Fun in the Workplace!

Birthday flowers! 😦

Hi guys.  Do you miss hearing about TSaur?  I bet you do!  I miss telling you all about him, too!  Because it’s been a minute, this is going to be long, so bear with me. Just know I still hate him and he still smells.  Crucial.

Earlier this month my manager forced me to have a meeting with MP to discuss all the things he was doing wrong in hopes of “promoting his development” since he’s not “good with detail” and “takes offense when his mistakes are pointed out to him”. I.e. teach him how to dougie because he’s a mental midget.  However, considering I’m not his manager nor do I care; I took this opportunity to give him this simple advice: Everything you’re doing right now, do the opposite of that and I think you’ll go far. 

Since he is the biggest moron I’ve ever encountered he takes his “professional development program” to kiss the ass of everyone unfortunate enough to be in this department.  As such, he offers to pay for everyone’s “Birthday Club” admission.  (Just typing “Birthday Club” made me cry inside, BTW).  Anywhoos, Birthday Club is a terrible, awful event that takes place each month and I’ve been a birthday club dropout for years. Read more about it here.  Just know that my response to MP was that I’m a birthday club dropout by choice because I prefer to interact with most coworkers never.

A few weeks ago he creepily bought me flowers for my birthday and placed them on my desk with a card saying they were “from the team”.  I refused to acknowledge said flowers and three weeks later they’re still sitting on my desk rotting away.  See picture of said birthday flowers above.

Last Thursday he decided to bring in breakfast “for the team”. I debated calling in sick to avoid the awkward interaction, but decided that free is free so fuck it and why burn a sick day when I’m not hungover?  He went to a Panera about forty miles away (no, really) as opposed to the one right down the street (really) and spent what must have been upwards of fifty bones on various breakfast sweet treats. Halfway through I was about to have a total and complete panic attack and had to excuse myself and eat the rest of my bear claw in the solitude of the copy room. (No, really).

Because the sound of his voice makes me want to throw a million baby clots, I’ve been forced to listen to music at a volume loud enough to cause permanent hearing damage. As such, a fun side effect of this coping mechanism is that MP scares the shit out of me at least twice a day. He’s a sidler and the next thing I know there he is invading my personal space smelling my cube to shit.  Yesterday he wanted to show me his new cell phone.

MP: I have a new cell phone.

Me: ……

MP: It gets the internet.

Me: (turning around) Neat.

This morning he sidled up next to me once again and asked if I wanted to “grab lunch” with him.

MP: Wanna grab lunch today?

Me: No, I’m going to the gym today.

MP: What about another day this week?

Me: I will be at the gym for lunch always.  (Side note: I am not, but that’s beside the point).

MP: How about breakfast then?

Me: (As I eat my breakfast) I do not eat breakfast ever.

MP: Ever?

Me: Yes.

So there you have it. A full and complete rundown of the past month with the worst coworker to ever exist on the planet.  Aren’t you happy you’re not me?  Samesies!

Go away, please.

Oh, you like me? Neat. Let's date.

Recently T Saur has been getting mad creepy.  A few weekends ago I was at a local watering hole (shocking) and when I got into work that Monday he immediately ran over to me and barked, “Did I have a nice weekend?  Because he saw me at (fill in the blank) bar.” Please note, this is not the first, second or third time T has claimed to see me out and about and not come over and said hello. (Which is actually preferable).  As a matter of fact, now that I get to thinking about it, this has been happening about once a week for a few months now. Are you following me around?  Gross. 

Anywhoos, this past Monday he rushes over straight away in his stinky eighteen-piece suit and once again asks me how my weekend was, doesn’t even wait for an answer before placing this on my desk:

Whaaaaaaat?

 

Total pregnancy test, amiright?  I even asked him why he placed a pregnancy test on my desk and he laughed and said no, it’s a wine opener and he thought I would want it? You know, because after the trillion bottles of wine I’ve consumed I probably don’t have a wine opener.  I guess it was kind of nice, if not a little weird and totally unnecessary.  Fast forward to yesterday. Again, it was first thing in the morning and I’m my standard thirty minutes late getting here.  He runs over and says in an uber scary dead pan voice, “I like the color of your hair”, to which I replied, “Oooooookay. Thanks?” You like the color of my hair? What? Why are so weird with everything in your life?  Go. Away. 

Speaking of lives, what’s going on with my life lately? What with my stalker from last week, T Saur and the crazy Vietnam Vet Hobo who asked to, “ride in my car” yesterday I’m seriously beginning to question what kind of crazy mojo I’m putting out there.  TLW no want your crazy. Please leave my life.

Ooh the flossy flossy!

