The Price Is Wrong

Ladies, be prepared when you snoop through your husband’s email to find out that he has a strange hobby he’s been hiding. Apparently, Mr. Barista’s newest time waster is responding to Craigslist scams.  Let it be known that I am not above posting someone else’s brand of darkness to this site…

Shanu:  I want to buy your item, so i appreciate your quick response on this.. so i want you remove the item from craigslist for me and consider it sold to me okay….  i will like to issue a cashier check to you for the payment and after the clearance of the check my shipper will come for the pick up asap…. so i want you get to me with these for the mailing out the check to you as soon as possible…with, Your full name to be put on the check ,,,your mailing address {including your state and city} and your Zip code,, together with your cell phone number so that i can contact you as soon as possible when the check mail out to you i will love to read from you asap.

Thanks. Best regard. Shanu.

Mr. Barista: That sounds great. My common-law wife said I would not be able to sell it for that price. She even made a bet with me that if I did she would give me a killer blow job. Man I am pumped.

Not sure if you are interested but I have a pet goat for sale also. I bought him thinking he would take care  of keeping the grass short since I am a lazy bastard and never feel like cutting the grass myself. Come to find out he is more of a lazy bastard than I am. He won’t even eat grass. I’m either going to sell him or take him out back, put a bullet in his head, and make goat soup. Talk to you soon.

Shanu: Yeah, i will train him by myself so i will like to buy this from you get back to me with your mailing information so that the check will be issue out to you asap. okay

Mr. Barista: Can your shipper pick up the goat? I will warn you, he is a biter. My youngest is missing a ear because of that little shit.  A few months back the goat was sleeping and my kid decides to pull a Jimmy Superfly off the deck and heel stomp the goat in his sack.  If you have never heard a goat scream it is an amazing sound.  Once the goat pulled it together he snuck up behind my kid while he was laughing and chomped off his ear. I will throw in the muzzle for free. Let me know.

There have been several updates to this convo.  Shanu says he will send a quiet bus for the goat if he can just have Mr. B’s social security number.  Mr. Barista has told a sob story involving huffing paint and being fired from driving from his beloved bus.  Shanu seems concerned and wants to help Mr. B curb his addictions…right after Mr. B helps him with his check fraud scheme.

The Best and Worst of 2009

Because Café Darkness is not one to follow tradition we are creating a Best and Worst of 2009 list in November.  We reserve the right to update the list as soon as a celebrity dies or another city council member gets a DUI.  We’re confident in our November list because we already know what the holidays will bring us: indulgence, binges without purges and plenty of time off (read: plenty of time to get up to no good).  

Best Richmond Controversy: We’re going with Obama as the Joker thanks to the always douchey Sam Moore. Amiright?! Runner up?  Ukropalypse Now.

Worst Richmond Controversy: TWO WAY TIE! What to name a baseball team and Andy Jenks v. Robin Starr.

Best Worst Song: “Kiss me Through the Phone”. 

Worst Worst Song: TLW hates everything brought by the Black Eyed Peas in 20—–uh, hi.  Barista’s happy for TLW  and all, but everyone knows that Miley Cyrus had the worst worst song of 2009.   

Best NBC12 Moment:  TWO WAY TIE! the absolutely stunning and breathtaking Gene Cox retrospective aired during his last 11:00 newscast. (pass the tissues, please). Too close to call was Andy Jenks’ McLovin vandal story.  Classic Jenks! 

Worst NBC12 Moment:  Terrell Brown-the man who brought snow angels to live television in three inches of snow off Midlothian Turnpike in hip high rubber boots and then forgetting his microphone was on before totally going for it oh my god I can’t believe what I’m seeing-leaving NBC12.  You are missed!

Best Drunk Moment: TWO WAY TIE! Getting locked in a room for an hour with B to earn 30 bones and that rad VCU student who saved the day.  (Barista is going with singing Happy Special Divorce Day to TLW in front of a very large, badge-wearing audience)

Worst Drunk Moment:  While there are many contenders, we’re sad to report that the best of the worst is yet to come.  Hello, Thanksgiving….

