Cafe Darkness Likes This

I have been remiss in updating this jim jam, and for that I am deeply sorry. It’s just that I’ve been super busy holidaysing and just being all around awesome.  It will never happen again.  Anywhoos, behold the top five things I totally heart right this very second!

1-The Walking Dead. I mean fucking duh. Who isn’t into a zombie morality tale? I has a major sad that the last episode is on Sunday. What am I going to do without my Sunday night zombie nightmares?  My most recent zombimare entailed zombies overtaking my favorite sandwich place and I was all, “Oh god damn it! I really wanted a turkey sub! Shit!” Then they killed an old guy and I was all, “Gross”.

2-My Holiday Schedule.  One of the silver linings to being poor like whoa is that you don’t take any vacation time throughout the year because you can’t afford to go anywhere!  Thus, the end of the year is a free for all extravaganza of days off.  I am so stoked to not come to Steal Your Soul, Inc for the majority of the year I could do a jig of excitement.

3-The new Girl Talk album. Again, totally not new news, but it’s been a minute since I updated this and hi, it’s awesomesauce. Haters can hate all day if they want, but I’ll just tell them to suck a d. It’s amazing and I love it.

4-My neighbors!  I love coming home to a notice from my landlord saying they complained about my dogs barking.  Hey assholes, how about you live in the 99% of apartments in the city that don’t allow dogs if you’re going to be a dick about dogs barking. Hi. They’re dogs. They bark. That’s kinda they’re thing. So here’s what I suggest:  why don’t y’all kiss my motherfucking ass and enjoy the melodious sounds of them barking all god damn day because now I don’t even shush them. Yay!  You are really dumb, for real.

5-Speaking of Antoine Dodson, I discovered this little ditty yesterday and about threw a clot of happiness. You can totes have Antoine call you and leave you a message. I love this! I love everything about this. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday! He lives!

Texts From This Morning

RIP

Friend: Hello. I am still drunk.

Me: 4Loko is donezo.

Friend: What?

Me: They’re removing the caffeine.

Friend: What the fuck?

Friend: No.

Me: They just announced it.

Friend: Oh.

Friend: Wow.

Friend: I hate everything.

Me: Right?

Friend: Buying things now.

Me: Yes.

Friend: Ok.

City of Richmond Announces Plans to Repave Everything Right Now

Hi

RICHMOND, VA-City officials announced plans today to simultaneously repave every single road, street and alleyway within the next upcoming weeks.  Bill Tinker, head of the Virginia Department of Transportation, says the effort to shut down every possible roadway in the City for a week or two, but maybe a bit longer depending on a bunch of stuff, has been “a long time coming” and hoped the City residents would understand the “slight annoyance” to their normal routine in the next few weeks.  “We started off repaving just 80% of the roads in the beginning of November”, he told reporters earlier today, “just to see how everyone could handle it”.  Reports show that while there has been a significant increase in thrown clots amongst city drivers, the number of times the average driver screamed, “Fuck this fucking shit!” and “Mother fucking roadwork can suck my d!”, only moderately increased. 

At press time City residents were unable to run even simplest of errands including, but not limited to: dropping off their dry cleaning in time for their sister’s wedding, taking their dogs to get groomed to look extra fancy for their Christmas card photo and picking up a cheap bottle of Pinot after a long day at the office. 

When asked why the City would decide to cut off every single artery into and out of the capital of Commonwealth essentially making life unbearable for the idiots dumb enough to work and live in this god damn town, Tinker just stared blankly at reporters and asked them  if they would like a stick of Juicy Fruit.

A Mother’s Love

Vomitorium

Sometimes visiting my mom is like going on Oprah. Or rather, at least what I would imagine going on Oprah would feel like, minus everyone getting a car and her dictating what books I read. I go for a quick visit and all of a sudden I’m being told everything I’m doing wrong in life and how I should fix it and why don’t I just listen to her once in a while, god damn it?  My evening with dear old mom when something like this:

 

Upon me entering and not even sitting down yet:

Mom: Okay, lemme see it.

Me: Uh. Really? Can I sit down first?

Mom: No.

Me: Oh. Ok.

Mom:  Jesus, that thing is ugly. I mean, it’s not *as* bad as I thought it would be, I guess. Kind of looks like a prison tattoo. 

Me: Yay?

Mom: No.

Me: Oh. Ok.

Mom: So…..any new boyfriends?