I Hate Yoooooooooou

Wow! Look at you lucky sonsabitches! Three posts in one week. Lordy! What is this? 2009? Suck it, bitches.  For your information I had already written today’s post yesterday, but Steal Your Soul’s computer decided to eat it like a sacrificial lamb. Meh. It wasn’t all that great anyways. It was basically me just ranting about how much I hate T Saur swarming around my desk a trillion times a day and asking him to sit the fuck down.  So instead of T Saur I want to discuss my gum AIDS. 

About a month ago one of my coworker’s (who I actually like and will talk to) went to the dentist and was told she had four (4!!) cavities that all could have been prevented if she flossed.  Going to the dentist makes me cold sweat, but getting cavities filled makes me throw clots.  Unfortunately, I also really hate flossing and admit I do it never.  However, her trip to the dentist scared me straight.  If you can cure the gay, then you sure as hell can cure being mouth gross!  I went to the store that night and purchased myself some real nice floss.  Of course it took me a few more weeks to actually start using it, but once I did I immediately started feeling better about myself.  I felt responsible, like a normal grown up. I even considered checking my mail more than bi-monthly, but decided to not take on too much, too soon.

It wasn’t too much longer after I started taking baby steps toward proper dental hygiene when I started noticing my gums were itchy like whoa. Who has itchy gums? This girl. How is that even possible?  I don’t know, but as I’m typing right now I have the insatiable urge to rake a pair of gardening shears across my mouth. Gross? Yes, very.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it or how one gets rid of their itchy gums but once I figure it out, I’ll holler and let y’all know. Also, let me know if you or someone you love has had this ailment and whose leg you humped to rid yourself of this malady.  Maybe if there are enough of us, we can start some type of support group. 

PS-For those of you grossed out by my gum AIDS, be thankful. I could’ve written about the period I’m having. You. Are. Welcome.

Now you know

How YOU doin?!

It’s been a minute since I gave y’all a TSaur update and I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to know what the haps is.  It’s fall and that means one thing and one thing only: it’s time to break out the twelve piece suits that smell like they haven’t been cleaned since the Carter administration. YAY! He wore his first twelve-piecer a week ago and I could smell him before he even got to his desk. The stench was menacing and raped my olfactory senses as I had forgotten how much more powerful his “winter smell” is versus that of summer. 

On a posi note, I may talk mad shit about T, but I’ll give props where props are due. Last Tuesday I decided to party like it was 1999 and called in sick to work on Wednesday. (Duh).  Of course I took Wednesday as an opportunity to get my day drank on and where did I end up at five pm but the local watering hole right near T’s apt.  I went outside for a quick smoke with this guy and who do I see but T all duded up in his running clothes! (Read: stained white undershirt, basketball shorts and high top Red Iverson’s).  Immediately I’m all “oh snap” since I was clearly in the cups and not sick even a little unless you consider getting awesome during a work day “sick”. I decided to kill him with kindness and actually talk to him.  Luckily he didn’t bust my cover and even complimented my “mental health day”.  Word! He may stink to high heaven and have the hair of the Fonz, but he’s not a 100% detestable.

In an unrelated T note, can I just say how many badass bands have been in and around the RVA as of late that I’ve had the opportunity to get drunk and dance to? Granted, Free Fest last weekend was in Baltimore, but that’s totally drivable.  What’s happening Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Yeasayer, Chromeo, Sleigh Bells and MIA?! Sleigh Bells and LCD Sounsystem again in Charlottesville this weekend? Ok! Gorillaz in Northern Virginia in mid-October? Pretty Lights in November?  Don’t mind if I do.  Sign me up, bitches! If you need me, I’ll be hollering loudly at a music venue near you!

Thank you!

Because I am a true, Southern lady I write thank you notes for all gifts received.  Please see the letter I crafted to my employer for the kick ass paperweight I received this morning.  Day = Made. Duh.

Dear Steal Your Soul, Inc.

 

Thank you so, so much for the paperweight you gave me this morning.  I have never owned a paperweight before as I am not normally in a very windy office and it’s not 1964, so this will really come in handy when the recycled air that provides the background noise to my life really cranks it up a notch.  I would be remiss to not also thank for you not giving me a raise since November 2007 and cutting my pay 6% last year whilst doubling my work load!  While you may call my paperweight a “token of appreciation” I call it a symbol of all of the hard work that’s gone unrecognized and unpaid for!  To be honest, the only person in this entire company who appreciated your paperweight was Tsaur who (literally) uttered the words, “sweet!” upon opening his new lovie.  Even though I wish I could keep the paperweight, its new home is in my trashcan. 