Best Purchase: Billy Mays on July 18th, 2009

Worst Purchase:  Furlough Days.  No thanks.

Best Decision:  Turning Thursdays to the new Fridays which used to be the old Thursdays before they went back to Fridays. 

Worst Decision:  Watching “My Secret Girlfriend” two weeks ago. Worst. Show. Evah.

Best semi-feral cat acquisition: Mr. Paws.

Worst semi-feral cat acquisition:   Little Jerry Seinfeld.  He is not nearly as cool as I thought he would be.  (Follow up post coming soon to a blog near you!).    

Best new blog: We hate to vote for ourselves here but duh, it has to be Cafe Darkness.  OMGWTFRVA may be smarter and funnier than us, but you know, Cafe Darkness probably spent more money on booze and cabs.  That’s got to mean something, right?

Worst new blog:  Again, it’s got to be Cafe Darkness.  Who the hell do we think we are?

Suzy Homemaker I am not

The recent election in Virginia made me realize I really need to work on my homemaking skills.  All of the years I spent going to school and working led to a lack of knowledge about how to keep a good home for my family!  I hope Governor-Elect McDonnell will offer some type of government assistance towards the education and advancement for Women Who Don’t Know the First Thing About Being a Homemaker.  Below are the top five things I need to learn:

1-Ironing.  I don’t have the time or the energy to spend an hour removing wrinkles from clothes and would rather pay someone to do this for me.  This must stop.  I need to know when to use the “steam” setting, when to use starch and how to get the front and the back of something unwrinkled without wrinkling the other side and not giving up and just wearing it wrinkled because ohmygodinheaven this is irritating.

2-Laundering Clothes.  As a time saver I throw all of my clothes into a single load and just set that bad boy on cold.  If I’m going to have my family look its very best I need to start separating whites and darks.  Which water setting is appropriate and why would I ever use the “delicate” cycle?  I should also learn how to remove stains instead of throwing it the trash can and buying something new because honestly I can’t be so bothered. 

3-Basic cooking skills. I can say with 100% certainty I don’t know the first thing about making a casserole.  It’s a mysterious combination of deliciousness.  Also on the agenda: baked potatoes, waffles, a baked ham, any type of vegetable, French toast, various dips,  and finally a pot roast.

4-How to throw a dinner party.  When my husband is trying to get a promotion at work or trying to get a big client he’ll want me to throw a dinner party to impress his boss and his wife.  How many couples do we invite?  How many courses do I serve?  Is it okay to wear my apron when greeting guests if I’m still preparing the meal?  How long before the last guest arrives before I serve dinner?

5-Greeting my husband after a long day of work.  This is the most important one of all.  Do I have his drink already prepared before he gets home or do I make it when I see him pull in the driveway?  I don’t want him to have to wait but I also don’t the ice to melt and water it down.  I know he needs to time to unwind after a stressful day of work but I’m sure he’s hungry, too. Should I make him a snack to eat with his whiskey or just wait for him to tell me he’s ready for dinner?

 

Editor’s note: This post is intended to show how ridiculous Bob McDonnell is and not to disrepect the ladies who decide to stay home with their Littles. My hat is off you because I honestly don’t know how you do it.  I would blow my brains out.  Trust.  Furthermore, it is utterly ridiculous I don’t know how to make a casserole or iron a shirt. I’m 30 years old for Christ Sake.  xoxo, TLW

Vote your values!

I mean!

 Today is Votin’ Day.  I  love voting.   I voted for the winner last year and I must say it was a nice feeling. I high kicked it all around my room-but I digress.  (Jesus that was such a great feeling).  I’m sure I’ll vote for the loser which is more my speed anyway. (Dear God, please don’t let me vote for the loser).

