RICHMOND, VA-A recent study funded by the City of Richmond named runners the most annoying group in the Greater Richmond Metro Region. The study, conducted over a twelve month period, looked at several groups to determine who was the most grating to the overall population. Hipsters, Ed Hardy douche bags, West End jerk offs and Mommy bloggers were all examined. “Heading into the study we assumed either hipsters or Mommy bloggers would be the most annoying, however it became clear early on that runners were indisputably the most nausea-inducing group”, head researcher Dr. John L. Pinkerton told reporters yesterday. “Yes, incessantly talking about your vinyl record collection and your child’s pooping schedule does make one want to take a shotgun blast to the face, but discussing training regimes, upcoming races and how to properly fuel during a long run is enough to make one perform their own lobotomy with a dull butter knife.” “Lord Jesus, nobody cares,” he added. Other irritating characteristics include running in the middle in the god damn street when there’s a perfectly acceptable sidewalk, a sense of overall moral superiority and those “idiotic” 26.2 bumper stickers.
Today is my official two year Splitaversary! Yay! I love going for a run and then coming home and having my husband tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and then having to stay at my mom’s house for six weeks until I could get an apartment because my fucking asshole of an ex husband was threatening legal action if I didn’t continue to pay the mortgage in a house I wasn’t staying in! Walking around like you’ve had a full frontal lobotomy for the next two months was swell, too. I’ve also enjoyed the litany of losers I’ve had the unfortunate circumstance of dating over the past two years. Being poor is fun too, because it builds character and teaches you the value of a dollar. I’ve also learned some valuable life lessons like: I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone ever again, babies as facespace pictures weird me out and you can live off macaroni and cheese and little else and not die of cancer (yet). Sweet! Ok, gotta run. I need to check my Facespace and thank everyone who wished me a Happy Splitaversay Day and then drink a gallon of wine.
Oh, Richmond in late September, you are a sexy bitch! This is my favorite time of the year, but it’s not because of the weather. It’s because this is the time of year when I think back and wistfully remember splitting up with my ex husband! Yes, folks. Two years ago this gal was a married lady living in a house with a washer/dryer and backyard and was getting jazzed about the Heroes season premiere! LOL. I’ll never forget my ex coming home from a brief jaunt to LA and us splitting up right then and there. I like my breakups like I like my sexy times: painfully quick and without much fanfare. When I think back to TLW two years ago (who wasn’t even TLW but more of just an empty shell of a gal) I get happy thinking how rad I am now compared to then. Let’s compare then and now:
A typical Friday night:
Then: Drinking some red wine outside and in bed by 11. You’ve got a marathon to train for!
Now: Who cares? I’m too busy getting awesome.
Then: Let’s get fancy and actually prepare food that isn’t macaroni and cheese and/or peanut butter straight from the jar. It’s called “cooking”, look it up.
Now: Dinner is overrated.
Then: Cleanliness is next to godliness thus why Saturday morning is a great time to get your weekly clean on!
Now: I give myself props checking my mail once every two weeks.
Then: Conservative people are gross.
So you see, poppets, getting the big D isn’t all bad. It makes you prioritize your life and realize what’s important and that’s clearly not waking up early on a Saturday morning to clean your god damn house just because you think you should. You also shouldn’t get married when you’re 25 just because all your friends are doing it. Lesson learned!
I rarely get sick. I thank my mother for subjecting me to an onslaught of germs at a young age and refusing to take me to the doctor to get antibiotics, thus bolstering my immune system to super human strength. I also credit my unwillingness to rid my shower of mold, which I believe aids me in not getting AIDS. The last time I was sick was back in February when I had a wicked case of Cabin Fever caused by the fifteen god damn snow storms we had. Unfortunately, poppets, I’m sick again. This time I’ve caught myself a terrible case of Dry Spellitis.
Dry Spellitis is a medical condition caused by not getting any action ever for an extended period of time ranging from one month to infinity. Symptoms include being sexually frustrated and being convinced everyone is getting more sexy times than you (because they are). The initial stages of Dry Spellitis are the most severe as sufferers who were at one time used to getting laid, now do not. As the Dry Spell continues the patient begins to accept their condition. In the latter stages of the disorder it is common to find those with Dry Spellitis slowly hoarding newspapers and semi-feral cats.
