Bring It Back To Basics!

Baby beer!

My manager told me I dress too much like a hobo last week and suggested I, “bring it back to basics” when it comes to my way of dress in the workplace. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I dig it. I dig it a lot.  As a matter of fact I like it so much Imma go ahead and declare 2011 as the Year of Bringing It Back to Basics!

For example: Are you low on cash but still want to go out and get zany?  Bring it back to basics by smuggling in a flask filled with your favorite booze.  Annoyed with too many babies on Facespace?  No problem. Bring it back to basics and start posting pictures of your fake babies out at various bars around town in hopes moms of the internet get the hint. (They won’t, but it’s fun regardless).  Has your check engine light been on for the past two months and your car smells like burning?  No problem! Bring it back to basics and simply ignore the fuck out of that check engine light.  Spend money on car repairs? LOL! No thank you! 

 

You can see that bringing it back to basics is 1-rad and 2-basically means not giving a rip about most things, which works with my general disposition and outlook on life.  Give it a try and see if you find yourself checking your mail monthly and taking out your recycling only when the number of wine bottles lined up on the kitchen floor starts to resemble a small army of awesome!  Your outlook on life will thank you. You’re welcome in advance.

Happy New Year!

 

Happy New Year!

‘Tis the season for New Year Resolutions and here at Café Darkness, I also have made a list of resolutions.  However, as opposed to all the morons who will infiltrate the gym for two weeks before going back to their lives of gluttony and sloth, I have zero intention of keeping any of these resolutions. Let’s think of them as more like anti-resolutions!

1-Quit Smoking. No thank you!  If the Mayans are right (and I think they are!), I have less than two years of smoking like a lady left before we’ll all donezo.  If and when we make it to 2013, I’ll strongly consider not quitting smoking once again.

2-Check my mail more than once a month.  I know this would please my local USPS worker dearly as they love to leave me notes asking me to please check my mail and even go as so far as leaving it in front of my apartment. (Still don’t care, I’ll just step over it).  However, I will not do this. As much as I love getting bills and credit card offers on the regs, I will have to decline this invitation. 

3-Go out less.  In theory, this is a solid resolution, but let’s get real. Why set the bar (pun intended!) impossibly high?  That’s like a meth addicted prostitute off Jeff Davis saying she won’t give any more awkward handies and is going to enroll in Community College to become a paralegal and turn her life around. Ain’t happenin’ folks. Next!

4-Like babies more. Lol. No.

5-Stop procrastinating routine tasks. Things like taking out the trash and activating my new check card shouldn’t weigh heavy on my mind for days on end when they can easily be accomplished in under ten minutes. However, think of how much more rewarding it is when you actually do the dishes that have been in your sink for five days or put away the laundry you did last week? It’s so much better when you wait, stress out about irresponsible you are, finally do said chore and then congratulate yourself on your awesomeness with an extra large glass of vino. It’s how errands are done, yo!

Foodie Redux

Hi. Let's eat some food.

Oh shit, you guys! I’ve been so busy making out and being awesome I totes McGoats forgot to write about my guest appearance on richmond.com’s Five Questions With a Foodie.  It’s funny. Go read it. Or don’t. Either way go fuck yourself and never forget “foodie” is not a word.  Happy Hollerdays!

A Christmas Miracle!

The way we were

Last night I decided to celebrate the upcoming birth of your Lord and Savior by getting mad zany with a couple of equally crazy bitches who enjoy drinking and all around bitchery just as much as yours truly.  After several vats of wine a fella approaches us and asks if could be so honored to buy us a shot (in honor of the Baby Jesus), to which we replied, “Fucking duh”.  Now the problem with accepting any form of alcohol from someone with a penis is that you’re then expected to talk to them afterward.  Café Darkness does not like this and fortunately for me, I was not the one stuck having to make conversation (yay!) and continued being awesome while my friend fell victim to his rambling. However, being the good friend I am, I promptly responded to the third jab to my leg (which in girl speak means stop fucking ignoring the fact I’m getting ear raped by this douche bag and help me) and saved her straight away.  That’s when a Christmas miracle happened and the most awesome exchange of 2010 occurred.

Me to Friend Who Needed Saving:  I can’t believe Kelly is going to be at the Christmas party later.

Friend (Not knowing WTF I was talking about but knowing to just roll with it): I know, right? Whatta bitch.

Me: I can’t stand her. Even though it was years ago I can’t stand the fact she hooked up with Dylan in the pool when I was studying abroad in Paris for the summer!

Him: What happened? Who hooked up? What?

Me: That bitch Kelly hooked up with MY boyfriend in a pool when I was in Paris. She was my best friend but now I hate her!

Him: Oh my god, how long ago did this happen?

Me: High school, but still, I lost my virginity to him at prom! It was kinda a big deal.

Him: Oh my god, that is terrible!

Me: I know, right? I was so upset about it I ended up not going to same college as everyone else for a semester but then was so lonely I transferred back but then eventually left the show because I was too much of a bitch in real life to tolerate.

Friend (Who is about to lose her shit):  Donna Martin graduates?

Me: Barely. But yes.

Him (Who is clearly the dumbest and drunkest person in Richmond): God man, that really sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.

Me: Then my parents moved to Japan and everyone randomly continued living in my old house which always confused me. Anyways, you ready to go to this party?

Friend: Yes.

Him: Ok, I’ll let you ladies go ahead and go to your party, but I feel for you. Breakups are hard. Even from high school.

Local Christmas Gift Exchange Gets Motherfucking Zany as Fuck

Soothing!