Regardless of your political affiliation (Although liberals really get out there and vote.  Seriously. Please? ) go and get your vote on today RVA! I know I’m taking my values to the polls and so should you! (Unless you’re Republican, then Voting Day is NEXT Tuesday). 

I hear wedding bells!

I love to hate on one of my friends on Facespace.  We went to high school together and she is getting married on Saturday.  In case you forget she’s getting married she reminds you every single day via her status update.  Now before you ask me why I bother to read it when I know it’s going to iritate me, I kindly ask you to shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.  This girl’s wedding is my own Jon Gosselin. I can’t not look!

I honestly have no idea what she’s going to talk about after the wedding, but maybe we’ll all luck out and she’ll get knocked up on her honeymoon.  I’ve been married and I really don’t remember being that excited about the whole process but hey, maybe that was part of the problem? Hello!  Anywhoos, below is a sampling of her status updates.  Beside each is what I wish I could have said, but did not, but wish I had because that would totally and completely badass. 

is excited for my lingerie shower today! Ew, that’s gross.

is soooo over all this wedding hooplah. I am ready for the Honeymoon!! That makes two of us.

is picking out my wedding portrait today. Too many beautiful pics…how will I choose! Pick the one where you talk about your wedding the least!  Also, you should have ended that sentence with a question mark as it is not a declarative statement!  

Got my marriage license this morning. I think I might be officially married??? Wrong again!

is excited about my bachelorette dinner at The Melting Pot tonight with the ladies! Nothing like a little fondue with the ladies to get me ready for a rock n roll night out on the town.

19 days….I can’t wait to wear my wedding gown! :0) Hey, I’ve gone ahead and decided to put myself in a medically-induced coma for the next 19 days. Wake me up after the Big Day!

is getting hitched 2 weeks from today! It can’t come soon enough!

13 days. Oh. My. God.

Single digits…..9 days Thank you Jesus!

This is my last weekend as a single lady! I went ahead and took down your “massage” ad from Craigslist today. I know you’re super busy with the wedding and just wanted to help out. You’re welcome!

is doing a practice run on my bridal makeup.   You can not even be serious with these updates. 

IT’S MY WEDDING WEEK! I’M GETTING MARRIED ON SATURDAY! 5 DAYS….HOLLA!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXCITED I AM!

Ask Cafe Darkness III

Wow….we’ve really let our committment to answering your questions slide.  Here are some good ones:

I’m looking for some first date suggestions besides the typical Fan bar scene.  What do you recommend?

We gave it some thought, and decided that a perfect first-date during the fall would have to involve dinner, drinks and drama.  Skip out on your dinner bill, or try to avoid your cab fare by bolting from a moving vehicle.  You may not get a second date, but you will never be forgotten.

Why are there so many cats on Cafe Darkness?  Your male readers are ovah it.

Really?  Me thinks any man who uses the word “ovah” has a few cats of his own.  Semi-feral cats make excellent company!

I heard that TLW is in fact, an UMOT.

No comment.  Next please.

I had a dinner party and several guests arrived after cocktail hour, and I had already begun serving dinner.  Who owes whom an apology?  Was I a bad hostess?

Who are these rich gypsies who cannot be so bothered to be prompt?  Please invite us to your next party.  We will be on time to take full advantage of your cocktail hour and free home-cooked meal.  Trust.  You can be our new bestie, you fabulous host. 

How do I tell a new acquaintance that she’s more like a stalker than a friend to me?

You have many options.  We suggest a Facebook status update.

I really like this boy in my English class, but I don’t know how to tell if he’s into me too.  He sits with me at lunch sometimes and texts me pictures of himself skateboarding, but I don’t know if he thinks of me that way.  What do I do?

First, stop reading Cafe Darkness.  We’ll rot your brain.  Try the new 90210 show.  It’s supposed to be age appropriate.  Watch and learn from them how to catch the object of your obsession.  Your parents can address their nastygrams to the CW instead of the CD.