There is no known treatment for Dry Spellitis beyond making out with oneself, which only temporarily alleviates the symptom of the disorder. Loved ones should be aware that although Dry Spellitis is not contagious, it is best to not speak of one’s own sexual conquests in front of them lest the patient rip your fucking face off.
It makes me sad to think some of y’all don’t read my Twitters. It makes me even sadder when people on the Twitters don’t read the CD. Why wouldn’t you read both? This is free self-deprecating comedic gold! Feel better about your life choices and read both! Duh! For those of you who don’t read the Twitters, let me showcase some of more recent favorites in a 140 characters or less:
Fall is officially here! Spotted my first hipster in a hoodie. To celebrate I just judged everyone’s taste in music. Everything sounds better on vinyl.
Facespace taught me 1 thing: it’s if you accidentally ingest rat poison and need to vomit immediately read the comments under any baby pic. Seriously. It worked for me last night. Fact: Not every person is cute; ergo not every baby is cute. Just sayin’.
UVA is the worst. So glad I wasn’t smart enough to come here. It’s like DTSP on aids. There are so many privileged white people there I didn’t know what to do with myself last weekend! Also, I suppose I should have said “with AIDS”, but I had been drinking for hours when I wrote that. Plus also, “on aids” just sounds funnier. It’s like, “Hi, you’re on aids”.
Missing! Large chunks of my night! If found, call me! Blacking out. LOL.
Christ, can I get my period already? Just cried over a fucking Charlie St. Cloud preview. Fml. PMS. LOL.
If Turbo Tax asked me if I was married w/ kids one more time I would have sworn it was Christmas and I was drunk and crying in the corner. Classic!
You say potato, I say ALEJANDRO! I’m not sure when I’ll stop Tweeting about Alejandro, but if I had to guess, it won’t be anytime soon.
Wish I were a baby so people would tell me how cute I am even when I was covered in drool. Can moms get their own Facespace please where all they do is comment on each others pictures? It would make me SO much happier. I learned the hard way to never comment or like any baby picture on Facespace lest you be inundated with a million emails from every single woman who has pushed a baby out of herself who is compelled by the power of Christ to also comment on “how precious!!!!” said picture is. Dislike.
Hey, OnDemand! The “very best of Kings of Leon” is an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp. Or sexy Republican. The only Kings of Leon concert I wish I ever attended was the one when the bird shit all over them. Uh. They suck so hard. Go away.
In case you were wondering, yes, you do look as dumb as you feel in that group fitness class. FACE!
Your six-year-old is on an anti-depressant. Oh. What is a six-year-old depressed about? Dora the Explorer being a re-run? Gross. Parenting in 2010: If your child is sad, mad, happy or sleepy put ‘em on Zoloft!
Ever sat around in your underwear late at night whilst eating cheese wondering who in the world TLW is? Yeah, I figured not. More than likely you’ve thought that you would like me to STFU, please and thank you. Regardless, it may be your lucky day on September 16th, 2010! For some reason that is beyond my small woman brain to comprehend, I’ve been asked to speak on the “Alter-Egos, Identities and Covert Operations in Richmond Social Media” which, to me, sounds like I’m way more badass than I am, but hey, let’s roll with it.
The other people speaking are way more gross, interesting, funny and popular than yours truly so hopefully I won’t have to talk too much as the last time I had to speak in public was my freshman year of college in my Communications 101 class. (Go Duke Dogs!). I was so nervous I decided to get stoney maroni prior to giving my final speech of the semester which really backfired big time. Needless to say, I won’t make that mistake twice, but I will be several glasses of red wine in so as to not throw a clot. So come on out, y’all! If you heckle me, I’ll pummel you with my tiny fists of rage. Yay!
RICHMOND, VA-Increased chatter about the weather reached an all time high this summer and experts warn weather-related conversations will only increase in frequency as Hurricane Earl makes landfall. John Smith of the Pew Institute released his startling findings earlier this week. “There is a clear and direct correlation between living in Richmond and talking about the weather. The amount of time Richmonders spend discussing past, current and future weather conditions is astounding”, he told reporters earlier today. His report warns that those who do not want to discuss the weather should evacuate Richmond immediately in anticipation of Hurricane Earl. “The fact that this storm will have little to no impact on Central Virginia does not matter to Richmond residents who will more than likely cancel all Labor Day vacation plans in order to immediately start driving like assholes and crowd local grocery stores to stock up on unnecessary nonperishable goods”. At press time Mr. Smith had fled the area for the less weather centric town of Arlington.