Don’t Mess With Texas

Texas

 Keep yer nasty varmins fingers off my office plant, Texas.  Were you raised in a barn?  Where I come from we know better than to go waterin other people’s desk plants all hoity toity like.   I’m givin ya fair warning that I’m gonna rig some firecrackers to go off in yer face the next time you pull a yellow or brown leaf off Texas.  Hell.  She’s survived three years in this dump and if she wants to turn yeller that’s none of your concern.

Stop coming over to my desk and rearranging her tendrils saying that she’ll grow bigger and stronger if she can spread out.  She don’t need no stinking sunlight!  I don’t follow you home and tell you what to fix your youngins for supper, do I?  Me and Texas can manage on our own with no interference thank you kindly.

I don’t particularly care if you don’t like to see Texas get dusty or drag the floor.  You know what Texas doesn’t like?  Your cloud of perfume that follows you like tumbleweed.  Lay off the Sweet Pea Kisses or whatever the heck that scent is supposed to be.  It’s ain’t natural.   Your husband steps out on you by the way. 

Don’t let me catch you with a cup of tap water over here again.  I ain’t saying I’m gonna smack you, but I am thinking about it.

God Blessed Texas – don’t you forget it.

Super Bowl Sunday!

Squish!

Last night I decided to go to a Super Bowl party.  I didn’t even know the Super Bowl was yesterday but all I had to hear were the words “all you can drink” and “free” and I was all “pick me up at six!”  Highlights of the evening were as follows:

1-Due to excessive alcohol consumption from the previous night’s debauchery I decided to take a knee and not get totally and completely hammer timed.  Side note: It really needs to stop snowing over the weekend. My liver and bank account can’t take it. 

2-Puppy Bowl. This may be the most adorably awesome idea ever in the history of the world. For those of us that don’t understand the first thing about football and don’t give a rat’s ass about a bunch of guys throwing a ball around but do love squishable puppies (!) it provides a nice alternative.  Water bowl cam! Instant replays!  Tater Tot FTW!   Loves!

3-Wings without sauce.  Last night I was in the mood for some motherfucking WINGS! However I made the mistake of not doing the ordering and was shocked and appalled when my much anticipated wings came out sans sauce.  They looked so naked and shameful on the plate. When I inquired WTF was going on with these wings that weren’t even really wings but more just like friend chicken bits I was told they ordered this way on purpose to make them easier to eat.  What. The. Hell.  Hands down they were the worst wings ever.  Lesson learned. Never allow someone else to order your chicken wings.  The more you know. 

4-Who Dat.  I don’t know what the fuck this stupid expression means but honestly if I hear one more douche bag say it again, I may lose my shit.  One gentleman in particular said it about 150,456 times last night. It took everything in me to not hurl my wine glass at his head as hard as possible to make him stop saying it, please for the love of God.  Also, anytime y’all want to stop saying this on Facespace, Twitter or anywhere else ever again, just let me know. 

5-Lovers quarrels!  Watching people argue is always fun. Watching people drunkenly argue is even better.  Here’s the situation: guy hits on girl. Girlfriend sees this and gets pissed off to the point where she took maybe 5 woo woos in the span of five minutes. I’m all, “dayum girl!”  She yells. He listens.  She cries in 5-4-3-2-1. She makes a scene. She gets her friends involved.  He leaves. She follows.  AWESOME!

Valentine’s Day Café Darkness Style

Nice

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and Café Darkness understands the Day of Love can be a stressful holiday.  Whether you’re single and ready to mingle or a boring and married we have the answers you need to make February 14^th go off without a hitch.

You’re a single and dateless for V Day. Worry not lovelorn souls because Valentine’s Day is ripe for the picking when it comes to getting l-a-i-d.  The desperation to not be alone is palpable out in the bars and you can pick up a decent lay quicker than you can say, “Why is Heidi Montag getting so much GD Botox?  This is ridic!”

You’re dating someone but not on the serious.  You’re worried because you don’t know what this holiday actually “means” to your “relationship”. Do you give gifts? Exchange cards? Not mention it at all?  Skip the Hallmark bullshit and go straight to the sexy. 100% satisfaction guaranteed-if you’re doing it right.

You’re in L-O-V-E with your with boyfriend/girlfriend/real doll.  First of all, you’re making everyone sick with your Facespace updates, so cut it out. You want to shower your sweetie with love all day but don’t know the best way to really show how much you care.  The best way to say “I love you” is a little bit of back door action youknowwhati’msayin.  Amiright?! 