The birds and the bees!

Nice and awkward

I try to go visit my mom once a week.  I’m trying to get in good with her will and don’t want anyone taking what’s rightfully mine one day!  JK-I’m an only child and she’s broke as hell.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hello! 

Anywhoos, a visit with good old mom never goes by without her either talking about something inappropriate or asking me an entirely too personal off a question followed with her being shocked when I refuse to answer.  Last night’s conversation was all about birth control! Yes, that’s right. Birth control.  Mind you I believe we were talking about how Obama was going to handle the increasing violence in Afghanistan before this little segue but I digress.  It went something like this:

Mom: When I was your age I was on the Pill.  I didn’t have problems with it like you do.

Me:  (already knowing what I’m in store for) Oh dear.

Mom: I mean what is your problem with the Pill, TLW? I mean, really?  Every time you try one there’s an issue. Jesus!

Me: (wondering what I did in a past life to deserve having this conversation) I mean, yeah….uh…I don’t know. I’m just not a fan I guess?  You know, Mom I really don’t want to talk to you about this so if we could just-

Mom: -You know what they used to have before the Pill? Diaphragms! What a pain in the ass those things were! It wasn’t just a diaphragm-you had to use spermicide, too. Messy!

Me: (Nausea quickly setting in) Oh my God.

Mom: Yeah everyone was really happy when the Pill came out. You know why?

Me: (having resigned my fate at this point I meekly answer) Because of the Sexual Revolution, Mom?

Mom: What? What’s that?  Did you say Sexual Revolution? My hearing is shot in my right ear. You know that. It’s because of that ear infection from a couple of years ago! I’m old, TLW! Anyways, yes, exactly. The Sexual Revolution-I was a part of that!  You kids today didn’t invent sex, you know.  But, I’ll tell you what the best birth control I ever had was but it hurt like a sonofabitch!

Me: (trying to think of something, anything at all that could potentially change this topic of conversation. Unicorns?  The weather?  Anything? Bueller?) What, mom? 

Mom: The Dalcon Shield! 

Me: Please stop talking.

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Me: Seriously, mom? You’ve just told me at least three different methods you used to not get pregnant and it’s gross. I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Mom: Well you know you were a “surprise”, TLW. Don’t sit there and look at me like that. Say, listen-have you thought about that NuvaRing?

TLW: Goodnight, Mom!

Aaaaaaaand end scene! Let the record show that my mother is second only to my ex husband to recommend the NuvaRing. With advice like that, how could I possibly refuse?!

Top Five Things I Love about Halloween!

I'll have what he's having!

Besides Bosses Day, Arbor Day, Flag Day and Administrative Assistant’s Day, Halloween is my most favorite holiday of the year. Christmas is cool with all of the holiday cheer and St. Patrick’s Day is rad but there’s no dressing up.  You know what’s never a let down? Halloween.  You know why? Because it’s effing amazing, that’s why. It was hard to narrow it down to just five reasons why Halloween is so great, but I did my best.

 

1-Think of the children! When I was a wee little girl I remember getting so excited to go trick-or-treating that I would go ballistic to get that party started.  Trick-or-treating is ridiculously fun.  Too bad kids don’t get to do it anymore and have to go to the lame ass mall instead-or some stupid “Halloween Carnival”.  That sounds about as much fun as opening up someone else’s Christmas presents but we have to protect the children-they’re our most precious resource you know! 

 

2-Sweet Treats! I love me some sweet treats and Halloween is all about the candy.  I love meandering around Steal Your Soul, Inc and helping myself to the cornucopia of deliciousness.  Candy Corn?  Yes, please. Lil tiny Crackle?  I don’t mind if I do!  My personal favorites are the mini Snickers so back the hell off!

 

3-It scares fundamentalist Christians!  Because Halloween originates from an old Celtic Festival called Samhain many Fundamentalists refuse to celebrate it which I think is great!  I don’t want to see you dressed up as the Rapture anyway!  BOO! 