 

Love always,

 

TLW

Wednesday FYI

'Corn Porn

T Saur and his on again, off again, on again, and off once again girlfriend are donezo for the time being.  He’s now resorted to trolling match.com and randomly emailing ladies he thinks he’s interested in. Note: He’s not actually on match.com; he just scrolls through and looks at pictures and emails them to see if they would be interested in meeting.  Ew.  Much like online dating, he is gross. 

Speaking of dating, Mom is concerned that I’m dating, and I quote here, “zero people.” She says she doesn’t “get it” and why can’t someone introduce me to someone?!  I told her to mind her own gd business because it’s of no concern to her and I’m tired of meeting crazy people who want to wear my skin as a suit.  I’d much prefer to go out and get MC Hammered with my friends and not worry about it. Shit! Leave me alone!

While we’re discussing crazy people, I really need to stop answering numbers I don’t recognize. Just a mere thirty minutes ago my phone rang and I made the mistake of answering. Much to my delight and surprise it was very inebriated person of the male variety inviting me to meet him at Bojangles. As hard as it was to decline the invitation to eat biscuits and gravy on Nine Mile Road at nine thirty AM on a Tuesday, I had to work, so…..no.

It’s always nice to see my ex husband and be reminded why I’m so much happier without him. Last night’s visit was no exception.  Straight away I noticed what can only be described as a watch one would wear whilst playing bocce ball in Boca Raton. I freaked out and asked him if he was wearing that old man watch ironically?  He said no, it was badass and expensive (duh!) and he loved it which made me laugh hard. Then he told me he was considering moving to downtown Short Pump at which point I was laughing so much tears were streaming down my face. “Oh my god I’m so glad we’re not together anymore! You’re such a dork! Ha!” Wow. What the fuck was I thinking? Good Lord.

Mistakes: We gonna find you, we gonna find you.

For the past several months my job, which I already loathe tremendously, has been even more tedious and excruciating due to the presence of the most loathsome people on the planet. These people are called “auditors” and they are the most vile, despicable excuses for human beings I’ve ever encountered.  At first I was semi-pleasant to them. I gave them dead eyes, which is about the most cordial I can be on the daily here at Steal Your Soul, Inc.

Two months and several hundred emails later I now have dreams of punching these people in the face (for serious).  And it feels SO good.  This morning I needed a drink by 8:02 AM when I read the onslaught of emails sent after I left for the day.  I’m telling a coworker in the break room how I now finally *get* how people completely and totally lose their shit at work and just go ballistic (a la Steven Slater my new hero!) when in saunters T Saur, a full thirty minutes, early per the norm.  He interjects his words of wisdom and says that perhaps they’re not used to working in a “corporate culture”.  “Huh? What? They work for a CORPORATION. THEY’RE AUDITORS. What the fuck.  Do you think they’re like Gollum trying to find their precious and all of a sudden they’re in some corporate office unawares of how they got there?”  Side note: what’s up with me and Lord of the Rings references recently? Christ, it’s like I hot tub timed machine back to 2003.  If that’s the case, “No, I will not marry you!” Booyah!

Anywhoos, after I explained that auditors work in offices just like the rest of us losers he interjects in his non-sequatorial style that he recently purchased some whiskey and he was going to try whiskey sours this weekend.  Seriously you guys, I think I’m part of some weird Tuskegee style experiment (except minus the syphilis and racism) to see how long a person can be surrounded by the crazy and not lose it. Either that or I’m on a Hidden Camera reality show that I bet is huge in Germany and South Korea. Either way, releases the Kraken. I’m donezo.

Office Gossip!

It’s a double trouble T Saur update Thursday. Lucky, lucky you!   

The on again, off again relationship between T and his lady is once again back off!  When he took her back for the second (third?) time, I gave it two weeks, max.  Due to the fact that I am not only awesome and smart and sexy, I am also always right.  (It’s a blessing and a curse!)  Anywhoos, he broke the news to me on Tuesday.  I don’t really remember all of the details because I was busy playing Doodle Jump (!) on Billy Mays, but I remember hearing something along the lines of Saturday, dinner, Cha Cha’s, blah blah, couch, Sunday morning. Once I zoned back in he told me he had even gone so far as defriending her on Facespace. I told him kudos on the defriending. It’s a bold move, but an effective one!  I took a mental health day yesterday but was informed by vigilant coworkers that he wrote her a Dostoevskyesque email yesterday from his yahoo (ha!) email account. He crafted it for hours.  Today another vigilant coworker spied him staring at pictures of the two of them he took when they went to the Chesterfield zoo (wha?).  Clearly T is completely and totally insane.  I predict they are back together all over again by the weekend only to break up once more.  But don’t worry, y’all know I’ll keep you informed! 