RICHMOND,VA-At approximately 1:15 pm Steal Your Soul, Inc.’s company Christmas gift exchange got incredibly motherfucking zany due to the introduction of a HoMedics “Envirascape” Rock Garden and Relation Fountain.  Said fountain promises to create, “the perfect illusion of serenity, strategically combined river rocks, the glowing essence of internal light” and a “stream of pure flowing water”.  The special effects lights will, “create a soft reflection of the water flow” and I’m going to completely lose my mind if I have to work here one more god damn day. 

The gift exchange, which was “Dirty Santa” in nature, allows participants to either select an unopened gift or “steal” an already opened gift and sweet Baby Jesus, please let me get a new job. 

The original fountain owner, Regional Sales Manager Dan Watson, who more than likely has a penchant for weird Japanense porn, was delighted by the fountain’s natural slate design and was assured it would be a serene addition to any room.  That dumb bitch Accounts Receivable clerk Pauline Gilbert was the first to steal the gift because the water flow replicated the sight and sounds of a tranquil waterfall.  Communications Specialist Brenda Smith and all around office cunt, was taken aback by the soft illumination of the fountain which created a more dramatic effect whereas that weird guy, who is maybe in IT but no one is really sure, wanted the fountain because it helps you relax by creating a stress free ambiance. 

At press time local blogger and fellow Steal Your Soul, Inc. employee TLW was drinking the vodka she picked and no one stole directly from her office coffee cup.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

It’s the most wonderfully annoying time of the year when Facespace updates are filled with pictures of Santa babies, your Christmas tree that no one gives a shit about and cookies you baked that I will not eat!  Behold the Top Five Most Annoying Things about the Holidays!

1-Holiday parties at the office!  On Wednesday I have four (4) separate and distinct Christmas “parties” to attend for Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Please note, these are not optional as I skipped them all last year and was warned to “never do that again”.  My bad, I was busy taking a three hour lunch while the rest of the idiots here were engaging in awkward Christmas chit chat.  Anywhoos, people here go absolutely bananas for Christmas office festivities as they are all fucking losers with no life.  I will never forget the zany antics from a few years ago when Annoying Coworker #45 almost flipped her shit at the Dirty Santa Gift Exchange!  She wanted that bottle of wine and gosh darn it, she got it! We still talk about it to this day!   

2-Facespace in general.  Christmas time on Facespace takes the annoying and cranks it up to a level that is almost unfathomable.  Not only do I have to see your baby, I have to see your baby with Santa.  And your baby in the snow. And your baby opening gifts it doesn’t need.  Add in the pictures of your Christmas Tree no one cares about with a dash of “baking cookies for Santa” status updates and here’s me seriously debating deleting my account all together as my blood pressure is already dangerously high from the inordinate amount of drinking and smoking I do. 

3-Buying presents. I hate buying presents.  Not because I don’t like giving people awesome things, but because I stress out and wonder if the present I think is radsauce will be regarded by the receiver as the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever gotten and why do they hang out with me in the first place and maybe we should revaluate our relationship immediately because there is no way in hell I want to associate with someone who thinks (fill in the blank) is an appropriate gift for anyone to receive ever. 

4-Spending time with family. Praise the Baby Jesus, this really doesn’t apply to me, but I have to hear all of you bitch about your Very Merry Passive Aggressive Christmas and to that I say, “I’m sorry your family sucks so hard and your mom is thinking about leaving your dad and your sister is pregnant (again) and due on your birthday which will no longer be your birthday but the baby’s birthday and the dog needs to have its leg removed and will be a tripod”.  Meep motherfucking meep.

5-Christmas ads.  Normally I don’t really have to see these as I don’t watch much television because I’m busy living my life, but the other day I caught this little gem and immediately wanted to murder everyone.  I can’t believe this is a real ad that someone thought of, made and then said, “Oh fuck yes, this is some good shit.  This is a game changer.”.”  Shoot. Me. Now.

Cafe Darkness Likes This

I have been remiss in updating this jim jam, and for that I am deeply sorry. It’s just that I’ve been super busy holidaysing and just being all around awesome.  It will never happen again.  Anywhoos, behold the top five things I totally heart right this very second!

1-The Walking Dead. I mean fucking duh. Who isn’t into a zombie morality tale? I has a major sad that the last episode is on Sunday. What am I going to do without my Sunday night zombie nightmares?  My most recent zombimare entailed zombies overtaking my favorite sandwich place and I was all, “Oh god damn it! I really wanted a turkey sub! Shit!” Then they killed an old guy and I was all, “Gross”.

2-My Holiday Schedule.  One of the silver linings to being poor like whoa is that you don’t take any vacation time throughout the year because you can’t afford to go anywhere!  Thus, the end of the year is a free for all extravaganza of days off.  I am so stoked to not come to Steal Your Soul, Inc for the majority of the year I could do a jig of excitement.

3-The new Girl Talk album. Again, totally not new news, but it’s been a minute since I updated this and hi, it’s awesomesauce. Haters can hate all day if they want, but I’ll just tell them to suck a d. It’s amazing and I love it.

4-My neighbors!  I love coming home to a notice from my landlord saying they complained about my dogs barking.  Hey assholes, how about you live in the 99% of apartments in the city that don’t allow dogs if you’re going to be a dick about dogs barking. Hi. They’re dogs. They bark. That’s kinda they’re thing. So here’s what I suggest:  why don’t y’all kiss my motherfucking ass and enjoy the melodious sounds of them barking all god damn day because now I don’t even shush them. Yay!  You are really dumb, for real.

5-Speaking of Antoine Dodson, I discovered this little ditty yesterday and about threw a clot of happiness. You can totes have Antoine call you and leave you a message. I love this! I love everything about this. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday! He lives!

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