 

4-The ladies let loose! I’m not sure when Halloween become a reason for ladies to dress like harlots but I love it.  It’s so absurd! “I want to be a fire fighter, but a sexy fire fighter”.  “I want to be a doctor, but a super sexy doctor”.  Ladies, we get it. You want to be sexy but are confined by society’s Puritanical rules of “right” and “wrong” and you use this one holiday of the year to let your inner Jezebel be free.  Just don’t get mad at me when I laugh at you in your sexy nun costume because-honestly-that’s just stupid. 

 

5-Costume parties! Costumes + booze = fun like wow!  There’s something about donning an outfit and getting absolutely hammied that’s the bee’s knees.  I’m not sure if it’s the fancy clothes or The Monster Mash but TLW absolutely loves.  Have a great Halloweek everyone and don’t do anyone I wouldn’t!

Area women torn amongst slutty Halloween costume choices

CHESTERFIELD, VA-Southside resident and self-proclaimed “good girl” Rebecca Smith has been unable to decide on a Halloween costume for the upcoming holiday. The 27 year old office worker has been debating between several costumes including, but not limited to: slutty police officer, slutty nurse and the potential wildcard, the slutty bumble bee.  “I just can’t decide what I want to be this year.  I mean, if I’m the police officer then I can ‘arrest’ boys, but if I’m a slutty nurse then I can walk around with a stethoscope, which is pretty hot too”.  The final decision could make or break Ms. Smith’s night out on Saturday as there will be numerous other provocative fill-in-the-blanks vying for male attention.  “I want to stand out”, she added. 

 

All costumes choices are, as stated above, extremely suggestive and take the original costume’s theme but shorten, tighten and unbutton where necessary to give the wearer a sense of naughtiness apparently not expressed the other 364 days of the year.  Men respond favorably to this hyper-sexualization and will often purchase numerous shots and shooters in hopes of, at the very least, making out with the wearer in a bar bathroom.  When reporters asked Ms. Smith’s roommate and year round sexual provocateur, Susan Davis, what she would be for Halloween this year she said she would be The Virgin Mary. “You know” she said, “for the irony.”

I just can’t say “No”!

Mr. Paws, right after feeding time.

 

I’ve gotten a lot of questions recently about my 24 semi-feral cats.  Amazingly enough many people don’t know the first thing semi-feral cat ownership!  In an effort to educate the public, below are several FAQs that I hope will enlighten you.    

 

Is it true that semi feral cats form colonies? 

 

Yes, semi feral cats form colonies-technically called “clowders”. Furthermore, these colonies have a distinct hierarchy with one cat being the main meow-meow in charge.  In my semi feral cat colony, this big guy is the one and only Mr. Paws!  He’s half Tabby/half Persian/100% badass.  How the dominate male is determined in any colony is through a series of hissing and swatting matches in which the loser loses an eye nine out of ten times.  Take a gander at Mr. Paws’ picture above and I think any questions about his virility will quickly be squashed. 

 

How do you feed so many semi feral cats?

 

Easy. I just toss a bag of food on my kitchen floor when I get home from work and then go for my nightly run.  It’s best to not be around during feeding time. 

 

How many litter boxes do you have?

 

Six.

 

Is what you’re doing illegal?

 

Yes. 

 

Is it awkward when you’re keeping company and your apartment is filled with cats?

 

It depends.  I explain to any male visitor the situation beforehand to avoid any potential awkward encounters-particularly with Mr. Paws-as he is a bit protective of his lair when new people enter. Sometimes people are cool with it. Sometimes people think it’s weird.

 

Why do you own so many semi feral cats?

 

Why don’t you own so many semi feral cats?

 

How long are you going to keep up this shtick about these cats? It’s getting old. I thought you had two dogs?

 

I’ll keep it up as long as I want.  Unless you want me to start talking about my growing Precious Moments figurine collection then I say we just stick to the cats.