me “his pretty girl” and walked away.  If I end up missing, point Nancy Drew in the direction of this guy, please?    

    

        

 

The Weekend in Review: April 23rd-April 25th

So sexy

Another day, another dollar, another rad weekend: 

1-I kicked off my three-day fun fest with a little Friday morning jaunt to Downtown Short Pump. What else says “relaxation” more than visiting the worst place in Richmond?  I had to get my peepers checked and, through no fault of my own, I ended up in the weirdest doctor’s office on the planet.  Topics discussed included, but were not limited to Agent Orange, working for a newspaper in the 1950’s, diseases that cause immobility, Obama being a socialist and last, but certainly not least, America turning into the Third Reich. And all before lunch!

2-When invited to a happy hour (that started many, many hours prior for all in attendance but yours truly) to Bailey’s in the Southside, one should mentally prepare to feel like the most sober person on earth.  As such, I attempted to quickly remedy situation with a little help from my shot bestie, Van Gogh, but was never able to get on the same level as everyone else.  Regardless, Bailey’s is badass.  They have a sign on the door that reads, “This is a smoking establishment”. Ha! Take that!

3-I blame Bailey’s for the drunkenness that quickly ensued upon leaving my new favorite bar.  Already a bit tipsy, I headed to a friend’s house. The night was supposed to go like this: nice dinner, a few cocktails and home early so I could be productive on Saturday morning. Instead it went like this: way too much vodka before a late dinner at Sidewalk, me falling (twice) and waking up on Saturday at 11:30. Win.

4-After attempting to shake one of the worst hangovers of 2010, I kicked it up to DC to see one of my most favoritist bands play.  I danced my ass off and didn’t fall one time!  Whoot!

5-Heading back home it was necessary to eat, ASAP.  As far as fast food goes, I heart Burger King (Whopper me!) so when my suggestion was not met with a “You’re disgusting”, BK it was. Instead of ordering something yummy (like a Whopper Jr. with cheese, hold the tomatoes) my traveling companion ordered the super disgusting BK Chicken Club (gross).  Halfway through the meal he tells me he thinks we hit an all-time low with the meal.  Too bad I was busy eating my delicious flame-grilled cheeseburger and tasty fries to even acknowledge that ridiculous statement.

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