How does one delicately request for your (male) coworker to start wearing a bra? I think the constant heart ache and diet consisting solely of coffee and Bugles has finally caught up to him. His man boobs are positively pornorific and are grossing me the hell out.  He walks to work and when he gets here his gross ass polo shirt is covered in sweat and it makes me want to puke hard. I’m thinking of seeking professional help in permanently removing my olfactory senses.

Wednesday is the new Randomday! Duh!

Yes!

Top o the mornin’ to ya, poppets!  Boy oh boy, there’s a lot going on right now so let’s get right to it.

RVA’s greatest love affair is back on! No, no. I’m not talking about me and my imaginary boyfriend, Alejandro (who is absolutely perfect by the way). I’m talking about T Saur and his cheatin’ girlfriend/ex girlfriend/girlfriend. He decided to “roll the dice” a third time and see how things pan out with his “chick”.  Good call, idiot.  Related: if he says the word “chick” to me one more time I’m going to roundhouse kick him in his sallow, haggard face.

You guys, check this shit out! Someone else besides my mom thinks I’m (semi/maybe/okay not really at all) funny and who else do I have to thank for this besides the one and only Sara Palin!  Finally my useless English degree and hatred for right-wing nut jobs has paid off!  Dying. I am dead now. Now my cat is homeless.

Last night I was out for a ditty and enjoyed some $1.00 Greyhounds (heaven) when I went outside for a smoke break.  One extremely intoxicated gentle fellow drunkenly ambles over and all I’m thinking is that I wanted to enjoy my sweet cig and play some Words With Friends and no, I don’t want to talk to you, but thanks for coming out.  Baby Jesus ignored my wishes (JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES!) and he comes over and throws out what may be the best (and by best I mean worst) pickup line I’ve ever heard:

Him: Sooooooooo I was just wondering……….(insert pause for an awkward amount of time here)…….how…uh….how…uh…SHORT are you?  You’re REALLY….uh….SHORT!

Me: Ha! Oh dear!

Him: So…..right…..what was the question?

Me: My height. You wanted to know my height. Don’t worry about the numbers, just know I’m a legal midget. And we prefer the term “little people”.

Him: Oh…….ah…….ok….gotta go.

Me: See ya!  

I love that guy. I want to make him my baby daddy/future ex husband. Call me!

To All the Single Ladies!

Wheeeeee!

To all the single ladies of RVA, I have great news! T Saur is single and available once again. If you do recall, just three short weeks ago I regrettably informed you Richmond’s most eligible bachelor was off the market. I also predicted she would soon screw him over post-haste as she cheated on him within the first week of their relationship (HA!).  Besides that little snafu, the first two and half weeks were great! They went running together (at which point he wore his red Iverson basketball shoes-for serious)!  They went on day trips together to Luray Caverns! He even watched her guinea pigs and rabbits when she was out of town!  What fun!

 

Well, like all good things, it came to end.  Shit went down over Fourth of July weekend. Romeo and Juliet had themselves a dinner date on Saturday night, but when Juliet didn’t call Romeo by six, that crazy bastard stopped by her house “because he was in the area”. Turns out T’s lady love made dinner plans with another guy “friend” and figured they could just hang out later.  T waited by the phone all night to meet up with her, only to go to bed disappointed and alone.  When she called him the next day he stood his ground and told her that any didn’t appreciate being “disrespected” like that. Several text messages later, the couple was donezo. Sadsauce!

 

All last week T Saur was super sad and wasn’t talking to anyone (yeah!) so it wasn’t until Monday when he decided to break it down to me. If y’all recall, I had the world’s worst hangover on Monday so it was really hard for me to tolerate his stench, but ever the dedicated procurer of information, I held steady as she goes.  He explained he called her last Friday to apologize for breaking their Fourth of July plans on Monday. I about freaked the fuck out right there (partially from dehydration, partially from disbelief) and told him to hold the phone.  “You apologized for not keeping a date after you broke up?” He said, yes, he felt bad so he wanted to say he was sorry. I then explained that it’s not “breaking a date” once you’ve “broken up”. “I didn’t call and apologize to my ex husband for missing his past two birthdays, youknowwhati’msayin’?” He said he did, but I could tell from that ever-present vacant look in his eye, he did not.  I predict they’re back together within the month, so ladies, if you see T out and about in his natural habitat, holler loudly! 

 

UPDATE: I was just informed less than two minutes ago he was “getting back on that horse” and had “locked one down for Friday night”. Get moving, ladies! He’s ready for some action!