Dear Cafe Darkness,
You are the only fruit of my soiled loins and upon this, your second birthday, I vow the following:
I will pick you up and spend an hour or so with you once every other week, as the courts have recommended I do.
I will not give one half a fuck if my coworkers discover you, my beloved bastard.
I will never use your adorableness to get a free drink at Bar Louie. I will use your charm to get free drinks anywhere else I can.
I will never, ever, ever take you to Mechanicsville. I fear that’s where all the people with broken dreams and nice houses live. Terrible influences on a young mind.
I will try to remember to pay child support. Your other Mom, TLW, still is trying to shake me down since I let your domain name expire last year. She’s crazy as a rabid lone wolf and also, she bites. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
For piss sake, stop crying. I won’t ignore you for another year. I promise.