You’re (happily) married.  Congratulations, you’re the big winner in life.  But you’ve been banging for a while now so perhaps your sexy could use some spicing up.  Add some fun into the mix!  Gag balls, erotic asphyxiation and anal beads can turn any hum drum sex session into an event you won’t soon forget.  Just don’t forget the safe word is banana. 

You’re (unhappily) married.  Use Valentine’s Day as a very merry passive aggressive way to show how much you deeply resent them for ruining your dreams and ambitions.  Mention that you would have made dinner reservations but you figured they would be working late at the office.  Be sure to deflect any sexual advances by feigning menstruation (ladies) or impotency (fellas).  Don’t shower or appear overly attractive to remind your partner how terrible a spouse you are.

Go forth and prosper dear readers and enjoy the one day of the year that allows you to be insufferably cutesy and annoying and not get punched in the baby maker by yours truly.

Ask Cafe Darkness: Should I Shag My Employee?

Get you some!

Yesterday Barista wrote about the do’s and don’ts of office romance.  What should you do when you find yourself in a fit of uncontrollable passion which causes you to throw all the papers to the ground so you can make sexy on an oversized mahogany desk?  (Still waiting to scratch this off my bucket list, btw. If you can make it happen-email me!)  Anywhoos, as always with our posts, it sparked some questions, most notably the question of what should one do if they are the boss and their employee-an underling if you will-flirts with them.  The answer to this question is so simple it shouldn’t even require answering but since we are loyal to our readers I’ll take the time out of my super duper busy day of playing Words With Friends to answer it.

Do: decide if this employee is shagable

Don’t : tell them this.

 

Do: feel them up and assess their goodies.  Boob and package size are a must know before taking the next step. 

Don’t: do this in front of other people.

 

Do: make sexy. Now.

Don’t: record it, text about it or in any way incriminate yourself that could be used against you in a court of law. I’m looking at you Big Tig. 

 

Do: get kinky. 

Don’t:  do missionary.

 

Do: be creative!

Don’t: Google “how to be creative when making sexy” from your work computer. Dumb ass.

 

Do: tell your friends

Don’t: tell your significant other.

 

Do: realize how rad it is to get laid on the company dime.

Don’t: charge connies to company credit card.

If you follow these easy tips and tricks you’ll be banging that flirty employee in no time-maybe even in the elevator or stairwell which would be ridiculously hot, now wouldn’t it? Meow!

Good iPad Hunting

The Office Romance

 

this is how office romances usually end

In the spirit of something other than snow Valentine’s Day, Cafe Darkness offers practical advice on how to successfully shag a coworker.  Note this advice does not apply to those who work in restaurants as you will all eventually shag every single coworker.  Yes, it’s true.  Even the cook with seven fingers on one hand.

Don’t Date the Boss - We know that it’s tempting to want to date the most powerful business analyst in your company’s IT department, but hold out for something better.  If you are going to risk your professional reputation and possibly your job you might as well date the boss’s boss.  It’s nice to be on top of the top. 

Proceed With Caution -  Sneak a peek at your love interest’s personnel file.  Peruse the ole background investigation at length.  Look at the application to get a sense of how much scratch this person used to make, and assume he or she is now making more.  Once you have committed the contents of the file to memory you can quickly make important decisions like who’s picking up the check or whether or not you’ll need a cab because somebody’s got a breathalyzer ignition lock.  Knowing the back story is also great for starting conversations.  For example, I got fired once for stealing petty cash.  You?

Keep Your Love On The DL - Whoever you do, don’t publicize your seksi on Facebook, Twitter or any other website.  You have no expectation of privacy on the internet.  Use your company email or cell to mext each other naughty bits.  Whatever your employee handbook says about personal use of company property is just blah blah blah.  Ask any Governor who hasn’t gotten caught taking a mistress to Buenos Aires and he’ll tell you to keep it at the office. 

In the event that your office shag turns sour, we offer one last piece of advice:

Keep Your Failed Romances Public – Post break up hate-mail online here, here and here.

Cabin Fever!

Don't let this happen to you

Cabin Fever is a medical condition caused by prolonged deprivation to sunlight, being subjected to a continual onslaught of winter storms and living in a city that refuses to clear the roads for fuck’s sake. 

