Archive for the ‘t saur’ Category

Fun in the Workplace!

Birthday flowers! :(

Hi guys.  Do you miss hearing about TSaur?  I bet you do!  I miss telling you all about him, too!  Because it’s been a minute, this is going to be long, so bear with me. Just know I still hate him and he still smells.  Crucial.

Earlier this month my manager forced me to have a meeting with MP to discuss all the things he was doing wrong in hopes of “promoting his development” since he’s not “good with detail” and “takes offense when his mistakes are pointed out to him”. I.e. teach him how to dougie because he’s a mental midget.  However, considering I’m not his manager nor do I care; I took this opportunity to give him this simple advice: Everything you’re doing right now, do the opposite of that and I think you’ll go far. 

Since he is the biggest moron I’ve ever encountered he takes his “professional development program” to kiss the ass of everyone unfortunate enough to be in this department.  As such, he offers to pay for everyone’s “Birthday Club” admission.  (Just typing “Birthday Club” made me cry inside, BTW).  Anywhoos, Birthday Club is a terrible, awful event that takes place each month and I’ve been a birthday club dropout for years. Read more about it here.  Just know that my response to MP was that I’m a birthday club dropout by choice because I prefer to interact with most coworkers never.

A few weeks ago he creepily bought me flowers for my birthday and placed them on my desk with a card saying they were “from the team”.  I refused to acknowledge said flowers and three weeks later they’re still sitting on my desk rotting away.  See picture of said birthday flowers above.

Last Thursday he decided to bring in breakfast “for the team”. I debated calling in sick to avoid the awkward interaction, but decided that free is free so fuck it and why burn a sick day when I’m not hungover?  He went to a Panera about forty miles away (no, really) as opposed to the one right down the street (really) and spent what must have been upwards of fifty bones on various breakfast sweet treats. Halfway through I was about to have a total and complete panic attack and had to excuse myself and eat the rest of my bear claw in the solitude of the copy room. (No, really).

Because the sound of his voice makes me want to throw a million baby clots, I’ve been forced to listen to music at a volume loud enough to cause permanent hearing damage. As such, a fun side effect of this coping mechanism is that MP scares the shit out of me at least twice a day. He’s a sidler and the next thing I know there he is invading my personal space smelling my cube to shit.  Yesterday he wanted to show me his new cell phone.

MP: I have a new cell phone.

Me: ……

MP: It gets the internet.

Me: (turning around) Neat.

This morning he sidled up next to me once again and asked if I wanted to “grab lunch” with him.

MP: Wanna grab lunch today?

Me: No, I’m going to the gym today.

MP: What about another day this week?

Me: I will be at the gym for lunch always.  (Side note: I am not, but that’s beside the point).

MP: How about breakfast then?

Me: (As I eat my breakfast) I do not eat breakfast ever.

MP: Ever?

Me: Yes.

So there you have it. A full and complete rundown of the past month with the worst coworker to ever exist on the planet.  Aren’t you happy you’re not me?  Samesies!

Go away, please.

Oh, you like me? Neat. Let's date.

Recently T Saur has been getting mad creepy.  A few weekends ago I was at a local watering hole (shocking) and when I got into work that Monday he immediately ran over to me and barked, “Did I have a nice weekend?  Because he saw me at (fill in the blank) bar.” Please note, this is not the first, second or third time T has claimed to see me out and about and not come over and said hello. (Which is actually preferable).  As a matter of fact, now that I get to thinking about it, this has been happening about once a week for a few months now. Are you following me around?  Gross. 

Anywhoos, this past Monday he rushes over straight away in his stinky eighteen-piece suit and once again asks me how my weekend was, doesn’t even wait for an answer before placing this on my desk:

Whaaaaaaat?

 

Total pregnancy test, amiright?  I even asked him why he placed a pregnancy test on my desk and he laughed and said no, it’s a wine opener and he thought I would want it? You know, because after the trillion bottles of wine I’ve consumed I probably don’t have a wine opener.  I guess it was kind of nice, if not a little weird and totally unnecessary.  Fast forward to yesterday. Again, it was first thing in the morning and I’m my standard thirty minutes late getting here.  He runs over and says in an uber scary dead pan voice, “I like the color of your hair”, to which I replied, “Oooooookay. Thanks?” You like the color of my hair? What? Why are so weird with everything in your life?  Go. Away. 

