Circle Back Around

Editor’s note: This post is brought to you by marijuana.

It’s like that thing when you’re g-chatting with one of your friends who’s trying to cheer you up because you are sad and he sends you the most bangin’ dating website ever of which you run and tweet to amazement of your followers. And then later that evening you’re playing Words With Friends with your ex boyfriend from college who you may or may not have lost your virginity to when he brings up said tweets and reminds you that your freshman year roommate was in a porn called “Cap’n Stabbin’s Anal Adventures”, something that you haven’t thought about in years and then tweet about immediately, forgetting temporarily that another one of your roommates is also on Twitter who then responds that she too remembers your roommate who was in a porn in college at which point you remember screening said porn when you were still with your now ex husband and wanting to vomit which then reminds you that you guys met at Easy Street, which is now Sullivan’s, which is also where you first met said friend who originally sent you the awesome captain dating website and introduced you to your most recent ex boyfriend which is why you were bummed and needed cheering up in the first place.  And because of your ex husband you realize that that is why you work at Steal Your Soul,  Inc. and because of Steal Your Soul, Inc. you started a blog and then got on Twitter which is how you met aforementioned original friend above and everything is so meta right now and you wonder what your freshman year roommate who was in the porn is up to right this very second, but you should probably go to sleep since it’s midnight and you need to be at Steal Your Soul, Inc. in the morning.

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Fun in the Workplace!

Birthday flowers! 😦

Hi guys.  Do you miss hearing about TSaur?  I bet you do!  I miss telling you all about him, too!  Because it’s been a minute, this is going to be long, so bear with me. Just know I still hate him and he still smells.  Crucial.

Earlier this month my manager forced me to have a meeting with MP to discuss all the things he was doing wrong in hopes of “promoting his development” since he’s not “good with detail” and “takes offense when his mistakes are pointed out to him”. I.e. teach him how to dougie because he’s a mental midget.  However, considering I’m not his manager nor do I care; I took this opportunity to give him this simple advice: Everything you’re doing right now, do the opposite of that and I think you’ll go far. 

Since he is the biggest moron I’ve ever encountered he takes his “professional development program” to kiss the ass of everyone unfortunate enough to be in this department.  As such, he offers to pay for everyone’s “Birthday Club” admission.  (Just typing “Birthday Club” made me cry inside, BTW).  Anywhoos, Birthday Club is a terrible, awful event that takes place each month and I’ve been a birthday club dropout for years. Read more about it here.  Just know that my response to MP was that I’m a birthday club dropout by choice because I prefer to interact with most coworkers never.

A few weeks ago he creepily bought me flowers for my birthday and placed them on my desk with a card saying they were “from the team”.  I refused to acknowledge said flowers and three weeks later they’re still sitting on my desk rotting away.  See picture of said birthday flowers above.

Last Thursday he decided to bring in breakfast “for the team”. I debated calling in sick to avoid the awkward interaction, but decided that free is free so fuck it and why burn a sick day when I’m not hungover?  He went to a Panera about forty miles away (no, really) as opposed to the one right down the street (really) and spent what must have been upwards of fifty bones on various breakfast sweet treats. Halfway through I was about to have a total and complete panic attack and had to excuse myself and eat the rest of my bear claw in the solitude of the copy room. (No, really).

Because the sound of his voice makes me want to throw a million baby clots, I’ve been forced to listen to music at a volume loud enough to cause permanent hearing damage. As such, a fun side effect of this coping mechanism is that MP scares the shit out of me at least twice a day. He’s a sidler and the next thing I know there he is invading my personal space smelling my cube to shit.  Yesterday he wanted to show me his new cell phone.

MP: I have a new cell phone.

Me: ……

MP: It gets the internet.

Me: (turning around) Neat.

This morning he sidled up next to me once again and asked if I wanted to “grab lunch” with him.

MP: Wanna grab lunch today?

Me: No, I’m going to the gym today.

MP: What about another day this week?

Me: I will be at the gym for lunch always.  (Side note: I am not, but that’s beside the point).

MP: How about breakfast then?

Me: (As I eat my breakfast) I do not eat breakfast ever.

MP: Ever?

Me: Yes.

So there you have it. A full and complete rundown of the past month with the worst coworker to ever exist on the planet.  Aren’t you happy you’re not me?  Samesies!

Bring It Back To Basics!

Baby beer!

My manager told me I dress too much like a hobo last week and suggested I, “bring it back to basics” when it comes to my way of dress in the workplace. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I dig it. I dig it a lot.  As a matter of fact I like it so much Imma go ahead and declare 2011 as the Year of Bringing It Back to Basics!

For example: Are you low on cash but still want to go out and get zany?  Bring it back to basics by smuggling in a flask filled with your favorite booze.  Annoyed with too many babies on Facespace?  No problem. Bring it back to basics and start posting pictures of your fake babies out at various bars around town in hopes moms of the internet get the hint. (They won’t, but it’s fun regardless).  Has your check engine light been on for the past two months and your car smells like burning?  No problem! Bring it back to basics and simply ignore the fuck out of that check engine light.  Spend money on car repairs? LOL! No thank you! 

 

You can see that bringing it back to basics is 1-rad and 2-basically means not giving a rip about most things, which works with my general disposition and outlook on life.  Give it a try and see if you find yourself checking your mail monthly and taking out your recycling only when the number of wine bottles lined up on the kitchen floor starts to resemble a small army of awesome!  Your outlook on life will thank you. You’re welcome in advance.