Me: Noooooope!

Mom: Zero prospects?

Me: Affirmative. S’aint happenin’.

Mom: What’s the problem, here? Why can’t you meet anybody?

Me: Dunno. I mean, to be honest, I’m not even trying even a little.  I’m just living my life.  I don’t care.  I want the iPhone 4.

Mom: What? Huh?  You make zero sense.

Me: Forget it. It was a joke!

 

About ten minutes later:

Mom: You need to find a boyfriend who will cook for you.

Me: Ha! Ok! Sounds like a plan!

Mom: You’re malnourished.

Me: No. A steady diet of peanut butter and macaroni and cheese is perfectly nutritious.

 

Five minutes later:

Mom:  What about some of those dating websites?

Me: LORD, NO!

Mom: It has to be better than speed dating, right?

Me: I’M NOT SPEED DATING! JESUS! Do you think I’m that desperate?

Mom: Well………..

 

 

One minute later:

Mom: Maybe if you stopped getting tattoos and you cut your hair you would get a date.

Me: I don’t want a date.

Mom: You do.

Me: No.  Dates cause problems. Right now I’m problem free. Let’s keep it that way.

Mom: You will never give me grandchildren.

Me: Correct.

Ah, a mother’s love.  What a sweet, lovely thing it is.

Foodie

It's OK, I don't know what any of that is, either.

Foodie (noun).  A made up word one pretentiously calls oneself to let you know they eat food better than you.  Those who use this word in a non-ironic manner alert everyone they are going to talk about the meal they prepared last night in excruciating detail, much to the disdain of those around them.  For example:

Foodie: “I prepared the most amazing lamb shank last night with a fantastic ginger and cilantro rub. Although you would think the ginger and cilantro would fight against each other, the tenderness and gaminess of the lamb really helped blend the flavor profiles beautifully.  I even paired it with a fantastic seasonal IPA I found at this new market around the corner.  Definitely making that again around holidays. Plus also, ceviche.”

You: (Blank Stare). “Oh. Ok.”

Foodies spend an abnormal portion of their free time talking about “the best” of any and every type of food.  Which restaurant has the best Cuban sandwich? Where can you find the best crab benedict asparagus breakfast burrito omelet?  How about the best Thai-Korean-Ethiopian taco truck?  Whereas there is no end to discovering the “best of” any type of consumable good, for some reason that is beyond comprehension, coffee and pizza seem to be the holy grail of “best of”.  Foodies, if left to their own devices, would talk about coffee and pizza 92-93% of the time, with the remaining 8-7% spent discussing next spring’s vegetable garden. 

When one encounters a foodie, it is best to simply nod your head and heartily agree with all of their recommendations and concur that is next to impossible to find a decent tuna tartare in this god damn town, but yes, that new Ugandan place down the street is going to be the best thing to happen to restaurants in the history of the world.

America’s Liberals Issue Resounding, “Shiiiiit!”

Crap.

AMERICA-Liberals across the nation issued a collective, “Fuuuuuuuck” upon waking up this morning to the 2010 midterm election results. Although not unexpected, the GOP takeover of at least 60 seats in the House of Representatives, the majority of Governorships and numerous Senate seats, forced many liberal Americans to wonder what the hell was going on with this country and question America’s short-term memory as clearly anyone with half a brain cell would realize two years isn’t nearly long enough to fix eight years worth of mistakes. “Right?” they asked NPR on their morning commute.  “Did you hear that jackass saying Republicans were tired of big government bailouts?” they wondered. “TARP was passed under the Bush Administration! How come no one knows that?!” “Shit!” they added. “And don’t even get us started on [California’s] Prop 19.”

Further infuriating the nation’s left-leaning population were the “truly fucking unbelievable” victories of several Tea Party members including Rand Paul in Kentucky and Marco Rubio in Florida.  “Do Tea Partiers even know what the Constitution is?”, they asked as they parked their car at their respective work places. “No. They don’t. Morons.”

The fact that the final make-up of the Senate will include no African-Americans did not go unnoticed who questioned the direction this country is heading whilst taking the elevator.  “God damn, it!” they added as they poured themselves a cup of coffee in the company break room. 

At press time 80% of liberal Americans were reading Huffington Post and contemplating a move to Canada.  The remaining 20% were lovingly glancing at their pictures from the Rally for Sanity they attended last Saturday and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.