Speaking of lives, what’s going on with my life lately? What with my stalker from last week, T Saur and the crazy Vietnam Vet Hobo who asked to, “ride in my car” yesterday I’m seriously beginning to question what kind of crazy mojo I’m putting out there.  TLW no want your crazy. Please leave my life.

Ooh the flossy flossy!

I Hate Yoooooooooou

Wow! Look at you lucky sonsabitches! Three posts in one week. Lordy! What is this? 2009? Suck it, bitches.  For your information I had already written today’s post yesterday, but Steal Your Soul’s computer decided to eat it like a sacrificial lamb. Meh. It wasn’t all that great anyways. It was basically me just ranting about how much I hate T Saur swarming around my desk a trillion times a day and asking him to sit the fuck down.  So instead of T Saur I want to discuss my gum AIDS. 

About a month ago one of my coworker’s (who I actually like and will talk to) went to the dentist and was told she had four (4!!) cavities that all could have been prevented if she flossed.  Going to the dentist makes me cold sweat, but getting cavities filled makes me throw clots.  Unfortunately, I also really hate flossing and admit I do it never.  However, her trip to the dentist scared me straight.  If you can cure the gay, then you sure as hell can cure being mouth gross!  I went to the store that night and purchased myself some real nice floss.  Of course it took me a few more weeks to actually start using it, but once I did I immediately started feeling better about myself.  I felt responsible, like a normal grown up. I even considered checking my mail more than bi-monthly, but decided to not take on too much, too soon.

It wasn’t too much longer after I started taking baby steps toward proper dental hygiene when I started noticing my gums were itchy like whoa. Who has itchy gums? This girl. How is that even possible?  I don’t know, but as I’m typing right now I have the insatiable urge to rake a pair of gardening shears across my mouth. Gross? Yes, very.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it or how one gets rid of their itchy gums but once I figure it out, I’ll holler and let y’all know. Also, let me know if you or someone you love has had this ailment and whose leg you humped to rid yourself of this malady.  Maybe if there are enough of us, we can start some type of support group. 

PS-For those of you grossed out by my gum AIDS, be thankful. I could’ve written about the period I’m having. You. Are. Welcome.

Now you know

How YOU doin?!

It’s been a minute since I gave y’all a TSaur update and I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to know what the haps is.  It’s fall and that means one thing and one thing only: it’s time to break out the twelve piece suits that smell like they haven’t been cleaned since the Carter administration. YAY! He wore his first twelve-piecer a week ago and I could smell him before he even got to his desk. The stench was menacing and raped my olfactory senses as I had forgotten how much more powerful his “winter smell” is versus that of summer. 

On a posi note, I may talk mad shit about T, but I’ll give props where props are due. Last Tuesday I decided to party like it was 1999 and called in sick to work on Wednesday. (Duh).  Of course I took Wednesday as an opportunity to get my day drank on and where did I end up at five pm but the local watering hole right near T’s apt.  I went outside for a quick smoke with this guy and who do I see but T all duded up in his running clothes! (Read: stained white undershirt, basketball shorts and high top Red Iverson’s).  Immediately I’m all “oh snap” since I was clearly in the cups and not sick even a little unless you consider getting awesome during a work day “sick”. I decided to kill him with kindness and actually talk to him.  Luckily he didn’t bust my cover and even complimented my “mental health day”.  Word! He may stink to high heaven and have the hair of the Fonz, but he’s not a 100% detestable.

In an unrelated T note, can I just say how many badass bands have been in and around the RVA as of late that I’ve had the opportunity to get drunk and dance to? Granted, Free Fest last weekend was in Baltimore, but that’s totally drivable.  What’s happening Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Yeasayer, Chromeo, Sleigh Bells and MIA?! Sleigh Bells and LCD Sounsystem again in Charlottesville this weekend? Ok! Gorillaz in Northern Virginia in mid-October? Pretty Lights in November?  Don’t mind if I do.  Sign me up, bitches! If you need me, I’ll be hollering loudly at a music venue near you!

Thank you!

Because I am a true, Southern lady I write thank you notes for all gifts received.  Please see the letter I crafted to my employer for the kick ass paperweight I received this morning.  Day = Made. Duh.

Dear Steal Your Soul, Inc.