Happy New Year!

 

Happy New Year!

‘Tis the season for New Year Resolutions and here at Café Darkness, I also have made a list of resolutions.  However, as opposed to all the morons who will infiltrate the gym for two weeks before going back to their lives of gluttony and sloth, I have zero intention of keeping any of these resolutions. Let’s think of them as more like anti-resolutions!

1-Quit Smoking. No thank you!  If the Mayans are right (and I think they are!), I have less than two years of smoking like a lady left before we’ll all donezo.  If and when we make it to 2013, I’ll strongly consider not quitting smoking once again.

2-Check my mail more than once a month.  I know this would please my local USPS worker dearly as they love to leave me notes asking me to please check my mail and even go as so far as leaving it in front of my apartment. (Still don’t care, I’ll just step over it).  However, I will not do this. As much as I love getting bills and credit card offers on the regs, I will have to decline this invitation. 

3-Go out less.  In theory, this is a solid resolution, but let’s get real. Why set the bar (pun intended!) impossibly high?  That’s like a meth addicted prostitute off Jeff Davis saying she won’t give any more awkward handies and is going to enroll in Community College to become a paralegal and turn her life around. Ain’t happenin’ folks. Next!

4-Like babies more. Lol. No.

5-Stop procrastinating routine tasks. Things like taking out the trash and activating my new check card shouldn’t weigh heavy on my mind for days on end when they can easily be accomplished in under ten minutes. However, think of how much more rewarding it is when you actually do the dishes that have been in your sink for five days or put away the laundry you did last week? It’s so much better when you wait, stress out about irresponsible you are, finally do said chore and then congratulate yourself on your awesomeness with an extra large glass of vino. It’s how errands are done, yo!

A Christmas Miracle!

The way we were

Last night I decided to celebrate the upcoming birth of your Lord and Savior by getting mad zany with a couple of equally crazy bitches who enjoy drinking and all around bitchery just as much as yours truly.  After several vats of wine a fella approaches us and asks if could be so honored to buy us a shot (in honor of the Baby Jesus), to which we replied, “Fucking duh”.  Now the problem with accepting any form of alcohol from someone with a penis is that you’re then expected to talk to them afterward.  Café Darkness does not like this and fortunately for me, I was not the one stuck having to make conversation (yay!) and continued being awesome while my friend fell victim to his rambling. However, being the good friend I am, I promptly responded to the third jab to my leg (which in girl speak means stop fucking ignoring the fact I’m getting ear raped by this douche bag and help me) and saved her straight away.  That’s when a Christmas miracle happened and the most awesome exchange of 2010 occurred.

Me to Friend Who Needed Saving:  I can’t believe Kelly is going to be at the Christmas party later.

Friend (Not knowing WTF I was talking about but knowing to just roll with it): I know, right? Whatta bitch.

Me: I can’t stand her. Even though it was years ago I can’t stand the fact she hooked up with Dylan in the pool when I was studying abroad in Paris for the summer!

Him: What happened? Who hooked up? What?

Me: That bitch Kelly hooked up with MY boyfriend in a pool when I was in Paris. She was my best friend but now I hate her!

Him: Oh my god, how long ago did this happen?

Me: High school, but still, I lost my virginity to him at prom! It was kinda a big deal.

Him: Oh my god, that is terrible!

Me: I know, right? I was so upset about it I ended up not going to same college as everyone else for a semester but then was so lonely I transferred back but then eventually left the show because I was too much of a bitch in real life to tolerate.

Friend (Who is about to lose her shit):  Donna Martin graduates?

Me: Barely. But yes.

Him (Who is clearly the dumbest and drunkest person in Richmond): God man, that really sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.

Me: Then my parents moved to Japan and everyone randomly continued living in my old house which always confused me. Anyways, you ready to go to this party?

Friend: Yes.

Him: Ok, I’ll let you ladies go ahead and go to your party, but I feel for you. Breakups are hard. Even from high school.

Local Christmas Gift Exchange Gets Motherfucking Zany as Fuck

Soothing!

RICHMOND,VA-At approximately 1:15 pm Steal Your Soul, Inc.’s company Christmas gift exchange got incredibly motherfucking zany due to the introduction of a HoMedics “Envirascape” Rock Garden and Relation Fountain.  Said fountain promises to create, “the perfect illusion of serenity, strategically combined river rocks, the glowing essence of internal light” and a “stream of pure flowing water”.  The special effects lights will, “create a soft reflection of the water flow” and I’m going to completely lose my mind if I have to work here one more god damn day. 

The gift exchange, which was “Dirty Santa” in nature, allows participants to either select an unopened gift or “steal” an already opened gift and sweet Baby Jesus, please let me get a new job. 

The original fountain owner, Regional Sales Manager Dan Watson, who more than likely has a penchant for weird Japanense porn, was delighted by the fountain’s natural slate design and was assured it would be a serene addition to any room.  That dumb bitch Accounts Receivable clerk Pauline Gilbert was the first to steal the gift because the water flow replicated the sight and sounds of a tranquil waterfall.  Communications Specialist Brenda Smith and all around office cunt, was taken aback by the soft illumination of the fountain which created a more dramatic effect whereas that weird guy, who is maybe in IT but no one is really sure, wanted the fountain because it helps you relax by creating a stress free ambiance. 

At press time local blogger and fellow Steal Your Soul, Inc. employee TLW was drinking the vodka she picked and no one stole directly from her office coffee cup.