Symptoms include increased feelings of needing to get the hell out of one’s apartment before they lose their shit, despair that it’s only February 3^rd for the love of God and yelling at ice patches near the dumpster that make you almost slip and break your god damn back.  The inability to go live one’s life unfettered by Mother Nature’s wintry wrath was also reported.  Sufferers may experience crazy eyes, the need for impromptu happy hours and the uncontrollable need to talk about more potential winter storms that can’t possibly hit on another weekend, please for the love of Baby Jesus.  The decision to quit one’s job and move to Costa Rica is uncommon, but has occurred in rare cases. 

If you, or someone you love, is suffering from Cabin Fever please seek treatment immediately as prolonged exposure to Cabin Fever can lead to anywhere from pissy moods to eating too much cheese.  Treatments include dance parties, karaoke, not watching American Idol and binge drinking.

Area man dramatically changes life after watching Groundhog Day

Exact scene where awakening occured

RICHMOND, VA-Short Pump resident Hubert Humphrey experienced a life altering awakening after watching the classic movie Groundhog Day today.  The 54 year old Accounts Receivable Manager and divorced father of three decided the 1993 comedy staring Bill Murray was a fitting movie choice considering today is, in fact, Groundhog Day.  “I thought it would be a nice treat after a long day at the office”, Mr. Humphrey explained to reporters earlier while drinking his fifth Mega Margarita at his neighborhood TGI Fridays.  “But instead of laughing at Murray’s dry humor and wit it reminded me of the drudgery of my own life”. 

In between mouthfuls of jalapeno poppers and zesty artichoke dip Mr. Humphrey further elaborated that watching the character of Phil Connors live the same day over and over forced him to realize that his own life is filled with repetitive tasks such as walking his 13 year old arthritic dog Smokey, rush hour traffic and eating Hungry Man frozen dinners each night. 

He decided then and there that he would make bold and sweeping changes including going to TGI Fridays “at least” once a week and taking back up his old hobby of building tiny replica ships in bottles.  “I’m ready to start living my life to its fullest” the balding middle manager decreed.  At press time Mr. Humphrey was in an MSG and tequila induced coma while flipping between America’s Funniest Home Videos and American Idol.

An Open Letter to Jim Duncan and Andrew Freiden

Dear Jim Duncan and Andrew Freiden,

We all know that you get paid to forecast the weather and that accuracy is something you take pride in.  We however, cannot take any more Winter without losing our minds.  We’re hoping that as Richmond’s most badass weather duo you could do us all a huge favor:  lie to us like getting your best friend out of jail depends on it.   

We’re not saying that accuracy has to go out with the bath water (I really hate that cliché but my stock pile of available cutesy things to say to make a point is running low) but we would be most appreciative if you could hype up Tuesday’s storm enough that we can stay home from work tomorrow.  Instead of this forecast could you perhaps tell your News Director that we’re all going to die tomorrow?  Change your prediction to be more along the lines of 6-8 inches of ice and locusts arriving around 10 am tomorrow morning.  If swarms of insects are out of season, maybe you could throw in some damaging winds and lightning.  Cloud-to-ground lightning strikes if you please.

We are begging you on behalf of every adult who has been robbed of yet another weekend to please get me us out of work tomorrow.  It’s Richmond for crying out loud!  We deserve at least one snow day with no precipitation each year.  I can ask my delegate to introduce a no-snow holiday to the General Assembly if that will ease your conscience. 

Please guys, do it for the adults.

Yours in Conspiracy,

Barista

An Open Letter to the City of Richmond from its Residents

Sorry we drank all the beer in the fridge. Our bad.

To whoever decided to completely throw in the towel and not clear the roads even a little bit in the City of Richmond,  we would like to extend a heartfelt apology for whatever we may have done to piss you off so god damn bad.  I’m not sure what we, as City of Richmond residents, ever did to you, but it must have been pretty fucking epic.  Did we bone your girlfriend one night after too much boozing?  Maybe we borrowed your car without your permission and got a big ole DUI?  Perhaps we had a bad case of the munchies and ate your leftover pizza when you had been fantasizing about eating that pizza after working a particularly hard day? 

Whatever we did, we collectively apologize.  We are sorry we bounced a check for our rent last month.  Our sincerest condolences that we forgot your birthday (again).  We will never do it again!  Want to go out one night this week for some woo woos?  On us, naturally.  We promise to be on time the next time we have plans. You are totally invited the next time we go to the beach, by the way.  We got a pretty sweet deal on a house in June.  Can you say, “hot tub”?!?!  Did we mention we just scored some pretty sweet weed?  No?  Well we did! Wanna come over? We can get all stoney maroni and eat Cheeze-Its and braid each other’s hair. It will be so much fun, we promise. Just clear the streets first though, okay?