 

Thank you so, so much for the paperweight you gave me this morning.  I have never owned a paperweight before as I am not normally in a very windy office and it’s not 1964, so this will really come in handy when the recycled air that provides the background noise to my life really cranks it up a notch.  I would be remiss to not also thank for you not giving me a raise since November 2007 and cutting my pay 6% last year whilst doubling my work load!  While you may call my paperweight a “token of appreciation” I call it a symbol of all of the hard work that’s gone unrecognized and unpaid for!  To be honest, the only person in this entire company who appreciated your paperweight was Tsaur who (literally) uttered the words, “sweet!” upon opening his new lovie.  Even though I wish I could keep the paperweight, its new home is in my trashcan. 

 

Love always,

 

TLW

Wednesday FYI

'Corn Porn

T Saur and his on again, off again, on again, and off once again girlfriend are donezo for the time being.  He’s now resorted to trolling match.com and randomly emailing ladies he thinks he’s interested in. Note: He’s not actually on match.com; he just scrolls through and looks at pictures and emails them to see if they would be interested in meeting.  Ew.  Much like online dating, he is gross. 

Speaking of dating, Mom is concerned that I’m dating, and I quote here, “zero people.” She says she doesn’t “get it” and why can’t someone introduce me to someone?!  I told her to mind her own gd business because it’s of no concern to her and I’m tired of meeting crazy people who want to wear my skin as a suit.  I’d much prefer to go out and get MC Hammered with my friends and not worry about it. Shit! Leave me alone!

While we’re discussing crazy people, I really need to stop answering numbers I don’t recognize. Just a mere thirty minutes ago my phone rang and I made the mistake of answering. Much to my delight and surprise it was very inebriated person of the male variety inviting me to meet him at Bojangles. As hard as it was to decline the invitation to eat biscuits and gravy on Nine Mile Road at nine thirty AM on a Tuesday, I had to work, so…..no.

It’s always nice to see my ex husband and be reminded why I’m so much happier without him. Last night’s visit was no exception.  Straight away I noticed what can only be described as a watch one would wear whilst playing bocce ball in Boca Raton. I freaked out and asked him if he was wearing that old man watch ironically?  He said no, it was badass and expensive (duh!) and he loved it which made me laugh hard. Then he told me he was considering moving to downtown Short Pump at which point I was laughing so much tears were streaming down my face. “Oh my god I’m so glad we’re not together anymore! You’re such a dork! Ha!” Wow. What the fuck was I thinking? Good Lord.

Mistakes: We gonna find you, we gonna find you.

For the past several months my job, which I already loathe tremendously, has been even more tedious and excruciating due to the presence of the most loathsome people on the planet. These people are called “auditors” and they are the most vile, despicable excuses for human beings I’ve ever encountered.  At first I was semi-pleasant to them. I gave them dead eyes, which is about the most cordial I can be on the daily here at Steal Your Soul, Inc.

Two months and several hundred emails later I now have dreams of punching these people in the face (for serious).  And it feels SO good.  This morning I needed a drink by 8:02 AM when I read the onslaught of emails sent after I left for the day.  I’m telling a coworker in the break room how I now finally *get* how people completely and totally lose their shit at work and just go ballistic (a la Steven Slater my new hero!) when in saunters T Saur, a full thirty minutes, early per the norm.  He interjects his words of wisdom and says that perhaps they’re not used to working in a “corporate culture”.  “Huh? What? They work for a CORPORATION. THEY’RE AUDITORS. What the fuck.  Do you think they’re like Gollum trying to find their precious and all of a sudden they’re in some corporate office unawares of how they got there?”  Side note: what’s up with me and Lord of the Rings references recently? Christ, it’s like I hot tub timed machine back to 2003.  If that’s the case, “No, I will not marry you!” Booyah!

Anywhoos, after I explained that auditors work in offices just like the rest of us losers he interjects in his non-sequatorial style that he recently purchased some whiskey and he was going to try whiskey sours this weekend.  Seriously you guys, I think I’m part of some weird Tuskegee style experiment (except minus the syphilis and racism) to see how long a person can be surrounded by the crazy and not lose it. Either that or I’m on a Hidden Camera reality show that I bet is huge in Germany and South Korea. Either way, releases the Kraken. I’m donezo.

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